Grateful

I am so grateful for so many things in my life, but when I am down like I have been for the last week, it is harder and harder to get that sense of gratefulness back.

I love my Daughter (sometimes more then my DH - SHHHHH!) I can not see life without her. She is a miracle baby to me. Even though we were always told we would not conceive without medical help b/c of my condition and past history, we were able to. I remember having the appt with the RE and calling to cancel b/c I got a positive pregnancy test. Relief in so many ways. Throughtout my pregnancy I did not complain once, not once! I was so grateful to have that baby. I did not care how I looked or felt I was just gushing.

The day she was born (bad labor story - will tell at sometime later) all the pain was worth it, at the moment they laid her on me, I was instantly in LOVE. I was on such a HIGH, I knew at that moment what my purpose in life was, it was to be her Mother, I have always wanted 3 children and now am afraid Avery will be my only one. That thought is so heartbreaking.

Avery told me yesturday out of the blue (remember she is 2 1/2) that I am her best friend, while that made me so happy to hear it also broken my heart. Is that how it is going to be the rest of my life, just her and I.

I told my Mom I had such confidence in these treatment, before this cycle, and for some reason that has all followen apart, maybe b/c we are getting closer to no more options, at least when I was on clomid I knew if it did not work we would move to injectables, but what is next? For us (according to DH) nothing, b/c he does not want to do IVF.

Maybe I feel this way b/c I have had a horrible past week. I need to get that HOPE back, I can still be guarded just want some HOPE.

I have read so many books out there about Secondary Infertility and they say women who have a positive experience with parenting take this struggle even harder. That is me. I love to parent.

Let me also say I am not jealous of people having #1 especially if it was a struggle for them. I am actually excited for them, my hairdresser just told me she is TTCing and I was excited for her. When people anncounce #2 that is where I get upset, with why can't that be me. Also having two fmaily members pregnant with #2 now does not help my sanity.

So back to topic, I am grateful to have my Daughter and feel so lucky to be her Mom. She is the greatest kid in the world.

I need to get out of this FUNK.

Because I feel like I am living in a dase and am not able to accomplish anything...

Dh and I went to dinner last night - alone. His parents gave us money for our anniversary and we figured we better use it on dinner rather then bills (IL know nothing about IF issues) At dinner DH and I had a long talk about things we want. We have had these talks before but this time it felt like it was more like dreams then it will actually happen. Before our IF issues Dh always wanted to Build a house. He has talked about this for a while, but financially we were not in a place to do it. We sold our last tiny house and bought the house we are currently in b/c it was slightly bigger and we could afford it. Ever since he still talks about building soon. Well in order to build we have a few bills to pay off, I have a nice little ebay business going and make good money (at least for me) normally all that money goes towards things we need that just come up (this month it was the $500 I had to pay to fix my car) and paying down debt. Well then IF started and now all my ebay money goes towards the medication, it actually sucks to be giving out your debit card number to the pharmacy so you can pay for your meds. I actually had a slight nervous break down after I got off the phone after I paid for the meds b/c we could have used that money for so much more. I feel like b/c we are completely Out of Pocket I should just flush the money down the toilet with every failed cycle. Because that is exactly what this is like. I feel like I have wasted so much money on our failed cycles. It sucks, if money was not the issue I guess I would feel better. Back to Topic, so after our discussion last night of BABY, Pay down DEBT and start looking for Land, I felt like I am crushing DH's dream of building. I realize it is just a house and a baby is more important (at least to me) I was a little sad. I started with the what ifs again, what if in the end of all this we still come up empty handed and just have more debt to deal with. I hate this feeling. I want so badly to take my Daughter to Disney b/c she would freak to see those Princesses and I just want to see her face light up. Our life is on hold. That is how I feel. I can not plan or spend money on anything b/c we may need it, for IF treatments. LIMBO SUCKS. I just want to move on with my life and start making plans again.

I woke up this morning, not wanting to get out of bed, just with this huge sense of sadness. If this does not work out, we will just be left with a pile of debt and no baby. I am afraid I will be bitter forever. I thought as soon as I got the good news my tube was open I would feel better but I don't.

