Dec 30th 2005

Avery's Birthday, she is 3 years old, we had a fun day yesterday going to see Disney on Ice and she got to meet Cinderella, but she was too shy to wave to her, her words not mine.

We had a long but fun day - Birthday party is this weekend.

LABOR DAY - Dec 30th 2005

When I had Avery I was induced at 8:00am on Dec 29th due to high blood pressure. I was in 20 hours of labor, the epi did not work for me so I did it completely med free, I was tired hungry (did not eat or drink for a total of 36 hours - they would not let me)I pushed for 2 1/2 hours and then she arrived int he world, it was the most profound moment of my life. I fell in love immediately. So did Dh. We tried BFing but she was tongue tied so I pumped but that soon became awful or after 4 weeks we went totally to formula. Labor day was awful but it gave me the best gift ever and if you had asked me that day if i would have done it again, I would have said YES!

Happy 3rd Birthday Avery!

18 weeks... and 3 years ago today...

I am 18 weeks, wow where did time go... here is my first real belly pic.



Here is DD and I two weeks before Christmas



Also DD's Birthday is tomorrow we have a big day planned to go see Disney on Ice.

3 years ago today I was induced to have Avery, and as of 6pm EST I had already been through 10 hours with no relief in sight... will talk more about that tomorrow... because for the next fews posts I am going to talk all about Avery. Let her shine for a while.

When Dh and I started TTCing for Avery my Doctor was giving us 6 months to conceive on our own, after the sixth month we were being referred to the RE for meds, I have one ovary and long cycles without BC so I decided we would chart right off the bat. Read Taking Charge of Your Fertility and off we went. At the 6th cycle I realized I Oed 5 days later then expected and thoutght the cycle was a bust, called the DR made our referral appointment and one week before our appointment I took the pregnancy test ans saw a blarring BFP. Now I was 10 days late and just thought it was my body being stupid again. Nope, Avery had been conceived. Over joyed and very nervous we felt so blessed to be able to conceive on our own. My OB/GYN who did my surgery when I was 16 to remove my tumored ovary cried when I told her. That shows you what a surprise it was we were able to do it by ourselves. Not so much luck the second time, but here we are after a long second road having baby #2, in which Avery is so excited about. So BIG SISTER posts will be the topic for the next few posts, with a few others inbetween I am sure.

TO ALL MY BLOG READERS

In the next few days I will be updating my list of blogs I read daily and other things on my Blog, it is time for an update. If you update your blog regularly I will continue to read you but those of you who have not updated in months I will be replacing. If you read my blog and am not on my blog list please let me know, I would love to read you blog. Please leave a comment and I will add you to my list. I love reading anything really, mostly topics such as pregnancy, IF, toddlers and Secondary Infertility. Please come forward and allow me to read your blogs too!

THANKS FOR READING MY BLOG I APPERICATE IT!

Merry Christmas (the day after - Target Day!)

Hope everyone's Christmas was merry and bright! Also that Santa treats you well.

We had a good day yesterday despite running on a tight schedule from house to house. Will tell more on that later.

Today is the day after Christmas or also known as TARGET DAY. Today is the day we venture out early to go shopping at Target, not for gifts we did not receive but for Christmas stuff to use for next year! I got a ton of wrapping, gift tags and cute boxes to use for next year. I usually after get decorations like lights but this year I did not pick up anything. I got a few ornaments to sell on ebay and small things DD just had to have.

If you have a TARGET near you go check out the after Christmas sale on all their Christmas stuff, I even got two rugs for 50% off that I can use all year around. If you want to wait a few days that is fine too they will eventually mark everything down to 75% off. But pickens will be slim. If it is related to Christmas it will be on sale.

Beware it is crazy over there, everyone wants Christmas stuff for less.

jealous

I was reading the second trimester board today and there were so many post of ladies who found out the gender of their babies recently (last two days) and most were between 16 - 19 weeks, I could not help but be bitterly jealous. I told my Mom I was so looking forward to going shopping now I have to wait, waiting is not my strong suite.

Vent over.

BACKFIRED!!!!

I had my gender check today and the baby was very uncooperative, the tech even kept me longer then my time just in case the baby woke up. We tried everything, drinking juice, rolling me to my sides, poking my belly, nothing worked. She did get a look, but did not want to give me a definite, plus I want a definite answer before I start to announce anything. She just was not comfortable saying one way or the other. The baby was all curled up and had it's legs crossed, sleeping. I was disappointed to say the least, but that just means I go back in two weeks to try again. BOO. Guess we are waiting.

Thought we needed a face lift.

I forgot how good it was...

When I was pregnant with DD I craved BLT sandwiches, waffles, cake and candy.

This time my cravings have been different, anything smothered with tomatoes sauce, tomatoes, anything in gravy (not meat, I can only eat little till I feel sick), orange juice and candy.

I had my first BLT sandwich since being pregnant and OMG I forgot how good they are. I think I am adding BLT sandwiches back on the list of things I am craving.

I am done!

Christmas shopping that is. It felt good to get my last present and be done. I finished in the sheeting rain and snow, I just wanted to get it done. I did not want to be out shopping during the last weekend before Christmas.

I plan to wrap and clean this weekend so during this week I do not have to do much. Rest, I might I have forgotten how that works.

Today is DH's Birthday, we went to dinner, it was nice since we do not go out much.

Also I got my grade back from my class from hell, I got a B, thank goodness. I needed at least a B in the class in order to get my class money back, so now I will be 1,200 richer in two weeks, of course it is going toward paying off my credit card that I put the class on in the first place. I am taking off Spring semster to prepare for the baby.

Hope everyone is doing well and get their shopping done.

Bad Mommy I am...

I was working in my office tonight, DD was playing with me in there for a while. well she all of a sudden disappeared. I assumed she was out with DH playing. All of a sudden she comes down with a empty vitamin (gummie) bottle. She told me she ate them all , which was obvious. There were probably 15 in there, so of course I yell out to Dh who I did not know was sleeping on the couch and told him. I was kinda pissed he was not watching her, but I guess he assumed I was since she was with me for so long. I called poison control, they were not concerned. Thank goodness, actually I was not too concerned either, b/c when I was little I would sneak extra vitamins b/c they tasted so good. So there you have it, bad mommy tonight and my soon to be 3 year old knows how to open child proof containers, great!

Shopping today!

My plan is to get all my shopping done today, I know this will not happen, but if I could get most done today I will be happy. I may have jury duty next week, so I am not taking any chances. Wish me luck because I have to take DD with me b/c DH went to the hostipal to see his dad, (he had a bone marrow transplant Dec 1st)and I only have one more gift to get DD from Santa, so lets see how this works with her with me, I really have to hide it.

Everyone have a nice weekend, I know mine is going to be crazy!

The Impatient Patient...

Yes that is me! I may have jumped the gun but I made an elective ultrasound for before Christmas, I made it at the same place I had my BIG ultrasound for DD, after she would not tell us what she was at my BIG ultrasound with the DR. The lady said they would take me earilier then 20 weeks but there was no garantee that they would be able to tell the gender, that if they could not I would keep coming back until they could definately give me a guess, which is FREE. I also opted for the 2 part package, gender check at first visit and second visit which happens around 30 weeks, get a 4d package done. I am so excited, after I hang up the phone a wave of OMG this is actually happening. My Mom thought it was the bad idea, she is the only one IRL that knows about this, DH does not even know, he would not be able to go anyways b/c of work and would not be upset even if he wanted to go. I want to surprise him with the gender for Christmas. I am so excited and while I have a preference of gender (please do not kick me) I thought finding out this way without anyone but my Mom knowing it will allow it to sink in and fo me to get totally excited. So there you have it, I may find out the gender soon! So excited. I am not sharing the date I am going, I want to surprise all of you too!

The power of STORKS!

I belong to HERE COMES THE STORKS (ebay sellers), some of you who read my blog know all about it :WINK: I posted I was looking for the STAR STATION if anyone had one I could buy from them or if they could look around for me at their local stores, well within5 mintues I got some replys saying they would look, within 10 mintues I got a private message from another stork who said that she was willing to sell me one she had for retail price, that was wonderful!!! Plus she is also in PA so shipping was low, even better. So I got the one big gift Santa is bringing DD done! Thanks everyone for helping me out, LOVE you all.

THANKS LADIES and other updates.

All of you are so sweet, if you are out and about and happen to come across the FISHER PRICE STAR STATION let me know, that is what I am looking for.

Also, I had my final today, which was not that bad. I get my grade next wednesday.

Also, I went to the DR for my cold, of course they said until my mucus (sorry TMI) turned yellow or green they can do nothing for me. So I have a presciption for a anti-biotic just in case, but I still feel yucky, I am hoping that I feel better before the weekend we have so much going on this weekend, Dh's Christmas party, Breakfast with Santa at my work and pictures and lots more shopping.

My pain is still there but no as bad, hoping it goes away soon, I go back Friday to have it checked.

SUCKY TIME

Currently I am sick, cold, sore throat and just plain yucky. To top that all I am having ovary pain in which I will be seeing the DR today to check out, I feel like something is wrong with my cyst. I also have a final tomorrow, which I plan on studying tonight and tomorrow AM. I have felt so badly this weekend I did not even look through notes or anything, guess I will be cramming. I just want to feel better and have this final over, then I can get back to my regular schedule program.

How about this for fun. I want to get DD this certain toy for christmas, I have been to ever toy store in the area, target walmart everywhere can not find it. Today I call TOYS R US and the guy who answer said they had a few in stock, I told him I would be right over. On the way I was so excited b/c these are going for 150.00 online and it cost normally 60.00, so I thought I get two and sell one. I get there and there are none to be found. I ask an associate and she asked me who I talked to b/c they have not had them for weeks. I did not remember, she told me if it was "A" disregard what he says b/c he is to lazy to go look. GREAT! I drove all the way over here for nothing!!!!!!!

