We have a sac!

The embro implanted in my uterus, Hooray! Plus there was a sac with a yolk in it, it was so tiny, but the u/s tech kept saying it was there. There was no fetal pole but the u/s tech kept telling me that this is what is to be expected. Now we go back next Tuesday to see if we can see a heartbeat. Praying for a heartbeat. I feel much better knowing it is not etopic. I do however have a huge cyst, that they plan to watch and hope goes away on it's own when expected. I feel alittle more relief knowing it is where it should be. The RE nurse was so nice and told me that after next week and we see a heartbeat (she sounded so sure about it) that they would send me off to my OB/GYN and expressed that she would miss me and she felt like I have been her daughter. It was sweet. Plus my Mom went with so she got to see how busy the office is and how nice everyone is. Even the grumpy u.s tech was nicer today. So I need to keep myself busy for the next week and pray for a heartbeat. Thank you for all the well wishes.

Ultrasound tomorrow

Please pray there is a baby and it is implanted in the correct spot. Maybe tomorrow this whole thing will actually hit me this is for real. I think I have been real guarded b/c I am afraid about the what ifs. Praying for everyone else too!

5 weeks

I am 5 weeks now and it is so hard not telling family. Somehow (my MOM) my grandmother found out. My Mom thinks she over heard her on the phone with me one day when I was having a nervous break down. I am having lots of pain on my right side, from my ovary area, terrifed but thinking it is a cyst. It gets worst as the days goes on and some morning I do not even feel it until I do alot of activity. Monday is the first u/s and I am counting down the mintues,

It is hard not to be worried, not only did my sister lose a baby this week but I also found out a friend of mine did too. It makes me sad that these things happen.

Sad to say...

My sister had a miscarriage and is getting a D & C tomorrow. It is sad. She seems to be OK, she says it was not meant to be. I on the other hand had a melt down b/c I am so scared this is going to happen to me. Please Pray.

Still in a worried state...

Sorry if you all think I am crazy. I feel truly blessed to be pregnant, but that alone does not ease my fears, after what is going on with my sister I am worried for myself, which I would have been anyways.

The thing that has me worried is that my ovary is so achy, pinching pain, and I am cramping all over sometimes then just on one side, the side where my only ovary is. Etopic IS my worst fear. Because of the fact that I only have one tube to begin with. I also sometime get back pain on one side then all over.

I called the RE (yes they will be glad when I graduate to the OB)
She said it is normal to cramp and for my ovary to be achy but if it is sever call them. She said because my ovary was stimulated by the follistim it has residual effects, it made me feel better until the next pain started. Also how do I know if it is severe. Monday could not come fast enough. We have a very busy weekend so hopefully that will keep my mind busy.

It will also be hard this weekend not to spill the beans,we have two family get togethers, my cousins birthday party and going away with my ILs. Last time we told everyone at 5 weeks then I had spotting at 7weeks and regretted it telling, even though it turned out fine. This time I want to wait until I see a heart beat, which I hope is sooner rather then later.

I was so tired today and of course DH did not help my nap, he kept trying to talk to me. I then got up later to make dinner (doing now) and I had slight chills, it is cold in my house. I feel achy and just run down, I do not remember any of this last time. I do remember feeling exhausted but the ovary achiness I do not remember.

Praying this turns out well.

Please Pray...

My Sister went for a u/s yesturday and they could not find the baby. She said the u/s tech kept asking her if she was sure she was pregnant, they told her to go get b/w and they would call her today. She is upset, which is understandable, but felt like crap that she was treated badly from the u/s tech. This would have been their first u/s at 10 weeks. Worried for her. My sister and I do have a weird relationship she drives me nuts, but I wish no ill will for her. I hope everything turns out OK and the u.s tech was just a complete idiot.

My FIL is very ill, he has cancer and needs a bone marrow transplant, we known for a while this is the third time he has gone through this, but his immune system is very very low and he is stuck in the house and is not allowed to be around Avery, which breaks his heart.