I have been asking GOD for a sign for weeks. Just tell me what I am suppost to do. I always said that is my sister would get pregnant first I would stop because I do not want my Mom to watch two infants at once. This was Before IF treatments started. feel like I can not stop the rollercoaster ride, but when is it enough.

Now there were a few things that happened this week that has me confused...

Are these my signs?

Signs to stop TTCing
1. Sister got pregnant
2. nervous break down about paying for meds (after I paid I felt like I made a huge mistake - asked my Mom is I made the right decision - of course she said yes)
3. Not sure HOW we are going to pay for our next round.
4. Cyst showing up (could have cancelled the cycle myself)
5. overwhelming sense of this will not happen for us
6. found out about abnormal pap smear from MAY
7. got this guardian angel necklace at the beach last weekend (was expensive) got home and the chain is broken.

Signs to keep going
1. Tube is open
2. HSG increases your chances
3. On new protocol
4. cyst did shrink
5. everyone in my life has HOPE for me (even my DR)except myself.

I hate not having control over this, it is truly a waiting game. I hate waiting and think many of us have waiting long enough.

When my MOM told me about my sister I immediately wanted to not move to the next step and take some time off (even though the DR says I do not have time) my MOM made me swear to keep going and why they did not tell me right away is because they thought I would stop. I feel so guilty about the possibility my MOM may have to watch two babies plus my nephew and my DD. Then on the other hand I am so sad that this might NOT happen for us.

In a way I think if we did not try to get pregnant and it failed I would feel better about the BFN - because we were not truly trying - while since we are giving 100% to this process when the BFN comes it hits me harder.

Sorry so long, I just feel so sad and can not seem to let it go. I need to let it go, I am living in a state of anxiety

1st follie check... and cyst check :(

I had my first follie check this morning, I am only on cd7 so it is very early, but she wanted to get me in before the holiday weekend and check that cyst. Well the cyst got smaller, and they said may get smaller yet. Thank goodness - I really thought this cycle would be cancelled. I also had 3 follies, they were small but there and she expressed there maybe more my Tuesday, (THUMP) I almost feel over. I would like 4 but nothing more. My family insists I will have twins, me not so much. I know they will scale my meds back if I get too many follies. I hate that people think fertility meds = twins. Maybe I will do a list of my pet peeves eventually. I have a few - HA!

I am feeling better this morning, maybe b/c it was the good news I received in the last two days. I still do not know what I will say to my sister when I see her, but we will get through it. I do not think people realize how much this all hurts. It actually stings alot. The nurse told me she felt good things for me, everyone has been saying that. I feel like they say it just to make me feel better, but I do appericate it. I just do not want to get my hopes up, guess I have turned very guarded through this and as time progressives. I hate the ups and downs of things, I wish I was more positive, maybe I will get there. I think I am really positive after I leave the DR office, then it all falls apart within a hour. Maybe they will allow me to move into the Dr office?

I am also thinking of stopping acupuncture. It does relax me and seems to have kept my headaches at bay, but it is getting way too expensive, especially since I just paid 700.00 for meds this cycle. I think I rather go get a massage twice a month and I would still pay less. I will decide by Tuesday what my plan is. I feel badly b/c she has helped me, but it is just getting too pricy. If I get BFN this cycle and did not do the acupuncture I will feel badly, they say after 3-6 months if it does not work for you (meaning BFP) then it probably will not, I am on month 6 now with her. I am so confused.

How does everyone else stay positiive?

HSG update...

This morning was hell. I did not sleep at all and was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up. They told me to eat breakfast, that did not happen b/c just the thought of it made me want to poke. I took my 4 advil and hurried to the hosptial. My Mom went with b/c she insisted. After I checked in I thought I was about to burst into tears any second. I held it together, thank goodness. I was not nervous about the actual procedure but the actual outcome.

They took me back and did their thing, the nurse who was there asked me about DD and it ended up we gave birth on the same day, when the DR came in she told him and he said, well we are hoping to repeat that soon.