I will be MIA

for only a week or so, I have a big final coming up next week and Ebay Toy Season has begun, so I will be so busy. We plan on decorating tonight for Christmas so Aall I have to worry about from now till Christmas (after I take my final) is selling toys and shopping for Christmas. I will pop in from time to time.

New baby in the family...

Well my Aunt had a baby boy last night, they did not know the sex (not by choice) and I really thought it was a girl. I also thought if they have a girl I will definately have a boy, now they threw me off. We went to see him and he is adorable and kinda made me wish I had mine already, but then I do not want to wish away my pregnancy at all, I want this to last forever, but with knowing what gender the baby is. I know, this is a theme with me, but I am impatient.

In another way it made me realize how lucky they are to NOT have Fertility issues to have this baby, and that made me jealous. I am going to carry this IF feeling forever it seems, b/c it comes up alot in my life.

I know my sister will be pregnant again soon, and those feeling will come back to haunt me again, in a way I want to be pregnant by myself b/c I worked so hard to get here and in a way I want people to know that and acknowledge it, b/c I went through hell. I guess I am selfish but I feel this baby is so special b/c of all the tears and heart break we went through to get pregnant.

I guess seeing new babies even though I am also pregnant, makes me feel the pain IF caused me all over again. And I wish it did not do that.

The Good and the Bad of my Day.

The Good

We had our NT scan today, which was so much fun b/c I took DD with me and she was wide eyed the entire time. Everything looked perfect and they are not concerned at this point but we still have the b/w to see. The Baby was moving all over the place (u/s tech said the baby was getting mad b/c she was poking at it- b/c when she first put the probe on me it was sleeping) and HB was 166. There was not a gender guess, she told us it was too early and I tried to look for the nub area (have been studying up) and saw nothing. At least I could not make it out. My BIG u/s is scheduled for 1/08

The Bad

Prior to the appointment I was running after the dog who was being naughty and I tripped over a box, and fell and heard my ankle crack. Freaked out a little b/c I do not have a phone in the house right now, only phone I had was in the car. I was able to get up and walk, went to the OB appt, and they suggested I have it looked at in case it was broken. It was not broken thank goodness, just very badly sprained. So now I am in a air cast and am to stay off my feet for 5 days, yeah right not with w/ 2 year old. Plus I was planning on doing some Christmas shopping Friday and clean all weekend, guess that is not happening. Just glad it is not broke.

So I spent most my day at the Hospital for Dr appt and in the ER, YUCK. At least the Dr appt was fun.

Hope everyone else's day was good.

NT Scan tomorrow

So excited to see the baby but really nervous about the results. My Mom and DD are going with I thought DD would love to see her new little sibling. Wish me luck! Maybe I will get to see a good shot of the nub and even guess the gender.

Bitty Baby

Here is our Bitty Baby at 11w5d, sorry so blurry I took a pic of it b/c our scanner is crap. ENJOY!

12 weeks.

Almost out of my 1st Trimester. Let me tell you I am feeling better, still tired but getting alot more done these days. Glad things are looking up b/c TOY season is coming for EBAY and I need all the energy I can get for that, it can get crazy.

My Mom made a gender prediction for this baby, she does for most of the people in my family. She is usually correct. But I am not sharing it just yet.

I am spending most of my time doing gender predictor tests, I am so impatient and had to reframe from buying both pink and blue the other day at Target just to satisfy me. I wish we would know before Christmas, but that will probably not happen.

This for me is the hardest thing about pregnancy not knowing what it will be and I hate surprises.

I have two papers to write this weekend, I have to re-do one that I got a awful grade on and the other I am just adding some extra things to make it better. I am struggling in school right now, probably because for the last 9 weeks I have been so tired. I am glad I decided to take next semester off to prepare for the baby, I need it.

Got to see the baby today...

why you ask, b/c I am stupid. Enough said

The baby was right on track and the HB was 175, they moved my NT scan until the 25th, the baby was a little small measuring on time but small she felt adding a fews more days from teh orginial date wold get better measurments. I was suppost to have it on Monday. I was excited to see the baby. Can not wait to see what we are having. I asked her about guessing gender at 13weeks 3 days which is what i will be at teh NT Scan, she said she probably will not guess but we can look and speculate. FUN!

Gender

With my NT scan coming up next week I am thinking more and more what this baby could be. I have no Mother's intuition about it. I felt my DD was going to be a girl but did not feel strongly about it until we had our BIG U/S and she did not cooperate. This time I am so back and forth about it, I would be happy with either but not knowing is driving me crazy.

Reasons I think it is a BOY:
Little to no m/s (did not have any with DD)
My DH wants a boy so badly
I had a psychic tell me it is a BOY (I know great reason)but she was correct with BFP month and the month I am due in.
RE guessed BOY
I had a dream I was having a BOY
The spare room in our house is white and red ready for a boy
After our first u/s were we saw the HB I thought BOY

Reasons I think it is a GIRL:
HB was 180 at 8 weeks, (DD HB was 180 at 9 weeks)
I a craving sweets, candy mostly
Gender prediction says girl
Everyone tells me it will be a GIRL
DD talks about her baby sister all the time, she even told my ILs she was going to have a baby sister (DH argues with her about it)
When I think about the future I think in GIRL
At my u/s at 8 weeks I started thinking it could be a girl
So far this pregnancy feels exactly the same as with DD.

Either way I would be happy, I just want to know. I am a planner by nature.


But I will be honest if we have a BOY I think I will be alittle nervous b/c what the heck will I do with a BOY?, I am so used to GIRL. Plus I told DH that if we have a BOY we will have to get a bigger house b/c we will have double the toys. He did not bite.

I do not want to wish this pregnancy to go faster so I can find out, I just can not wait to know!

THANK THE LORD!!!

OBAMA will be president! I have lots of comments on this, of course. I am not a hard core politics follower but I have my opinions and know alot of about the issues, considering the issues have affected my job, life and those around me.

I believe this is what we NEED! Because the last eight years have sucked, not one thing has happen that was GOOD, and the fact that we are financially following apart just when he is about to depart proves it.

I hope all McCain supporters can put their disappointment aside and support our new president because I think we are going to see great things in the next 4-8 years. I feel much better knowing that OBAMA will be president b/c for the last 4 years I have felt nothing but hopelessness.

I stayed up late to watch both the speeches and thought McCain was so touching and I know he will be a huge supporter of the new president and OBAMA, well I cried the entire time, could have been the hormones, but I am so relieved.


BTW I waited in line for 2 hours to VOTE yesterday and was so glad when OBAMA won PA!
Plus I know lots of republican that voted for OBAMA, now that has to tell you something.

Thank you to ANDREA from Bella and her Fella for nominating me for the I LOVE YOUR BLOG Award. I nominate her right back because I love her BLOG too!

I am 10 weeks!

Time flies when you are having fun huh. Well maybe not, I can not believe I am 10 weeks already, I have my NT scan in two weeks and so excited, I know it will be too early to guess the gender since mine I will be only 12 weeks 2 days while alot of the other ladies had theirs at 13 or 14 weeks. I am so excited to know what this little one is so I can start planning, but if this pregnancy goes by slowly I am OK wiht that too, I want to enjoy as long al possible. I have been feeling alot better lately, just tired.

Sorry to my readers

I have not posted as often as I used to... I used to hate it when people would get their BFP and then stop posting a lot. It sucked. Well now I feel that is what is happening to me. I try to post everyday, but every time I log into BLOGGER my computer freezes I have to turn it off and back on, then I get frustrated and dcide not to post anything. Sorry! Anyone else have these problems or is it just my computer?

Halloween was nice I have to post pics as soon as I download them, I am bad at that too, I have pics on my camera form Summer still.

24 hour pee bucket

That is what I did today, since there was so much protein in my urine and it was not a bladder infection, they wanted me to do the 24 hour pee bucket today, you get the idea. I did this before when I was pregnant with DD but that time I was 38 weeks and on bed rest, so I was at home. This was harder, since I had to work today and the Pee Bucket needed to be kept cold. Hoping for good news, b/c everything I see on the internet for protein in the urine this early in prenancy is not good. I think kidney disease was thrown around alot. I also worry that this will end up putting me on bedrest early and we cannot afford that at all since I will no be paid. Yuck, well gotta go pee in my bucket.

Update from DR appt...

I had my cauterization today, yuck. It hurt, not like I remembered and she made me bled, I am not sure if she knew that so now every time I pee it hurts. They plan on putting me on antibotics if it comes back infected, she told me that most pregnant women do not know they have a UTI and it is common, I did have one early on with DD and did not know it. Feel like history is repeating itself.

Afterwards the DR came in to talk to me and asked if I wanted to hear the baby's heart beat, she could not find it and finally gave up. She told me she would find someone else to find it and if they could not get it they would send me for a u/s. Well the second PA found it, 180 exactly. Again history repeating itself, DD's heart rate was always high early on and never went below 155. I was so happy to hear the heartbeat on the doopler but wish I would have ahd a u/s.

All well here, just really tired and so unmotivated, I need to get stuff done and I have a busy week with Halloween coming.

Protein in my urine :(

Not the title you probably want to read about. I got a call from the OB today saying they want me to come in Monday morning for a cauterization b/c they found protein in my urine. I had this with my daughter when i was 7 weeks, so I know the drill but nonetheless I am not happy. Mostly likely it is a UTI that i do not know abut or some of the progesterone I am taking is causing it. But I hope all is well.

I am thinking I may ask if they can find the baby's HB on the doppler while I am there, I will be a little early but just maybe we could hear it, I will be 5 days shy if 10 weeks.

First Appt update...

I know you all are waiting on pins and needles for a update from yesterdays appt. Sorry it took me so long, I had school last night and worked all day today. I am so tired and need a vacation.