Me: I am completely full of anxiety, I am having pains on my right side which is where my only ovary is, I was told by some girls on the nest after being on injectables your ovary can be sore and achy for a while b/c of the follicles shrinking. I just pray it is not etopic, that is my worst fear b/c I only have one tube. I am just owrried b/c it is only on my right side, I feel nothing on my left, but there is nothing there. Anyone else experience this early on? I am feeling fine, tired but not too tired and I waiting for it to hit me, with my DD I was so exhausted I sleep after work for 5 hours eat then went back to sleep for my entire 1st trimester, I am just waiting for this to start b/c now I have a toodler to watch too. I ate saltines for breakfast, I do not have morning sickness, just am not hungry in the AM, at least nothing seems appealing. But I got to eat.

OK off to obsess more about my aches and pains and what they could mean.


*** Disclaimer*** I will worry about everything until I see a heartbeat! Just a warning.

BETA #2 IN!!!

It was 442!!! My P4 stayed the same. I go in next Monday for a u/s, she told me not to expect to see anything, like a heart beat, but they are just checking to make sure the baby implanted itself at the right place and that it is growing. Then I would come back in 10 days for another u/s. I can not believe this is happening!!

It took the nurse until 2:15 to call me, they always call between 1-1:30pm so I got a little worried and thought it was bad news b/c it took so long. When she told me the number I let out a huge sigh of relief. I know we are not in the clear yet, but I am hoping a praying for a healthy sticky little baby and a healthy pregnany. PLease ocntinue to pray for us. I appericate it more then anything.

I do not want to get too excited over this. But I am excited!!!! We plan to tell no one until we hear a heartbeat, my Mom, sister, Dad and Aunt all know. I am not sure how I will keep this a secret from the ILs b/c we are going to Hershey Park on Sunday with them, and I can not ride anything, well maybe the carosel. It is going to be hard to hide it.

Still in Shock...

All yesturday I would not allow DH to talk about it. I am afraid we are going to jinx it. I did tell my Mom who told me I had to tell my sister, she did not react. I felt for a few seconds yesturday after telling her that being pregnant with her is going to drive me crazy.

I cleaned all day yesturday (my house has not been scrubbed in a month) and tried to keep myself busy so I would not think about it. I have not visited one pregnancy forum, no SAIF no FF pregnancy site, even though they have invited me to join several times. I have to wait until the second beta to get truly excited. Don't get me wrong I am excited but keeping it contained until it feels real. I was so full of anxiety last night before bed I did not sleep well. I did take another HPT this morning, it was POSITIVE, so I felt better. It gave me some permission to go down in the basement and pull out my pregnancy books, Pregnany week by week and what to expect when your expecting. They are sitting out and I may read week 1-4 but nothing more. Being that I teach pregnancy for a living this might seem crazy but I like reading these books and it is a good refresher.

Please pray for my beta tomorrow to double, or triple. I want this so badly. I also have a counseling appt tomorrow b/c I made it for when AF arrived, my worst time of the month. I am not sure if I will go since my main problem was dpression b/c of another failed cycle. Also the time I am going is during the time the nurse will call with my beta. I am probably going to cancel.

Praying for higher numbers!

*** UPDATE*** finally posted on SAIF, I am totally scared for tomorrow!

Cautiously Optimistic

that is what the nurse said when she told me that I am PREGNANT!!!!

I was in shock, after the BFN on Tuesday I was sure it was negative. I am so glad I took my progesterone this morning b/c I thought about NOT taking it.

Beta was 99 (which the nurse said is good for 15 DPO) I must go back on Monday for another beta, PRAYING PRAYING PRAYING it doubles! or triples! I want this so badly, and to be honest it has not sunk in yet. My P4 was 32, which she said was great, and they want me to continue taking the progesterone. Which is OKAY with me, now that it has a purpose. I am so happy, scared and nervous all at once.

I think I am still in shock, I went out to get a test just so I could see it myself, and it still has not sunk in. Please pray for me!