He put the stuff inside me, cleaned my cervix, sorry if TMI and put in the catherter, it did not hurt just alittle uncomfortable, then they asked me to put my legs down (what?) that was so weird. When he put in the contrast I watched the screen but of course had no clue what I was looking at. I had alot of crmaping and pressure, the nurse kept telling to to breath deep right through it. When it was over, he went over my results, b/c at this point I am freaking b/c I have no clue what anything was on the screen.

DR told me that my tube is not blocked (hooray!) but my tube is kind of funky shaped. My uterus is bowed at the top, which he does not forsee as a problem, but the funky tube might be. He said we will do 3 injectable cycles with TI and then if I am not pregnant do a LAP on the tube, so maybe he can straighten it out. My tube is like a L, but should be like a J. If you can see what I mean.

He also added after all this, that he thinks I will be pregnant in the next 3 cycle maybe even this cycle. How can he be so optimistic? I wish I was more optmistic. I just felt like this is one more hurdle I have to worry about. I hate that feeling.

I hope he is right, I want a baby so badly. Afterwards I cried in the bathroom with my MOM, I am so scared this is not going to work and I will need surgery. I just can not get my hopes up to have them crushed, which is what has happened the last few cycles.

I hate that I am so bitter but I am. DH and I had a fight last night about the what ifs, and if IVF comes to be our future what would we do and he is staying on his NO WAY NOT DOING IT WE DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY routine. Which upsets me. I know he is supportive of all this but is tired that I am so upset all the time and that I feel if DD is our only child it will feel like the end of the world for me.

I know what you are thinking I should be happy! NO BLOCKED TUBES, but all I feel is saddness and stress.

Oh and today is our 4th anniversary and I do not feel celebrating, I am so emotionally drained.

Meds arrived...

Well went I for a baseline u/s and I found out I had a cyst. Thought for sure the cycle would be cancelled and I sat in the waiting room for the nburse to call me back to the office in almost tears. I held it together, thank goodness. Well the good news is they are letting me proceed, b/c the cyst was only a 16 (needs to be 20 or higher to be cancelled)whatever a 16 means.

I start my follistim tomorrow, bad news is if the cyst is still there on friday and gets any bigger, the cycle will be cancelled. Even though I start the shots. HSG still scheduled for thursday and next week I need tog et another PAP smear, b/c my one in May came back abnormal. I was never told. I was so upset. So the nurse plans to talk to my OB/GYN (who I love just alittle upset with now) and see if they shoudl repeat it next week or wait the 6 months, which would bring me to Nov. They also want to retest me for ureaplasma, b/c I tested positive for that back in 2004 and both Dh and I were treated. This is all before I got pregnant with DD. I am praying for clear tubes and a cyst that will go away!

I also got a invite for a baby shower today for Dh's cousin, who we did not know was even pregnant. I do not want to go especially since it is when Af is due this cycle. I need to find an excuse.

UPDATE...

Well AF came 1 hour after I posted. I cried, of course I knew it was coming but kowing I was NOT pregnant really upset me.

Is this ever going to happen for me?

So this week I will be starting my follistim, on wednesday. I have my baseline tomorrow and my HSG on thursday (my anniversary) which if it comes back bad I guess we will be staying home from dinner. Then my first follie check on friday, b/c of the holiday weekend.

I just want to be pregnant already, I hate this rollercoaster. I am praying my tube is open, totally feel sick over it, b/c that will make or break us at this point.

So life is just BLAH.

greetings from the beach!

No AF yet, I am offically 16 DPO, MOnday is my beta, feeling nothing that says pregnant, feeling lots that says AF is coming, my temp dropped and stayed the same for the last three days, however it is still higher then normal, but with a huge temp drop like that it seems AF is coming, I know as sson as I log off AF will be here, that is always how it works. If you want to see my chart, scroll down to another post and you can cut and paste, sory can not get it up now on this computer connection. Glad I got the check in with my chicas, fingers crossed,but I feel like I already know what the oputcome is going to be. Intution I guess.

Hope everyone is doing well, can not wait to read all the updates from everyone! Will post when I return.

Update on appt...

Well it went well, I told him about my temp drop and of course he said "well you never know it might go up tomorrow" nice of you to say but nope once it drops Af comes within 25-48 hours.

I will be starting Follistim and doing HCG shots (trigger and boosters) and progestrone. Maybe this will be my magic combo.