The appt went great! HB was 175 and the baby was wiggling around. My DD's HB was 178 at 9 weeks. I was so nervous after the brown spotting which has turned to brown CM. The u/s tech said everything looked great and that there was no blood collecting anywhere to be concerned. Also the Nurse told me during my PAP that there was brown blood collecting around my cervix, which was fine and probably from the progesterone supps, they irritate your cervix after a while and she believes this is were Sunday nights spotting happened. I am still spotting but I and thinking she knocked some of that blood around while doing my pap, if it is not gone by Friday I plan on calling, but I bled from my HSG for over a week. It felt good knowing the HB was Great and the baby was wiggling around. I get another u.s at 12 weeks, I am not sure if I can wait till then. Then I will not have another u.s until 20 weeks, that is after Christmas. I hope we can find out the sex. Thanks for all the wishes and prayers yesterday i greatly appreciate it and hoping that this will calm me down now and I can talk about this as if it will actually happen now.

I took my Snack Basket to the RE after the appt, my favorite nurse was the one I gave the basket to for the staff. She was so excited to see me and hugged me and told me she was so happy everything was going so well. She made me promise to bring the baby in after it was born. I thought I was going to cry. I miss my RE office so much.

SPOTTING oh no!

I had some spotting last night, two times just brown.Of course when I first saw it I was so upset, called my Mom crying. I waiting till the am to call the OB b/c they would have told me unless it was red they could not do anything. I had some brown mucus come out this morning. So I talked to the OB nurse this AM and she had me go for a rhogam shot. I spotting brown with my DD at 7 weeks, I am 8 weeks now. She said that it was old blood coming out or my progesterone supps may have aggravated my cervix. I felt better knowing they were not concerned and had me come in for the shot. I am looking forward to seeing the baby tomorrow I hope all is well. Please pray it is.

When I went to get my b/w this morning the nurse was training she did not want to take my blood and I told her I was all right with her practicing on me. She did fine and she thanked me a million times afterwards. I told her I was used to it b/c of all the b/w I had done while TTC and going through IF. Then when I went to get my shot the lady was very cautious with me and kept saying that unfortunately this shot had to go in the butt and it would probably pinch, I looked at her almost laughing, I said no big deal, I had to give myself shots in the butt while trying to get pregnant, she looked confused, so I told her I went through IF, she said OK then you are a pro.

It was weird b/c when I was pregnant the first time the thought of giving blood and getting shots turned my stomach now it is second nature. IF has really helped me get over those things.

Please pray for a healthy HEARTBEAT! And for the spotting to stay away.

Nerves have set back in...

Remember I said I was getting nervous about the u/s on tuesday, while today i almost had a nervous break down. Why? I am so scared to go and nothing be there, crazy huh. I know something will be there, I just want the HB to be strong and still beating away. My symptoms have stopped, I am still tired but no sore BBs and no nausea at all. I am scared. Please pray for my sanity. I really do not think I will relax until this baby is moving and I can feel it. I do not want to wish away my pregnancy just want to know everything is alright.

PAPERS ARE DONE!!!

Yes I spent the entire day doing my midterm papers, I am happy to report all 4 are done and my Aunt is correcting them for me and Monday I will make my corrections and be done. I did get in a 2 hour nap with DD so that was nice.

I did have a slight worrisome day today. I went to fill my PNV today and the Pharmacist told me that my PNV was recalled several weeks ago, I kind of freaked, he could not tell me why b/c he is a sub on the weekends, but I put a call into the OB, they never called me back. Guess they are not concerned and probably think I am a freak. But I have been taking these vitamins for over a year. I got out my Target Brand this morning and took them instead. I am worried they will not help prevent birth defects and I can not find anything on the Internet about the recall, just that they were recalled no purpose to the recall. I was so besides myself. I know it is crazy to be so upset over PNV but now I am afraid. Dh tried to make light and said in a joking mater well we will have a huge lawsuit on our hands if something goes wrong, not funny.

I have my appt. on Tuesday for my 1st OB appt and another u/s I went into my panic mode tonight thinking what if there is no heartbeat. I know we saw a great HB of 139last time but it still worries me. I am getting my thirst back and drinking alot more and had some more cramping today, but that could be from sitting in a hard chair all day writing my apers.

Hoping the next two days go by fast I can not Wait to see my baby again. I am also going alone this time. So that will be weird b/c my Mom has gone with me the last 2 two times.

NATIONAL INFERTILITY AWARENESS WEEK

Since next week is NATIONAL INFERTILITY WEEK I wanted to do something to commemorate it. I thought long about this, many of the ladies on the nest mentioned they are planning on donating to RESOLVE which I thought about doing and I also wanted to send one of my TTTC sisters something special. Both ideas sound great but I think I know what I am doing.

I plan on making a snack basket for my RE office. I have to go to my OB appt. on Tuesday which is the same office as my RE just upstairs. On the way there I have to stop in the office to drop of my sharps container. So I thought I would make up a basket with a note attached to it saying something like " thank you for helping to create tiny miracles- NATIONAL AWARENESS INFERTITLY WEEK" I hope they would allow the patients to take snacks too. I am excited about this idea. I am just not sure if I want to do individual snack packs or make cookies or something. I will probably go with individual snacks of chips pretzels and candy.

I just thought I would do somehting special for the RE office b/c they are so amazing!

What do you think?

My fear

Well not really a fear, just has me a little concerned these days. When I got pregnant the first time I was a tight size 10 louse size 12. I gained a total of 42 pounds, I ate healthy but I ate alot and ate cake every chance I got. After I had her I was a size 18, got myself down to a size 14, which I am now. IF medications and stress did not help, I am still 10 pounds heavier then I was the first time I got pregnant.

I planned on watching my weight gain this time around. I know weight gain is good for the baby and I totally plan to gain. But I do not want to gain as much as last time. I may have gone a little too far on the cake last time. One thing I loved aout being pregnant is it did not matter how big I got I still loved my pregnant body it was the post baby body I hated. I want my goal to be no more then 30 pounds of weight gain, being I am already over weight for my size, I will probably be told not to gain much.


What worries me is since I feel naseous most of the day, I am eating anything that appeals to me at the time, in some cases, it has been cake, red velvet whoopie pies to be exact. which are hard to get my hands on now. BUt I ate 5 this weekend. Not good. Also I have been drinking alot of SPRITE b/c water turns my stomache, so all those empty calories can not be good. But I keep reminding myself I have to eat and if it does not appeal to me,I probably will not eat. Also I have noticed once I eat I feel better, so maybe I should eat more often, smaller portions.

So there you have it, nervous about weight gain, for after post baby, but maybe this time I will be able to breastfeed this time to lose some of that extra weight.


SCHOOL UPDATE: ONe paper done, only three to go. Lord help me. This is horrible.

Need to vent!

I am tried but that is OK, part of being pregnant which I am so happy about. What I am not happy about is school. It sucks. We have a take home midterm due on Oct 21st. All our work in class has been papers, and the midterm is no exception. We have four questions to answer in a 2-4 page paper. This happens every week. We read 100-150 pages and then have to write a 2-4 page paper. The problem I have is these are considered reaction papers. Our opinion. They are worth 3 points each, my last paper he gave me a 1, yes a 1. I answered the questions he wanted and he in not so many words told me that my opinion was wrong. So basically if I do not write about what he wants us to write about we are wrong. Personally I think he gives too much work at once, b/c 75% of the people in my class work full time and the rest part time. I am lucky to only be taking 1 class, while many of the people in my class are taking more then one. I am not saying that the amount of work he give out is wrong, but we are unable to work ahead. He also in my opinion has high expectations. I am nervous about these midterm papers, b/c if I do not get a least a B in the class my work will not pay for the semester. Being pregnant has not helped my motivation. I am getting my Masters for my job, more money and more time off, which I am not totally sure I will get anyways. I know that I will be taking a medical leave next semester so i am enjoy this pregnancy and my last few months with a only child. But this whole semester has me so stressed out. I just want to cry. I am totally burnt out on writing papers. It sucks.

Will not be posting a pic :(

My scanner makes the picture too dark. You can not see anything at all. How do people put up their u/s pictures? Any advice? Should I take a picture with my camera?

To tired to do anything...

I am really pushing myself. I know I should not be doing that, but when things need to be done I need to do them. Perparing for holiday ebay sales has been put on the back burner, until I get my midterm done. I really need to get my office ready for the holiday sales, which tend to start in Nov.


I plan on telling work on Friday I am pregnant, we have a staff meeting and everyone but my boss will be there. Plan on telling him closer to when I am 12 weeks. I know they will be happy for me b/c they are probably tired fo hearing me complain.

I looked at the u/s picture a million times today, just to remind myself, that yes this is real. Still planning on getting it up. Not much to look at now, but I am already in love.

OMG I am really pregnant!

We have a heartbeat. I am so relived.

When the u/s tech first started she went straight to my ovary to check the cyst first, which made the nerves even worst. The she showed the little itty baby, which looked like a peanut. There was a strong heartbeat from being onl 6w 4d, at 138. I also got to hear the heart beat! It was amazing, I started crying when I heard the heartbeat, b/c it became real. We met with the RE DR afterwards and he says my miscarriage risk is down to 5% and after my next u/s with the OB in 2 weeks it will be down to 2%. He said e was very pleased, was concerned about my levels pre O, but everything turned itself around. I am so grateful that I made it this far and so excited for my first OB appt. We are going to tell extended family and my Ils this week. I also am on the hunt for a BIG SISTER book to read to DD.

WOW I am really pregnant. Crazy!

Hoping to post pic of the u/s when I get home.

Thanks everyone for all the prayers and well wishes, I am so grateful to have such suportive blog readers, it is amazing. Praying for you all.

tomorrow is the big day...

U/S day! I am nervous but excited. I go from it will all work out and we will see a healthy heartbeat to OMG what am I going to do if the baby did not progress. It is all so scary becasue I love this baby already so much. Everytime I am snuggling with Avery I think I am actually snuggling with both my little ones, it is so seareal. Wish me luck and pray we see a healthy heartbeat!

The pressure is getting to me.