OK talk me down.

The progesterone supps are making my chart look promising, but I know better. AF is due today but b/c of the supps it could be delayed until I go off them, which is tomorrow after my beta. Also my temps are going back up. That gave me a small glimmer of hope this morning. Then I had to slap some sense into myself. I have no cramps, just stomach pains and I am sooo tired. I wish these digusting little guys would not give me hope. Just looking at my chart I have to bring myself back to reality. BFN is a BFN.

Please talk me down about progesterone, remind me it does keep your temps high and AF away. Please remind me so I am not double crushed tomorrow after my beta comes back negative. Please.

I HATE THIS ROLLERCOASTER!

Do not feel like blogging.

The progesterone is making me so sleepy, all I wanted to do all day was sleep. Wish I could just get out of my misery and go off it. I really have nothing to say, I am sad, OK more then sad. I got myself CLAMS for dinner, maybe that would cheer me up. Prob not.

forward with the sucky cycle

I called the Re nurse this morning to tell her about this mornings BFN and ask if we can do the beta tomorrow so I can go off the progesterone supps b/c I do not want to delay AF ay further. Of course she said no that I could rebound (whatever - she was trying to give me HOPE) and still get a BFP. To wait it out. Then she apologized for torturing me. Which is exactly what it feels like Torture. So I guess I will follow her advice and continue with the progesterone supps that make me feel like crap and delay af farther.

Tested...

BFN. I am only 12 DPO but I am thinking it is correct b/c I did have those two extra booster shots. Also I am thinking I will call my Dr today to see if I can come in early for my beta and get off these progesterone supps. So Sad, but I should have known.

Also my temps went from 98.56 yesturday to 98.21 today, so they did go down, not by much but there you have it. A BUST.

Shopping Therapy...

Usually when I am upset or depressed shopping always brings me out of the funk. Not anymore. I went shopping today for a few things we needed and things we did not need and it did not make me feel any better like it used to. I think at this point the only thing that will sure me is being pregnant and knowing the baby is healthy, because that still worries me.

I am 11 DPO, nothing more to share, most my symptoms have left, I am crampy on and off but they are super mild and realize I probably only notice them b/c I am looking for them, my bbs are sore, but again probably only notice it b/c I am looking for it. I am tired but not as tired as I was over the weekend. My bloat has gone away. My temp is still up and if it will drop it will do it before Thursday, maybe it will trick me and stay high b/c of the progestrone supps. Now we just have to figure out how we will pay for next cycle.

Isn't that funny...

I was so exhausted yesterday, but when I went to bed I could not sleep. I was running through my head the rollercoaster that is called TTC. I thought about how I am going to handle it is this cycle is a bust, What my plans are if the cycle is a success. I finally had to tell myself to cut it out and go to sleep. 5 more days, until my beta. I am not feeling hopeful, b/c I think all my symptoms are progestrone supps related. I do not want to get excited over the symptoms progestrone supps have given me.


“But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3

OK I am going to admit it...

All the secondary IF blogs I read, all of them are doing IVF. I realize some had primary IF and some have different partners. It makes me nervous for myself. I know IVF was never brought up to us, but are WE heading in that direction. B/c if it is brought up DH is going to shoot it down, like in a mintue and it makes me so nervous to see ladies who have lovely little kids, trying for #2 and having to resort to IVF. It makes me sad for them and scared for me.

I was cruising secondary IF blods on teh Stirrup Queens Blog and noticed this tread. So it got me thinking. Sorry if I upset anyone, I am just afraid we will head that way and be screwed.

ALL GONE

All false hope is now GONE. I have nothing I am feeling anymore. No bloat, no cramps, no sore bbs like before, just tired, which I am thinking is from the progestrone supps. I am in a grumpy mood and to do want to be around anyone. I do still have a nagging headache. This week is going to be the S-L-O-W-E-S-T ever.

I can not even POAS b/c it will be positive no matter what, I took my last HSG booster on thursday.