I am counting down the days until our next u/s, I am praying for a little heart beat. I looked up everything possible today (I should be doing my paper) about early miscarriage (I know shot me) and what a u/s should look like at 6week, how early people saw heartbeats etc. I googled everything, nothing made me feel better. I think this is what IF does to you. While going through treatment all you want is to see those two lines, everything is so unknown. Will I ever get pregnant again, will this medical treatment work for me, can we afford this? So much has gone through my mind in the last year. Once I saw those two pink lines, nothing really changed my anxiety level. The unknown is back. I know I have a little sac in there who looked as it should and everyone at the Re's office sound so optimistic that we will see a heartbeat this week. But I am worried. It is back to the unknown. I do not know what is going on in there. I pray everyday to let this baby be healthy and join our family in May. I love it so uch already I hold my stomach at night just to be able to hold me tiny baby. The waiting is killing me. I thought once I see a heart beat I would probably feel so much better, but now I think I will worry until I am 12 weeks. I wish I could stop this, it probably is not good for the baby. I am so grateful we are expecting again. Avery deserves to be a big sister and I deserve to be a mother again. But sometimes I am trying to not get my hopes up just in case.

I was trying to take a nap today and DH asked me what was wrong, I guess I look like hell I am so tired. I told him I did not feel well and was tired his response was "you know why" I thought he was going to say something sarcastic but he said "because you are pregnant" WOW I am pregnant. Who would have know with all this worrying I am doing.

So tired.

I try to blog everyday but lately I have been so tired. I have so much to do for school that sleeping is becoming a luxury. Nothing new to report. I have my u/s Tuesday and praying to see a heartbeat. Will keep everyone updated.


I have so much to do this weekend, I have to read 150 pages for school and write a four page paper, not sure how anyone does anything else if they are taking more then one class. I also decided that next semester I am taking a medical leave, not sure I can handle this being pregnant. I also want to prepare my ebay office for the upcoming Christmas sales. My office is a disaster. I plan on taking before and after pics, will post them. Hopfully I can get a lot done this weekend, I plan on not leaving the house.

24 hours of Bliss

That was all. I was excited for about 24 hours after my u/s, then I got worried again. I am praying so hard that there will be a healthy heartbeat and a healthy baby with this pregnancy. I am hoping after I see a heartbeat I can relax a little. This week seems to be dragging.

I have been doing good, just very very tired, which is not good when you have a toddler, but I am trying. I had class last night and had the worst stomach cramps and gas pain, so I felt like crap and of course I had to sit at a desk for three hours during this. So far nothing really to report. I am having sore boobs and nausea in the monring but not bad at all, I just do not want to eat breakfast. Lunch I am starving and then at dinner I am back to feeling not so hot maybe b/c I am so tired. I plan to embrace this pregnancy 100% once I know the baby is OK, I think that I do not want to get too attached until I know there is a heartbeat, too many people close to me last week lost babies, my friend and my sister. Hope everyone is doing well. Can't wait to hear updates.

We have a sac!

The embro implanted in my uterus, Hooray! Plus there was a sac with a yolk in it, it was so tiny, but the u/s tech kept saying it was there. There was no fetal pole but the u/s tech kept telling me that this is what is to be expected. Now we go back next Tuesday to see if we can see a heartbeat. Praying for a heartbeat. I feel much better knowing it is not etopic. I do however have a huge cyst, that they plan to watch and hope goes away on it's own when expected. I feel alittle more relief knowing it is where it should be. The RE nurse was so nice and told me that after next week and we see a heartbeat (she sounded so sure about it) that they would send me off to my OB/GYN and expressed that she would miss me and she felt like I have been her daughter. It was sweet. Plus my Mom went with so she got to see how busy the office is and how nice everyone is. Even the grumpy u.s tech was nicer today. So I need to keep myself busy for the next week and pray for a heartbeat. Thank you for all the well wishes.

Ultrasound tomorrow

Please pray there is a baby and it is implanted in the correct spot. Maybe tomorrow this whole thing will actually hit me this is for real. I think I have been real guarded b/c I am afraid about the what ifs. Praying for everyone else too!

5 weeks

I am 5 weeks now and it is so hard not telling family. Somehow (my MOM) my grandmother found out. My Mom thinks she over heard her on the phone with me one day when I was having a nervous break down. I am having lots of pain on my right side, from my ovary area, terrifed but thinking it is a cyst. It gets worst as the days goes on and some morning I do not even feel it until I do alot of activity. Monday is the first u/s and I am counting down the mintues,

It is hard not to be worried, not only did my sister lose a baby this week but I also found out a friend of mine did too. It makes me sad that these things happen.

Sad to say...

My sister had a miscarriage and is getting a D & C tomorrow. It is sad. She seems to be OK, she says it was not meant to be. I on the other hand had a melt down b/c I am so scared this is going to happen to me. Please Pray.

Still in a worried state...

Sorry if you all think I am crazy. I feel truly blessed to be pregnant, but that alone does not ease my fears, after what is going on with my sister I am worried for myself, which I would have been anyways.

The thing that has me worried is that my ovary is so achy, pinching pain, and I am cramping all over sometimes then just on one side, the side where my only ovary is. Etopic IS my worst fear. Because of the fact that I only have one tube to begin with. I also sometime get back pain on one side then all over.

I called the RE (yes they will be glad when I graduate to the OB)
She said it is normal to cramp and for my ovary to be achy but if it is sever call them. She said because my ovary was stimulated by the follistim it has residual effects, it made me feel better until the next pain started. Also how do I know if it is severe. Monday could not come fast enough. We have a very busy weekend so hopefully that will keep my mind busy.

It will also be hard this weekend not to spill the beans,we have two family get togethers, my cousins birthday party and going away with my ILs. Last time we told everyone at 5 weeks then I had spotting at 7weeks and regretted it telling, even though it turned out fine. This time I want to wait until I see a heart beat, which I hope is sooner rather then later.

I was so tired today and of course DH did not help my nap, he kept trying to talk to me. I then got up later to make dinner (doing now) and I had slight chills, it is cold in my house. I feel achy and just run down, I do not remember any of this last time. I do remember feeling exhausted but the ovary achiness I do not remember.

Praying this turns out well.

Please Pray...

My Sister went for a u/s yesturday and they could not find the baby. She said the u/s tech kept asking her if she was sure she was pregnant, they told her to go get b/w and they would call her today. She is upset, which is understandable, but felt like crap that she was treated badly from the u/s tech. This would have been their first u/s at 10 weeks. Worried for her. My sister and I do have a weird relationship she drives me nuts, but I wish no ill will for her. I hope everything turns out OK and the u.s tech was just a complete idiot.

My FIL is very ill, he has cancer and needs a bone marrow transplant, we known for a while this is the third time he has gone through this, but his immune system is very very low and he is stuck in the house and is not allowed to be around Avery, which breaks his heart.

Me: I am completely full of anxiety, I am having pains on my right side which is where my only ovary is, I was told by some girls on the nest after being on injectables your ovary can be sore and achy for a while b/c of the follicles shrinking. I just pray it is not etopic, that is my worst fear b/c I only have one tube. I am just owrried b/c it is only on my right side, I feel nothing on my left, but there is nothing there. Anyone else experience this early on? I am feeling fine, tired but not too tired and I waiting for it to hit me, with my DD I was so exhausted I sleep after work for 5 hours eat then went back to sleep for my entire 1st trimester, I am just waiting for this to start b/c now I have a toodler to watch too. I ate saltines for breakfast, I do not have morning sickness, just am not hungry in the AM, at least nothing seems appealing. But I got to eat.

OK off to obsess more about my aches and pains and what they could mean.


*** Disclaimer*** I will worry about everything until I see a heartbeat! Just a warning.

BETA #2 IN!!!

It was 442!!! My P4 stayed the same. I go in next Monday for a u/s, she told me not to expect to see anything, like a heart beat, but they are just checking to make sure the baby implanted itself at the right place and that it is growing. Then I would come back in 10 days for another u/s. I can not believe this is happening!!

It took the nurse until 2:15 to call me, they always call between 1-1:30pm so I got a little worried and thought it was bad news b/c it took so long. When she told me the number I let out a huge sigh of relief. I know we are not in the clear yet, but I am hoping a praying for a healthy sticky little baby and a healthy pregnany. PLease ocntinue to pray for us. I appericate it more then anything.

I do not want to get too excited over this. But I am excited!!!! We plan to tell no one until we hear a heartbeat, my Mom, sister, Dad and Aunt all know. I am not sure how I will keep this a secret from the ILs b/c we are going to Hershey Park on Sunday with them, and I can not ride anything, well maybe the carosel. It is going to be hard to hide it.

Still in Shock...

All yesturday I would not allow DH to talk about it. I am afraid we are going to jinx it. I did tell my Mom who told me I had to tell my sister, she did not react. I felt for a few seconds yesturday after telling her that being pregnant with her is going to drive me crazy.

I cleaned all day yesturday (my house has not been scrubbed in a month) and tried to keep myself busy so I would not think about it. I have not visited one pregnancy forum, no SAIF no FF pregnancy site, even though they have invited me to join several times. I have to wait until the second beta to get truly excited. Don't get me wrong I am excited but keeping it contained until it feels real. I was so full of anxiety last night before bed I did not sleep well. I did take another HPT this morning, it was POSITIVE, so I felt better. It gave me some permission to go down in the basement and pull out my pregnancy books, Pregnany week by week and what to expect when your expecting. They are sitting out and I may read week 1-4 but nothing more. Being that I teach pregnancy for a living this might seem crazy but I like reading these books and it is a good refresher.

Please pray for my beta tomorrow to double, or triple. I want this so badly. I also have a counseling appt tomorrow b/c I made it for when AF arrived, my worst time of the month. I am not sure if I will go since my main problem was dpression b/c of another failed cycle. Also the time I am going is during the time the nurse will call with my beta. I am probably going to cancel.

Praying for higher numbers!

*** UPDATE*** finally posted on SAIF, I am totally scared for tomorrow!

Cautiously Optimistic

that is what the nurse said when she told me that I am PREGNANT!!!!

I was in shock, after the BFN on Tuesday I was sure it was negative. I am so glad I took my progesterone this morning b/c I thought about NOT taking it.

Beta was 99 (which the nurse said is good for 15 DPO) I must go back on Monday for another beta, PRAYING PRAYING PRAYING it doubles! or triples! I want this so badly, and to be honest it has not sunk in yet. My P4 was 32, which she said was great, and they want me to continue taking the progesterone. Which is OKAY with me, now that it has a purpose. I am so happy, scared and nervous all at once.

I think I am still in shock, I went out to get a test just so I could see it myself, and it still has not sunk in. Please pray for me!

OK talk me down.

The progesterone supps are making my chart look promising, but I know better. AF is due today but b/c of the supps it could be delayed until I go off them, which is tomorrow after my beta. Also my temps are going back up. That gave me a small glimmer of hope this morning. Then I had to slap some sense into myself. I have no cramps, just stomach pains and I am sooo tired. I wish these digusting little guys would not give me hope. Just looking at my chart I have to bring myself back to reality. BFN is a BFN.

Please talk me down about progesterone, remind me it does keep your temps high and AF away. Please remind me so I am not double crushed tomorrow after my beta comes back negative. Please.

I HATE THIS ROLLERCOASTER!

Do not feel like blogging.

The progesterone is making me so sleepy, all I wanted to do all day was sleep. Wish I could just get out of my misery and go off it. I really have nothing to say, I am sad, OK more then sad. I got myself CLAMS for dinner, maybe that would cheer me up. Prob not.

forward with the sucky cycle

I called the Re nurse this morning to tell her about this mornings BFN and ask if we can do the beta tomorrow so I can go off the progesterone supps b/c I do not want to delay AF ay further. Of course she said no that I could rebound (whatever - she was trying to give me HOPE) and still get a BFP. To wait it out. Then she apologized for torturing me. Which is exactly what it feels like Torture. So I guess I will follow her advice and continue with the progesterone supps that make me feel like crap and delay af farther.

Tested...

BFN. I am only 12 DPO but I am thinking it is correct b/c I did have those two extra booster shots. Also I am thinking I will call my Dr today to see if I can come in early for my beta and get off these progesterone supps. So Sad, but I should have known.

Also my temps went from 98.56 yesturday to 98.21 today, so they did go down, not by much but there you have it. A BUST.

Shopping Therapy...

Usually when I am upset or depressed shopping always brings me out of the funk. Not anymore. I went shopping today for a few things we needed and things we did not need and it did not make me feel any better like it used to. I think at this point the only thing that will sure me is being pregnant and knowing the baby is healthy, because that still worries me.

I am 11 DPO, nothing more to share, most my symptoms have left, I am crampy on and off but they are super mild and realize I probably only notice them b/c I am looking for them, my bbs are sore, but again probably only notice it b/c I am looking for it. I am tired but not as tired as I was over the weekend. My bloat has gone away. My temp is still up and if it will drop it will do it before Thursday, maybe it will trick me and stay high b/c of the progestrone supps. Now we just have to figure out how we will pay for next cycle.

Isn't that funny...

I was so exhausted yesterday, but when I went to bed I could not sleep. I was running through my head the rollercoaster that is called TTC. I thought about how I am going to handle it is this cycle is a bust, What my plans are if the cycle is a success. I finally had to tell myself to cut it out and go to sleep. 5 more days, until my beta. I am not feeling hopeful, b/c I think all my symptoms are progestrone supps related. I do not want to get excited over the symptoms progestrone supps have given me.


“But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3

OK I am going to admit it...

All the secondary IF blogs I read, all of them are doing IVF. I realize some had primary IF and some have different partners. It makes me nervous for myself. I know IVF was never brought up to us, but are WE heading in that direction. B/c if it is brought up DH is going to shoot it down, like in a mintue and it makes me so nervous to see ladies who have lovely little kids, trying for #2 and having to resort to IVF. It makes me sad for them and scared for me.

I was cruising secondary IF blods on teh Stirrup Queens Blog and noticed this tread. So it got me thinking. Sorry if I upset anyone, I am just afraid we will head that way and be screwed.

ALL GONE

All false hope is now GONE. I have nothing I am feeling anymore. No bloat, no cramps, no sore bbs like before, just tired, which I am thinking is from the progestrone supps. I am in a grumpy mood and to do want to be around anyone. I do still have a nagging headache. This week is going to be the S-L-O-W-E-S-T ever.

I can not even POAS b/c it will be positive no matter what, I took my last HSG booster on thursday.

I have cried most the monring and just feel plain BLAH, I am so full of anxiety and feel sick from it.

I want to be pregnant so badly. Sorry just had to get that out, I am NOT having a good day. I am starting to worry how my depression is going to effect DD, but I do not know how to feel otherwise.

FALSE HOPE

I think the progestrone supps are giving me false hope.

I made it!

I got through work today without shedding a tear, new record. I have cried everyday at work this week. I guess I am feeling a little hopeful (oops Did I say that). I do not think "this is it" but I find myself dreaming about what if this is it? One more week to go. Praying for a BFP or not a delayed cycle. Hoping this next week goes fast.

It seems this is how my cycle goes. Bitter,angry and depressed until the last week of the 2ww, then I have slight hopefulness. Remember I said slight, I do not want to be crushed.

The progesterone has now made me constipated, I am have mild cramps and a headache. I believe they are all from the progesterone supps. Anyone else have major symptoms on progesterone supps, what were they?

DR. Called !!!!!!

Finally good news!

P4 27 - up from 16.7
E2 142 - up from 87

Just three days ago! WOW! I am shocked! They still want me to do another HCG shot tonight and my Beta is Friday. Staying on Progestrone till then. Fingers crossed, I am not expecting much, but now I feel much better about this cycle.

The weirdness that is my life.

I have a hard time imagining what it would be like when I see those 2 lines. I can not imagine what it will be like to by maternity clothes for myself and new baby things. It is hard for me to think about this things, b/c in a way I am scared this may never happen for us.

The on the other hand, I have so many plans for when we are finally pregnant. I have planned what furniture I will buy DD for her BIG GIRL room, I know how I plan to set up the new baby room. I have plans on where all the stuff I have stored in the 3rd bedroom will go. I also have planned that as soon as I hit my 2nd trimester I would like to take DD to Disney World. Which if I am pregnant this cycle (doubt it highly) I would hit my 2nd trimester after Christmas and be able to travel and we could take her there for her Birthday. I have plans on what I will do with all the money we saved up for medical treatment for the next cycle. I have so many plans, but even though I have all those plans, I can not imagine it actually happening.


I want to be happy again, I want to be excited for people I want to keep planning for when it is my turn, but I know if I start doing this I will just be crushed at the end. IF sucks, I hate that good women have to live this everyday.

I talked to a lady at the RE's office today, we were sitting in the waiting area and she was telling the RE nurse that the only reason she can pay for treatment is b/c of her husbands ebay business, I turned to her and told her me too. We have no IF coverage and if it was not for the ebay sales I would have nothing to pay for my meds and appointments, nothing. I do not make much and we are stretching ourselves thin but at least I have some extra money to get through it. We bonded over how it was unfair IF is not covered. She was going through IVF. I felt sad after that conversation, why do people who want children so badly have to work so hard to get it. It is not fair. All this is not fair.

I am waiting for my P4 and E2 levels from the nurse. Hoping for good numbers but I am not too optimistic.

Progestrone is killing me.

I normally get 2WW phantom symptoms, but being on Progesterone suppositories makes those phantom symptoms 10 times worst. I have sore BBs, ever get this during the 2WW only can feel the soreness when I touch them, but this cycle, just walking they hurt. I have a lot more cramping then normal. I am sooo tired, I am normally tired by nature (I am normally constantly on the go) but this time the tiredness is occupied by no motivation. NONE. I am so behind in everything. The only thing I DO NOT have is the constipation, which makes me think I am right about this cycle being a bust. I also am getting waves of naseous which is NOT normal for me, but again could be the progestrone.

Tomorrow is my 7DPO b/w and hoping for my E2 to go up, actually I am hoping my P4 goes up too. I am actually nervous for the results.

On a positive note, my urea plasma test came back negative, I was relieved but then also felt like it that was a problem we could fix it. But now I will not have to take antibiotics.

Well off to put all this NO MOTIVATION to good use.

PREGNANCY EVERWHERE

Everywhere I go there are pregnant bellies. It is not bad enough that I go to work and see several teenage pregnant bellies and then see my family's pregnant bellies, but now I can not go shopping or to the gas station without seeing pregnant bellies. It is just plain depressing.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen

Progestrone and other craziness...

Today was Avery's first day of preschool, she had so much fun and did not cry when I left, so independent. Will post pics later.

Progestrone / Estrogen b/w today at 4DPO, now I know it is early and I have time, but I was NOT happy. My P4 was 16.7 and my E2 was 87 (needs to be over 100), Is there a chance to bring this up? I have more b/w on 7DPO which is Thusrday. I also have to do my 2nd HCG shot tonight and since no one is around to do it besides my sister (who I do not want to see right now) I will be doing it on my own, wish me luck, it is a butt shot, so this should be good.

I also made a counselor appt, for after my period is due, since that is my hardest time during my cycle.

I just feel BLAH today. Wish this all was easier.


**** UPDATE: I did my HCG shot myself and it was not as bad I a thought it would be, it was actually empowering!

I have been TAGGED

I have been tagged by two wonderful nesties, TARAH and ANDREA (Bella and her Fella) both their blogs are listed in my BLOG. Praying for both, Tarah and Andrea in their TTC journey! (sorry guys I do not know how to link)

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

RULES TO BLOG: NONE, Be open and honest.

6 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME:

1. I met my DH when I was 14, we dated for 6 months, lost touch and then ended up dating again when I was 18, we have been together for almost 11 years.