I have cried most the monring and just feel plain BLAH, I am so full of anxiety and feel sick from it.

I want to be pregnant so badly. Sorry just had to get that out, I am NOT having a good day. I am starting to worry how my depression is going to effect DD, but I do not know how to feel otherwise.

FALSE HOPE

I think the progestrone supps are giving me false hope.

I made it!

I got through work today without shedding a tear, new record. I have cried everyday at work this week. I guess I am feeling a little hopeful (oops Did I say that). I do not think "this is it" but I find myself dreaming about what if this is it? One more week to go. Praying for a BFP or not a delayed cycle. Hoping this next week goes fast.

It seems this is how my cycle goes. Bitter,angry and depressed until the last week of the 2ww, then I have slight hopefulness. Remember I said slight, I do not want to be crushed.

The progesterone has now made me constipated, I am have mild cramps and a headache. I believe they are all from the progesterone supps. Anyone else have major symptoms on progesterone supps, what were they?

DR. Called !!!!!!

Finally good news!

P4 27 - up from 16.7
E2 142 - up from 87

Just three days ago! WOW! I am shocked! They still want me to do another HCG shot tonight and my Beta is Friday. Staying on Progestrone till then. Fingers crossed, I am not expecting much, but now I feel much better about this cycle.

The weirdness that is my life.

I have a hard time imagining what it would be like when I see those 2 lines. I can not imagine what it will be like to by maternity clothes for myself and new baby things. It is hard for me to think about this things, b/c in a way I am scared this may never happen for us.

The on the other hand, I have so many plans for when we are finally pregnant. I have planned what furniture I will buy DD for her BIG GIRL room, I know how I plan to set up the new baby room. I have plans on where all the stuff I have stored in the 3rd bedroom will go. I also have planned that as soon as I hit my 2nd trimester I would like to take DD to Disney World. Which if I am pregnant this cycle (doubt it highly) I would hit my 2nd trimester after Christmas and be able to travel and we could take her there for her Birthday. I have plans on what I will do with all the money we saved up for medical treatment for the next cycle. I have so many plans, but even though I have all those plans, I can not imagine it actually happening.


I want to be happy again, I want to be excited for people I want to keep planning for when it is my turn, but I know if I start doing this I will just be crushed at the end. IF sucks, I hate that good women have to live this everyday.

I talked to a lady at the RE's office today, we were sitting in the waiting area and she was telling the RE nurse that the only reason she can pay for treatment is b/c of her husbands ebay business, I turned to her and told her me too. We have no IF coverage and if it was not for the ebay sales I would have nothing to pay for my meds and appointments, nothing. I do not make much and we are stretching ourselves thin but at least I have some extra money to get through it. We bonded over how it was unfair IF is not covered. She was going through IVF. I felt sad after that conversation, why do people who want children so badly have to work so hard to get it. It is not fair. All this is not fair.

I am waiting for my P4 and E2 levels from the nurse. Hoping for good numbers but I am not too optimistic.

Progestrone is killing me.

I normally get 2WW phantom symptoms, but being on Progesterone suppositories makes those phantom symptoms 10 times worst. I have sore BBs, ever get this during the 2WW only can feel the soreness when I touch them, but this cycle, just walking they hurt. I have a lot more cramping then normal. I am sooo tired, I am normally tired by nature (I am normally constantly on the go) but this time the tiredness is occupied by no motivation. NONE. I am so behind in everything. The only thing I DO NOT have is the constipation, which makes me think I am right about this cycle being a bust. I also am getting waves of naseous which is NOT normal for me, but again could be the progestrone.

Tomorrow is my 7DPO b/w and hoping for my E2 to go up, actually I am hoping my P4 goes up too. I am actually nervous for the results.

On a positive note, my urea plasma test came back negative, I was relieved but then also felt like it that was a problem we could fix it. But now I will not have to take antibiotics.

Well off to put all this NO MOTIVATION to good use.