2. I used to own a Gourmet Dog Treat Business, which ended about a year ago, we did alot of craft shows and fundraisers.

3. I can go 3 weeks wihtout doing wash for myself.

4. I hate to cook, but love to eat. I could probably eat out everday, I am lucky if I eat out every month.

5. I collect Willow Tree Angels, I have just about all of them.

6. My biggest fear in life is that I will never be able to complete my family.

I TAG (again do not know how to link)
1. AMY (amy's Blog)
2. Shannon (Shannon's Blog)
3. Lisa (Trying to have a Baby)

OK, just realized...

Today I did not cry, well not yet. I have cried everyday for the last two weeks. Today I was sad, but not as sad as before. Not sure why. I think now that my injections are over and we have had all the sex we needed to, it is now out of my control. I always hated the days leading up to O, while the 2WW is not my favorite (usually goes so slow) I always feel little better during the 2WW. Maybe it is b/c I could be pregnant. Now do not start thinking, WOW she has turned a new leaf. I have not, I am still sad, depressed and just plain tired of this rollercoaster. And HOPE has not settled in yet, I am still feeling this crappy cycle will end up like all the others, in a BFN.

On another note, paper is done, Just need to proofread and print out, which I will do tomorrow b/c I cannot look at it anymore today. It is a sucky paper, to go along with my sucky rollercoaster life.

LAZY SUNDAY

Well not really.

I did get all my articles read yesterday, so all I HAVE to do it write the paper, which hopefully comes easy, b/c as of right now I do not have a clue. Got 1/2 my housework done hoping to finish today.

Progesterone is going better, still very messy, but I have been lying down longer in hopes most of it stays in and not leak out. I did however yesterday after taking it in the morning, about a hour later have a wave of nausea and felt like I was going to faint. It was horrible. Hoping not to repeat that today. I have my first set of b/w tomorrow and will more then likely get my second HCG shot tomorrow night.

This morning while laying in bed I was thinking about the next cycle already. I tried so hard to move those thoughts out of my mind but they kept coming back. I want them to up my dose next cycle. Hopefully they will. I realize they told me that they were wanting one great follie and I still have a chance but in reality I am not feeling it at all. I do not think I am pregnant. I wish I was, but feel nothing that makes me have a glimmer of hope, and yes I know it is early.

Well I am going to keep myself occupied by doing my school work and house work and pray this nightmare ends soon.

This is what I get...

I have a million things to do this weekend, I wanted to do them last weekend, but I was too depressed. Now I have not choice, I have to get my fat ass off the computer all day long and get something done.

My house looks like a tornado hit it (ok maybe a tornado did hit it - named Avery) so I have to straighten my house. I have three weeks worth of wash to do for myself, thank goodness I have so many clothes I was OK with clothes for the last three week, but now I need to wash the clothes.

I also have two small books to read and write a 4 page paper for school. I had two weeks to do this, but kept pushing it off, now it is due on Tuesday, I can not put it off anymore. I have 2-4 page papers due every week until after thanksgiving. Did I mention I hate school?

So off to get something done, hoping I can do it. I need to do it.

I started my progestrone supps last night, not fun. The first one I could not get in, not sure why, but it hurt pushing it up. I do not think it went 1/2 way in, and it is messy. I did the other this morning and I had a better time. Hoping the rest og this way. I feel so gross b/c they leak like crazy, yuck.

COUNT IS ON!

I read 27 Infertility Blogs daily (on my list) and out of those 27, 10 are pregnant (who were not when I started reading them) So that is 17 more to go. Come on ladies get that BFP. I want to some day be reading only pregnancy blogs, not IF blogs from my favorite ladies. Also I want to turn my BLOG into a pregnancy blog too.

Not writing off just yet...

I spoke to the nurse today, my b/w from yesturday said I was about to O but not there yet. So I must have Oed last night, which would have been good, we got three nights in a row in for sex. DH came home today and asked if he was on duty tonight. At least he is interested in this baby making even if he does not want to spend the money.

I also asked the RE nurse (this nurse I feel more comfortable with - not sure why, she just always seemed geniune) her professional opinion on how I responded this cycle, she admitted she was disappointed, b/c of my E2 level at trigger time, she would have liked to see my level be higher so then my lining wouold have been better. She told me not to write it off just yet, b/c we are adding the progestrone supplements this cycle and we will see where we stand on Monday with my b/w. But she did add, we will re-evaluate for next cycle. Which ahd me think maybe we should write off this cycle as already failed. I want to have HOPE so badly. Please let this happen for us, I need this to happen for us.

On another note, I mad ethe step to call a counselor b/c I have not been handling the last three weeks very well. I left a message to see if they deal with IF issues, if not I will call another. Not sure where I will fit this into my schedule or even if I will follow through and actually go, but at least I called.

Starting to unravel...

I have been praying for months for GOD to show me the way, to give me strength, to give me a sign of what path I am to choose. I feel with all this praying, hoping, praying and hoping, I feel exactly the same as I did before. I do not feel peace or stronger or anything, I just feel defeated and abandoned.

Everyone says, pray harder, GOD will come through. WHEN????? Because for months I have praying everynight, every morning and sometimes several times a day. I am losing faith. Losing faith in GOD, losing faith in myself and losing faith in the DRs.

I realize you must be laughing at me, b/c according to everyone in my life the cycle is not over until AF arrives. But I feel like this has been my worst cycle by far on medication that was suppost to give me better results. I also believe I Oed yesturday (rather then today - like the DR expected) I did call them b/c this happened last cycle but now it happened again. Why am I Oing 24 hours after my trigger shot? This is only according to my temps, which I realize comes with human error, but I take my temp everyday at the same time with the same amount of sleep, where is the error? They had me come in for b/w, which may have been pointless, b/c if I did O today I would have this morning and regardless the test is going to say I Oed, unless they know something I am not aware of.

So now I wait, wait for the b/w to get back (which they said might not be until tomorrow) 2ww is here and we are doing the pineapple this cycle (I rebelled last cycle) and going to acupuncture (for my last treatment) during implantation time. I am moving along even though this whole cycle was pointless and I wasted a whole shit load of money. I just want to SCREAM.

Can it get any better???

I know I have been less then positive about this cycle, to say the least. Maybe it is because of all the crap I am dealing with in my life, I am not sure. I thought injectables would be our ticket to success. Now I am not feeling that way at all. Besides only one follie and low estrogen, I find out today that my DR does want me to start the progestrone supplements on Friday (which I thought I was anyways) because my lining was only a 7. My lining was only a 7 on my clomid cycles too. So now I am thinking I wasted my money on this cycle, I could have just done Clomid and saved myself the money and got the same results. It sucks.

I also am dreading the school year starting, I Offically start seeing my cleints next week. I am a counselor for pregnant / parenting teens. I love my job but lately it has been harder and harder to go to. I am thinking of quitting, which will put all my plans (masters degree and all) pointless. I am not sure what I am qualified for besides working with children, that is where all my experience is. I am stuck. If I quit and end up pregnant I might regret it, but if I stay is it emotionally OK for me. So far it is fine, but I can forsee this going any farther I may have to give up something, like my job.

Craptastic Appt...

Well alittle bit.

I was tested for ureaplasma, b/c I had it in 2004, so they did a culture just in case. Cyst is tiny as tiny can be and I only had 1 mature follie and one that is sort of mature. I was to say the least disappointed. Where did the other one go? Out the window just like my hopes and dreams.

The nurse told me they are glad with the progress of the one lonely follie, it measured 19mm. I on the other hand as not pleased, I guess I my mind more then one gives me a higher chance of one sticking. I cried in the car afterwards... We are trigging tonight, CD11 so I will O on CD13 (earliest ever) and will go back Monday for b/w to see if I need the HCG, but I will ask to take it regardless (I need all the push I can get) and start my progestrone supplements on Friday, twice a day. Fingers crossed... The nurse did tell me that my estrogen is only at 176, it has to be between 175-200 that also did not make me feel any better, I wish it was 200, that would make me feel better.

Now I know why I was not bloated at all this cycle, I kept thinking to myself this weekend, "if I have three follies shouldn't I be more bloated" That solved that, only one decided to mature. So disppointed.
So we will see how this goes. I am hoping that after O I will feel better about the situation. But right now I just want to go to bed and cry myself to sleep.

I can not sleep...

I went to bed 2 hours ago and have been up ten times. I just can not settle my brain. All I can think about if what if this cycle does not work. Am I going to have enough energy to do this over again? And Again and Again. I have a follie check tomorrow and keep telling myself that things will work out, soon it will be my turn. I am not completely sure if I believe that, but I will keep saying it.

We had dinner at the ILs tonight. Since they know nothing about our IF, I had to leave the table in the middle of dinner to go give myself a shot in the bathroom. It took forever b/c I ran out of meds and had to switch vials. It sucked to stick myself twice which by the way is getting harder to do. My stomach is not bruised but very sore. My MIL talked me into going to the baby shower for Dh's Cousin, I do not want to go, but we have a family thing on my side that day, so maybe I will go just to avoid my sister. Still do not know what I will say when I see her. I feel so badly I am angry about this, but I am.

I am hoping after I finally O I will start to have a little HOPE, all this stress can not be good for my body. I know this, but I do not know how to control it, I AM STRESSED, SAD and just plain DEPRESSED.

I have to keep telling myself this worked once it will work again, Right?

So much has been taken from us.

As IFers our Journey is different from most people. I feel during this process a lot has been taken away from me.

1. I can not have spontenous sex with my DH, it is all planned.
2. Everyone knows my cycle, there will never be a surprise "I am pregnant announcement"
3. I plan my life around DR appts
4. I plan my budget around payng for medications
5. I can not be happy for others who annouce their pregnancy (usually this is for non IFers)
6. I am starting to HATE my job, a job in which I thought I would retire at.
7. I look at my daughter with pity, that she will never be able to have a sibling relationship. (even if she does end up hating her sibling).
8. I have cancelled things in my life just to get by whether it be for emotional reasons or just because I have to be at the DR at a certain time.
9. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore, I used to have everything laid out.
10. Watching others struggle and lose babies makes me even more scared to continue with this journey.

Sorry to be so whinny lately, I hate myself for being such a complainer.

Grateful

I am so grateful for so many things in my life, but when I am down like I have been for the last week, it is harder and harder to get that sense of gratefulness back.

I love my Daughter (sometimes more then my DH - SHHHHH!) I can not see life without her. She is a miracle baby to me. Even though we were always told we would not conceive without medical help b/c of my condition and past history, we were able to. I remember having the appt with the RE and calling to cancel b/c I got a positive pregnancy test. Relief in so many ways. Throughtout my pregnancy I did not complain once, not once! I was so grateful to have that baby. I did not care how I looked or felt I was just gushing.

The day she was born (bad labor story - will tell at sometime later) all the pain was worth it, at the moment they laid her on me, I was instantly in LOVE. I was on such a HIGH, I knew at that moment what my purpose in life was, it was to be her Mother, I have always wanted 3 children and now am afraid Avery will be my only one. That thought is so heartbreaking.

Avery told me yesturday out of the blue (remember she is 2 1/2) that I am her best friend, while that made me so happy to hear it also broken my heart. Is that how it is going to be the rest of my life, just her and I.

I told my Mom I had such confidence in these treatment, before this cycle, and for some reason that has all followen apart, maybe b/c we are getting closer to no more options, at least when I was on clomid I knew if it did not work we would move to injectables, but what is next? For us (according to DH) nothing, b/c he does not want to do IVF.

Maybe I feel this way b/c I have had a horrible past week. I need to get that HOPE back, I can still be guarded just want some HOPE.

I have read so many books out there about Secondary Infertility and they say women who have a positive experience with parenting take this struggle even harder. That is me. I love to parent.

Let me also say I am not jealous of people having #1 especially if it was a struggle for them. I am actually excited for them, my hairdresser just told me she is TTCing and I was excited for her. When people anncounce #2 that is where I get upset, with why can't that be me. Also having two fmaily members pregnant with #2 now does not help my sanity.

So back to topic, I am grateful to have my Daughter and feel so lucky to be her Mom. She is the greatest kid in the world.

I need to get out of this FUNK.

Because I feel like I am living in a dase and am not able to accomplish anything...

Dh and I went to dinner last night - alone. His parents gave us money for our anniversary and we figured we better use it on dinner rather then bills (IL know nothing about IF issues) At dinner DH and I had a long talk about things we want. We have had these talks before but this time it felt like it was more like dreams then it will actually happen. Before our IF issues Dh always wanted to Build a house. He has talked about this for a while, but financially we were not in a place to do it. We sold our last tiny house and bought the house we are currently in b/c it was slightly bigger and we could afford it. Ever since he still talks about building soon. Well in order to build we have a few bills to pay off, I have a nice little ebay business going and make good money (at least for me) normally all that money goes towards things we need that just come up (this month it was the $500 I had to pay to fix my car) and paying down debt. Well then IF started and now all my ebay money goes towards the medication, it actually sucks to be giving out your debit card number to the pharmacy so you can pay for your meds. I actually had a slight nervous break down after I got off the phone after I paid for the meds b/c we could have used that money for so much more. I feel like b/c we are completely Out of Pocket I should just flush the money down the toilet with every failed cycle. Because that is exactly what this is like. I feel like I have wasted so much money on our failed cycles. It sucks, if money was not the issue I guess I would feel better. Back to Topic, so after our discussion last night of BABY, Pay down DEBT and start looking for Land, I felt like I am crushing DH's dream of building. I realize it is just a house and a baby is more important (at least to me) I was a little sad. I started with the what ifs again, what if in the end of all this we still come up empty handed and just have more debt to deal with. I hate this feeling. I want so badly to take my Daughter to Disney b/c she would freak to see those Princesses and I just want to see her face light up. Our life is on hold. That is how I feel. I can not plan or spend money on anything b/c we may need it, for IF treatments. LIMBO SUCKS. I just want to move on with my life and start making plans again.

I woke up this morning, not wanting to get out of bed, just with this huge sense of sadness. If this does not work out, we will just be left with a pile of debt and no baby. I am afraid I will be bitter forever. I thought as soon as I got the good news my tube was open I would feel better but I don't.

I have been asking GOD for a sign for weeks. Just tell me what I am suppost to do. I always said that is my sister would get pregnant first I would stop because I do not want my Mom to watch two infants at once. This was Before IF treatments started. feel like I can not stop the rollercoaster ride, but when is it enough.

Now there were a few things that happened this week that has me confused...

Are these my signs?

Signs to stop TTCing
1. Sister got pregnant
2. nervous break down about paying for meds (after I paid I felt like I made a huge mistake - asked my Mom is I made the right decision - of course she said yes)
3. Not sure HOW we are going to pay for our next round.
4. Cyst showing up (could have cancelled the cycle myself)
5. overwhelming sense of this will not happen for us
6. found out about abnormal pap smear from MAY
7. got this guardian angel necklace at the beach last weekend (was expensive) got home and the chain is broken.

Signs to keep going
1. Tube is open
2. HSG increases your chances
3. On new protocol
4. cyst did shrink
5. everyone in my life has HOPE for me (even my DR)except myself.

I hate not having control over this, it is truly a waiting game. I hate waiting and think many of us have waiting long enough.

When my MOM told me about my sister I immediately wanted to not move to the next step and take some time off (even though the DR says I do not have time) my MOM made me swear to keep going and why they did not tell me right away is because they thought I would stop. I feel so guilty about the possibility my MOM may have to watch two babies plus my nephew and my DD. Then on the other hand I am so sad that this might NOT happen for us.

In a way I think if we did not try to get pregnant and it failed I would feel better about the BFN - because we were not truly trying - while since we are giving 100% to this process when the BFN comes it hits me harder.

Sorry so long, I just feel so sad and can not seem to let it go. I need to let it go, I am living in a state of anxiety

1st follie check... and cyst check :(

I had my first follie check this morning, I am only on cd7 so it is very early, but she wanted to get me in before the holiday weekend and check that cyst. Well the cyst got smaller, and they said may get smaller yet. Thank goodness - I really thought this cycle would be cancelled. I also had 3 follies, they were small but there and she expressed there maybe more my Tuesday, (THUMP) I almost feel over. I would like 4 but nothing more. My family insists I will have twins, me not so much. I know they will scale my meds back if I get too many follies. I hate that people think fertility meds = twins. Maybe I will do a list of my pet peeves eventually. I have a few - HA!

I am feeling better this morning, maybe b/c it was the good news I received in the last two days. I still do not know what I will say to my sister when I see her, but we will get through it. I do not think people realize how much this all hurts. It actually stings alot. The nurse told me she felt good things for me, everyone has been saying that. I feel like they say it just to make me feel better, but I do appericate it. I just do not want to get my hopes up, guess I have turned very guarded through this and as time progressives. I hate the ups and downs of things, I wish I was more positive, maybe I will get there. I think I am really positive after I leave the DR office, then it all falls apart within a hour. Maybe they will allow me to move into the Dr office?

I am also thinking of stopping acupuncture. It does relax me and seems to have kept my headaches at bay, but it is getting way too expensive, especially since I just paid 700.00 for meds this cycle. I think I rather go get a massage twice a month and I would still pay less. I will decide by Tuesday what my plan is. I feel badly b/c she has helped me, but it is just getting too pricy. If I get BFN this cycle and did not do the acupuncture I will feel badly, they say after 3-6 months if it does not work for you (meaning BFP) then it probably will not, I am on month 6 now with her. I am so confused.

How does everyone else stay positiive?

HSG update...

This morning was hell. I did not sleep at all and was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up. They told me to eat breakfast, that did not happen b/c just the thought of it made me want to poke. I took my 4 advil and hurried to the hosptial. My Mom went with b/c she insisted. After I checked in I thought I was about to burst into tears any second. I held it together, thank goodness. I was not nervous about the actual procedure but the actual outcome.

They took me back and did their thing, the nurse who was there asked me about DD and it ended up we gave birth on the same day, when the DR came in she told him and he said, well we are hoping to repeat that soon.

He put the stuff inside me, cleaned my cervix, sorry if TMI and put in the catherter, it did not hurt just alittle uncomfortable, then they asked me to put my legs down (what?) that was so weird. When he put in the contrast I watched the screen but of course had no clue what I was looking at. I had alot of crmaping and pressure, the nurse kept telling to to breath deep right through it. When it was over, he went over my results, b/c at this point I am freaking b/c I have no clue what anything was on the screen.

DR told me that my tube is not blocked (hooray!) but my tube is kind of funky shaped. My uterus is bowed at the top, which he does not forsee as a problem, but the funky tube might be. He said we will do 3 injectable cycles with TI and then if I am not pregnant do a LAP on the tube, so maybe he can straighten it out. My tube is like a L, but should be like a J. If you can see what I mean.

He also added after all this, that he thinks I will be pregnant in the next 3 cycle maybe even this cycle. How can he be so optimistic? I wish I was more optmistic. I just felt like this is one more hurdle I have to worry about. I hate that feeling.

I hope he is right, I want a baby so badly. Afterwards I cried in the bathroom with my MOM, I am so scared this is not going to work and I will need surgery. I just can not get my hopes up to have them crushed, which is what has happened the last few cycles.

I hate that I am so bitter but I am. DH and I had a fight last night about the what ifs, and if IVF comes to be our future what would we do and he is staying on his NO WAY NOT DOING IT WE DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY routine. Which upsets me. I know he is supportive of all this but is tired that I am so upset all the time and that I feel if DD is our only child it will feel like the end of the world for me.

I know what you are thinking I should be happy! NO BLOCKED TUBES, but all I feel is saddness and stress.

Oh and today is our 4th anniversary and I do not feel celebrating, I am so emotionally drained.

Meds arrived...

Well went I for a baseline u/s and I found out I had a cyst. Thought for sure the cycle would be cancelled and I sat in the waiting room for the nburse to call me back to the office in almost tears. I held it together, thank goodness. Well the good news is they are letting me proceed, b/c the cyst was only a 16 (needs to be 20 or higher to be cancelled)whatever a 16 means.