PREGNANCY EVERWHERE

Everywhere I go there are pregnant bellies. It is not bad enough that I go to work and see several teenage pregnant bellies and then see my family's pregnant bellies, but now I can not go shopping or to the gas station without seeing pregnant bellies. It is just plain depressing.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen

Progestrone and other craziness...

Today was Avery's first day of preschool, she had so much fun and did not cry when I left, so independent. Will post pics later.

Progestrone / Estrogen b/w today at 4DPO, now I know it is early and I have time, but I was NOT happy. My P4 was 16.7 and my E2 was 87 (needs to be over 100), Is there a chance to bring this up? I have more b/w on 7DPO which is Thusrday. I also have to do my 2nd HCG shot tonight and since no one is around to do it besides my sister (who I do not want to see right now) I will be doing it on my own, wish me luck, it is a butt shot, so this should be good.

I also made a counselor appt, for after my period is due, since that is my hardest time during my cycle.

I just feel BLAH today. Wish this all was easier.


**** UPDATE: I did my HCG shot myself and it was not as bad I a thought it would be, it was actually empowering!

I have been TAGGED

I have been tagged by two wonderful nesties, TARAH and ANDREA (Bella and her Fella) both their blogs are listed in my BLOG. Praying for both, Tarah and Andrea in their TTC journey! (sorry guys I do not know how to link)

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

RULES TO BLOG: NONE, Be open and honest.

6 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME:

1. I met my DH when I was 14, we dated for 6 months, lost touch and then ended up dating again when I was 18, we have been together for almost 11 years.

2. I used to own a Gourmet Dog Treat Business, which ended about a year ago, we did alot of craft shows and fundraisers.

3. I can go 3 weeks wihtout doing wash for myself.

4. I hate to cook, but love to eat. I could probably eat out everday, I am lucky if I eat out every month.

5. I collect Willow Tree Angels, I have just about all of them.

6. My biggest fear in life is that I will never be able to complete my family.

I TAG (again do not know how to link)
1. AMY (amy's Blog)
2. Shannon (Shannon's Blog)
3. Lisa (Trying to have a Baby)

OK, just realized...

Today I did not cry, well not yet. I have cried everyday for the last two weeks. Today I was sad, but not as sad as before. Not sure why. I think now that my injections are over and we have had all the sex we needed to, it is now out of my control. I always hated the days leading up to O, while the 2WW is not my favorite (usually goes so slow) I always feel little better during the 2WW. Maybe it is b/c I could be pregnant. Now do not start thinking, WOW she has turned a new leaf. I have not, I am still sad, depressed and just plain tired of this rollercoaster. And HOPE has not settled in yet, I am still feeling this crappy cycle will end up like all the others, in a BFN.

On another note, paper is done, Just need to proofread and print out, which I will do tomorrow b/c I cannot look at it anymore today. It is a sucky paper, to go along with my sucky rollercoaster life.

LAZY SUNDAY

Well not really.

I did get all my articles read yesterday, so all I HAVE to do it write the paper, which hopefully comes easy, b/c as of right now I do not have a clue. Got 1/2 my housework done hoping to finish today.

Progesterone is going better, still very messy, but I have been lying down longer in hopes most of it stays in and not leak out. I did however yesterday after taking it in the morning, about a hour later have a wave of nausea and felt like I was going to faint. It was horrible. Hoping not to repeat that today. I have my first set of b/w tomorrow and will more then likely get my second HCG shot tomorrow night.

This morning while laying in bed I was thinking about the next cycle already. I tried so hard to move those thoughts out of my mind but they kept coming back. I want them to up my dose next cycle. Hopefully they will. I realize they told me that they were wanting one great follie and I still have a chance but in reality I am not feeling it at all. I do not think I am pregnant. I wish I was, but feel nothing that makes me have a glimmer of hope, and yes I know it is early.

Well I am going to keep myself occupied by doing my school work and house work and pray this nightmare ends soon.

This is what I get...