I start my follistim tomorrow, bad news is if the cyst is still there on friday and gets any bigger, the cycle will be cancelled. Even though I start the shots. HSG still scheduled for thursday and next week I need tog et another PAP smear, b/c my one in May came back abnormal. I was never told. I was so upset. So the nurse plans to talk to my OB/GYN (who I love just alittle upset with now) and see if they shoudl repeat it next week or wait the 6 months, which would bring me to Nov. They also want to retest me for ureaplasma, b/c I tested positive for that back in 2004 and both Dh and I were treated. This is all before I got pregnant with DD. I am praying for clear tubes and a cyst that will go away!

I also got a invite for a baby shower today for Dh's cousin, who we did not know was even pregnant. I do not want to go especially since it is when Af is due this cycle. I need to find an excuse.

UPDATE...

Well AF came 1 hour after I posted. I cried, of course I knew it was coming but kowing I was NOT pregnant really upset me.

Is this ever going to happen for me?

So this week I will be starting my follistim, on wednesday. I have my baseline tomorrow and my HSG on thursday (my anniversary) which if it comes back bad I guess we will be staying home from dinner. Then my first follie check on friday, b/c of the holiday weekend.

I just want to be pregnant already, I hate this rollercoaster. I am praying my tube is open, totally feel sick over it, b/c that will make or break us at this point.

So life is just BLAH.

greetings from the beach!

No AF yet, I am offically 16 DPO, MOnday is my beta, feeling nothing that says pregnant, feeling lots that says AF is coming, my temp dropped and stayed the same for the last three days, however it is still higher then normal, but with a huge temp drop like that it seems AF is coming, I know as sson as I log off AF will be here, that is always how it works. If you want to see my chart, scroll down to another post and you can cut and paste, sory can not get it up now on this computer connection. Glad I got the check in with my chicas, fingers crossed,but I feel like I already know what the oputcome is going to be. Intution I guess.

Hope everyone is doing well, can not wait to read all the updates from everyone! Will post when I return.

Update on appt...

Well it went well, I told him about my temp drop and of course he said "well you never know it might go up tomorrow" nice of you to say but nope once it drops Af comes within 25-48 hours.

I will be starting Follistim and doing HCG shots (trigger and boosters) and progestrone. Maybe this will be my magic combo.

He also wants me to do a HSG. he said he did not see a need for it but for peace of mind for me and him to know it is clear, they will do one, now this is going to be a struggle b/c the time frame in which they would do this will fall on labor day weekend. we were suppost to go away but DH has to work now and I was going to go alone but decided I would stay close, since I am starting a new drug and need to stay close to the DR just in case something happens. I am praying we can get this in and everything gopes smoothly. I thought I was going to cry a few times during my appt. but I held it together, when i was waiting for the DR to come in the room, I kept thinking I can not beleive it came to this.

He also told me in his experience and with my history he thinks my chances of conceiving with 3 months on jusy follistim and TI are 50% to 70%. he also asked how I feel about twins, I told him I was fine with it, he said that will determine how agressive they go, they try to keep it in the singleton range but if I do have 3 follies (by chance) and I am OK with twins they would not cancel the cycle, however it I had 4 or more follies they would cancel. They montior more often in my cycle on follistim and will be making sure multiples are a slim chance (if we got twins I would be fine - actually happy).

So there you are, my next cycle plan. Praying my tube is open and the follistim works and everything goes well. I just want this to work. I want to hold a healthy baby in my arms and feel the baby kicking inside me. I dream of Avery holding her younger sibling, I HOPE this works for us, b/c if it doesn't I do not know how I am going to handle it.

Well I will not be back on until Monday, for we are going away this weekend. I may try to get near a wireless comnnection to update on when AF arrives.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend.

temp drop

yep, I predicted, it happened. This morning huge drop. Af will be arriving. Guess I should not be sad, b/c I knew it would happen.

HUMP DAY...

Nothing new for hump day... My temp stayed up however, my temp usually goes down on 13DPO which is today (according to FF) but according to the RE I am only 12DPO, so it could go down tomorrow. I am fully expecting that it will drop.

I have my appt with the RE tomorrow morning, will update when I return, but will not be around most of the weekend b/c we are going to the beach, AF should arrive Friday or Saturday, so unless we find a wireless connection I can not let you girls know what is going on, if AF does not arrive by some miracle, I will be driving home early, early monday morning to go in for my beta.

Symptoms, cramps still, no period pimple yet, constipated (weird), my teeth hurt and I am tired, normally tired especially since I am trying to get everything done so all I have to do is pack tomorrow. Nothing different going on really. I am just feeling like AF will be arriving this weekend.

Wish me luck at my appt and I will let you guys know how it goes.

Cramps are getting worst...

definately not happening this month. BLAH!

Not happening this month...

I had acupuncture today, I did ask her about Cold uterus, I described a few things and while she was not totally convinced that I had cold uterus, and had no major comment about the fluttering I experience. She decided she would treat me for cold uterus anyways, we did our normal after O pins and then she agve me what she called (I believe) a moxie treatment, where she took this cigar looking thing, heated it and then put it on the top of my pins on my stomach area and heated them. Let me tell you it warmed me from the inside out and it felt soooo good. She also took my pulse, alot of people beleive their pulse can tell you if you are pregnant, mine was weak. I could tell she was trying to make me feel a little hope that she could be wrong, but her guess was NOPE. She asked a few questions about my next cycle and we talked about me asking if I could take some DHEA. I plan to ask that at my Dr. Appt.

I had a weird day today... I am soo tired and just emotionally drained. I am started to feel my turn will never come. I hate giving 100% to something just to fail over and over again. It sucks.

On a up note a friend of mine got her BFP today, I do not want to mention her name b/c she has not annouced yet... but she reads my blog and some others who read my blog know her, CONGRATS *** I am so happy for you. But I am going to be honest (Sorry ***) when she emailed me to tell me she got a + test, my first thought was, "that is never going to happen for me", I wish I was not so negative. But I am just feeling down about the process...

As for symptoms, only mild cramps and some pulling and pinching, no sore boobs, no feeling sick, I am tired but I have not been sleeping to well, b/c I can not breathe, so I am up several times a night taking my inhaler.

IF sucks.

One more day till my RE appt, and knwoing the next steps, maybe that is what i need to get excited.

Booster shots stink

Normally since my trigger was over 2 weeks ago I would be able to test by now, but since I had those two extra booster shots, the last being on Friday. I have to wait until beta time, which should be Saturday but she told me I could come in Monday. Which is good b/c I am suppost to go away or bad because now I have to wait until the weekend is over, AF is suppost to arrive on Friday. I am thinking at this point it will. I guess all my hope went out the window, I do not think clomid was good for me, I am ready to start injectables, which on Thursday I have an appointment with the RE to discuss next steps. I wish I could test and see a accurate result by now, at least I would know what to expect. I think if my temp goes down tomorrow, that would be my clue. The waiting stinks and so does the booster trigger shot that makes me not be able to test early.

On another note, my symptoms are much different this cycle...

I have not had as many cramps, just pulling and pinching. No real AF cramps, I usually get a (what I call) a Period pimple 3-5 days prior to Af showing, I usually get it on my chin, but last cycle no pimple on my chin it showed up on the side of my nose (that gave me some hope last cycle), as of today nothing. I am tired, but it could be the heat, we turned our a/c off. Also I am having back pain, I get mild back pain throughout my cycle but this is different, I feel like I have a cramp. Even thought my progestrone levels made me so excited I am feeling they might not be high enough.

None of the usual symptoms of AF, or I just be making up these aches and pains in my head.

I have acupunture appt tomorrow and I am planning on asking her more about COLD UTERUS, b/c my belly (where my uterus is) is always cold, even when I am hot, but above my belly button is warm. I check several times a day, crazy i know. Plus the fluttering I get worries me AF is on it's way.

Like I said before not holding out much hope this cycle, b/c clomid did not work for me all the other cycles why would it work now.

I hate tripathic charts

I get one almost every cycle, it gets my HOPES up just to come crashing down. I hate it, if it all goes as usual, my temps should start to go down tomorrow. Will post more today, just had to get that out this morning... I HATE TRIPATHIC CHARTS, they are deceiving!

Here's mine
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/55726

Pink Rose Award

I like to Thank Andrea, from Bella and her Fella (see list at side for her blog link) for nominating me for the Pink Rose Award, I appreciate the nomination and her incredible support for me during me IF journey. Her comments have always been thoughtful and sincere. Thank you Andrea! Can't wait to read about your BFP in the future and Pray your FSH keeps going Down! You are a sweetie!

I would like to nominate a few ladies who have especially been there for me...

First: Amy (link to her BLOG in list - AMY's BLOG) who has always been there for me in the ups and downs, Amy and I have known each other through our ebay businesses and just became closer during the start of my infertility troubles. She has always listened to me complain (over PMing) and encouraged me along the way. I pray for her BFP to come soon too! I appreciate her friendship so much, and can not wait to meet her IRL.

Second: Shannon (link to her blog in list - Shannon's Blog) Shannon always has been a cheerleader for me, encouraging me to keep trucking along even though she herself is suffering through IF, I pray for Shannon everyday for her BFP and appreciate her advice. If anyone deserves to me a MOM it is Shannon, because she has been very motherly to alot of women on the Nest.

Third: Steph (alpacabunny - link to blog in list) who I believe has so much courage through this journey and has always supported others (myself included) even when things are not going the way she expected them to go for herself. I appreciate the support and love reading her blog, she definitely shows her real emotions and speaks her mind. Thank you Steph for sharing your story with us and always being there to offer advice and support.

I pray for Four of these ladies everyday (along with the other IFer blogs listed on the right, These four ladies have touched my life in so many ways.

Here's what to do:

1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: http://smartone.typepad.com/smartone/2008/05/pink-is-my-favo.html. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.
2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.
3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.