I have a million things to do this weekend, I wanted to do them last weekend, but I was too depressed. Now I have not choice, I have to get my fat ass off the computer all day long and get something done.

My house looks like a tornado hit it (ok maybe a tornado did hit it - named Avery) so I have to straighten my house. I have three weeks worth of wash to do for myself, thank goodness I have so many clothes I was OK with clothes for the last three week, but now I need to wash the clothes.

I also have two small books to read and write a 4 page paper for school. I had two weeks to do this, but kept pushing it off, now it is due on Tuesday, I can not put it off anymore. I have 2-4 page papers due every week until after thanksgiving. Did I mention I hate school?

So off to get something done, hoping I can do it. I need to do it.

I started my progestrone supps last night, not fun. The first one I could not get in, not sure why, but it hurt pushing it up. I do not think it went 1/2 way in, and it is messy. I did the other this morning and I had a better time. Hoping the rest og this way. I feel so gross b/c they leak like crazy, yuck.

COUNT IS ON!

I read 27 Infertility Blogs daily (on my list) and out of those 27, 10 are pregnant (who were not when I started reading them) So that is 17 more to go. Come on ladies get that BFP. I want to some day be reading only pregnancy blogs, not IF blogs from my favorite ladies. Also I want to turn my BLOG into a pregnancy blog too.

Not writing off just yet...

I spoke to the nurse today, my b/w from yesturday said I was about to O but not there yet. So I must have Oed last night, which would have been good, we got three nights in a row in for sex. DH came home today and asked if he was on duty tonight. At least he is interested in this baby making even if he does not want to spend the money.

I also asked the RE nurse (this nurse I feel more comfortable with - not sure why, she just always seemed geniune) her professional opinion on how I responded this cycle, she admitted she was disappointed, b/c of my E2 level at trigger time, she would have liked to see my level be higher so then my lining wouold have been better. She told me not to write it off just yet, b/c we are adding the progestrone supplements this cycle and we will see where we stand on Monday with my b/w. But she did add, we will re-evaluate for next cycle. Which ahd me think maybe we should write off this cycle as already failed. I want to have HOPE so badly. Please let this happen for us, I need this to happen for us.

On another note, I mad ethe step to call a counselor b/c I have not been handling the last three weeks very well. I left a message to see if they deal with IF issues, if not I will call another. Not sure where I will fit this into my schedule or even if I will follow through and actually go, but at least I called.

Starting to unravel...

I have been praying for months for GOD to show me the way, to give me strength, to give me a sign of what path I am to choose. I feel with all this praying, hoping, praying and hoping, I feel exactly the same as I did before. I do not feel peace or stronger or anything, I just feel defeated and abandoned.

Everyone says, pray harder, GOD will come through. WHEN????? Because for months I have praying everynight, every morning and sometimes several times a day. I am losing faith. Losing faith in GOD, losing faith in myself and losing faith in the DRs.

I realize you must be laughing at me, b/c according to everyone in my life the cycle is not over until AF arrives. But I feel like this has been my worst cycle by far on medication that was suppost to give me better results. I also believe I Oed yesturday (rather then today - like the DR expected) I did call them b/c this happened last cycle but now it happened again. Why am I Oing 24 hours after my trigger shot? This is only according to my temps, which I realize comes with human error, but I take my temp everyday at the same time with the same amount of sleep, where is the error? They had me come in for b/w, which may have been pointless, b/c if I did O today I would have this morning and regardless the test is going to say I Oed, unless they know something I am not aware of.

So now I wait, wait for the b/w to get back (which they said might not be until tomorrow) 2ww is here and we are doing the pineapple this cycle (I rebelled last cycle) and going to acupuncture (for my last treatment) during implantation time. I am moving along even though this whole cycle was pointless and I wasted a whole shit load of money. I just want to SCREAM.

Can it get any better???

I know I have been less then positive about this cycle, to say the least. Maybe it is because of all the crap I am dealing with in my life, I am not sure. I thought injectables would be our ticket to success. Now I am not feeling that way at all. Besides only one follie and low estrogen, I find out today that my DR does want me to start the progestrone supplements on Friday (which I thought I was anyways) because my lining was only a 7. My lining was only a 7 on my clomid cycles too. So now I am thinking I wasted my money on this cycle, I could have just done Clomid and saved myself the money and got the same results. It sucks.

I also am dreading the school year starting, I Offically start seeing my cleints next week. I am a counselor for pregnant / parenting teens. I love my job but lately it has been harder and harder to go to. I am thinking of quitting, which will put all my plans (masters degree and all) pointless. I am not sure what I am qualified for besides working with children, that is where all my experience is. I am stuck. If I quit and end up pregnant I might regret it, but if I stay is it emotionally OK for me. So far it is fine, but I can forsee this going any farther I may have to give up something, like my job.

Craptastic Appt...

Well alittle bit.

I was tested for ureaplasma, b/c I had it in 2004, so they did a culture just in case. Cyst is tiny as tiny can be and I only had 1 mature follie and one that is sort of mature. I was to say the least disappointed. Where did the other one go? Out the window just like my hopes and dreams.

The nurse told me they are glad with the progress of the one lonely follie, it measured 19mm. I on the other hand as not pleased, I guess I my mind more then one gives me a higher chance of one sticking. I cried in the car afterwards... We are trigging tonight, CD11 so I will O on CD13 (earliest ever) and will go back Monday for b/w to see if I need the HCG, but I will ask to take it regardless (I need all the push I can get) and start my progestrone supplements on Friday, twice a day. Fingers crossed... The nurse did tell me that my estrogen is only at 176, it has to be between 175-200 that also did not make me feel any better, I wish it was 200, that would make me feel better.

Now I know why I was not bloated at all this cycle, I kept thinking to myself this weekend, "if I have three follies shouldn't I be more bloated" That solved that, only one decided to mature. So disppointed.
So we will see how this goes. I am hoping that after O I will feel better about the situation. But right now I just want to go to bed and cry myself to sleep.

I can not sleep...

I went to bed 2 hours ago and have been up ten times. I just can not settle my brain. All I can think about if what if this cycle does not work. Am I going to have enough energy to do this over again? And Again and Again. I have a follie check tomorrow and keep telling myself that things will work out, soon it will be my turn. I am not completely sure if I believe that, but I will keep saying it.

We had dinner at the ILs tonight. Since they know nothing about our IF, I had to leave the table in the middle of dinner to go give myself a shot in the bathroom. It took forever b/c I ran out of meds and had to switch vials. It sucked to stick myself twice which by the way is getting harder to do. My stomach is not bruised but very sore. My MIL talked me into going to the baby shower for Dh's Cousin, I do not want to go, but we have a family thing on my side that day, so maybe I will go just to avoid my sister. Still do not know what I will say when I see her. I feel so badly I am angry about this, but I am.

I am hoping after I finally O I will start to have a little HOPE, all this stress can not be good for my body. I know this, but I do not know how to control it, I AM STRESSED, SAD and just plain DEPRESSED.

I have to keep telling myself this worked once it will work again, Right?

So much has been taken from us.

As IFers our Journey is different from most people. I feel during this process a lot has been taken away from me.

1. I can not have spontenous sex with my DH, it is all planned.
2. Everyone knows my cycle, there will never be a surprise "I am pregnant announcement"
3. I plan my life around DR appts
4. I plan my budget around payng for medications
5. I can not be happy for others who annouce their pregnancy (usually this is for non IFers)
6. I am starting to HATE my job, a job in which I thought I would retire at.
7. I look at my daughter with pity, that she will never be able to have a sibling relationship. (even if she does end up hating her sibling).
8. I have cancelled things in my life just to get by whether it be for emotional reasons or just because I have to be at the DR at a certain time.
9. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore, I used to have everything laid out.
10. Watching others struggle and lose babies makes me even more scared to continue with this journey.

Sorry to be so whinny lately, I hate myself for being such a complainer.