He also wants me to do a HSG. he said he did not see a need for it but for peace of mind for me and him to know it is clear, they will do one, now this is going to be a struggle b/c the time frame in which they would do this will fall on labor day weekend. we were suppost to go away but DH has to work now and I was going to go alone but decided I would stay close, since I am starting a new drug and need to stay close to the DR just in case something happens. I am praying we can get this in and everything gopes smoothly. I thought I was going to cry a few times during my appt. but I held it together, when i was waiting for the DR to come in the room, I kept thinking I can not beleive it came to this.

He also told me in his experience and with my history he thinks my chances of conceiving with 3 months on jusy follistim and TI are 50% to 70%. he also asked how I feel about twins, I told him I was fine with it, he said that will determine how agressive they go, they try to keep it in the singleton range but if I do have 3 follies (by chance) and I am OK with twins they would not cancel the cycle, however it I had 4 or more follies they would cancel. They montior more often in my cycle on follistim and will be making sure multiples are a slim chance (if we got twins I would be fine - actually happy).

So there you are, my next cycle plan. Praying my tube is open and the follistim works and everything goes well. I just want this to work. I want to hold a healthy baby in my arms and feel the baby kicking inside me. I dream of Avery holding her younger sibling, I HOPE this works for us, b/c if it doesn't I do not know how I am going to handle it.

Well I will not be back on until Monday, for we are going away this weekend. I may try to get near a wireless comnnection to update on when AF arrives.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend.

temp drop

yep, I predicted, it happened. This morning huge drop. Af will be arriving. Guess I should not be sad, b/c I knew it would happen.

HUMP DAY...

Nothing new for hump day... My temp stayed up however, my temp usually goes down on 13DPO which is today (according to FF) but according to the RE I am only 12DPO, so it could go down tomorrow. I am fully expecting that it will drop.

I have my appt with the RE tomorrow morning, will update when I return, but will not be around most of the weekend b/c we are going to the beach, AF should arrive Friday or Saturday, so unless we find a wireless connection I can not let you girls know what is going on, if AF does not arrive by some miracle, I will be driving home early, early monday morning to go in for my beta.

Symptoms, cramps still, no period pimple yet, constipated (weird), my teeth hurt and I am tired, normally tired especially since I am trying to get everything done so all I have to do is pack tomorrow. Nothing different going on really. I am just feeling like AF will be arriving this weekend.

Wish me luck at my appt and I will let you guys know how it goes.

Cramps are getting worst...

definately not happening this month. BLAH!

Not happening this month...

I had acupuncture today, I did ask her about Cold uterus, I described a few things and while she was not totally convinced that I had cold uterus, and had no major comment about the fluttering I experience. She decided she would treat me for cold uterus anyways, we did our normal after O pins and then she agve me what she called (I believe) a moxie treatment, where she took this cigar looking thing, heated it and then put it on the top of my pins on my stomach area and heated them. Let me tell you it warmed me from the inside out and it felt soooo good. She also took my pulse, alot of people beleive their pulse can tell you if you are pregnant, mine was weak. I could tell she was trying to make me feel a little hope that she could be wrong, but her guess was NOPE. She asked a few questions about my next cycle and we talked about me asking if I could take some DHEA. I plan to ask that at my Dr. Appt.

I had a weird day today... I am soo tired and just emotionally drained. I am started to feel my turn will never come. I hate giving 100% to something just to fail over and over again. It sucks.

On a up note a friend of mine got her BFP today, I do not want to mention her name b/c she has not annouced yet... but she reads my blog and some others who read my blog know her, CONGRATS *** I am so happy for you. But I am going to be honest (Sorry ***) when she emailed me to tell me she got a + test, my first thought was, "that is never going to happen for me", I wish I was not so negative. But I am just feeling down about the process...

As for symptoms, only mild cramps and some pulling and pinching, no sore boobs, no feeling sick, I am tired but I have not been sleeping to well, b/c I can not breathe, so I am up several times a night taking my inhaler.

IF sucks.

One more day till my RE appt, and knwoing the next steps, maybe that is what i need to get excited.

Booster shots stink

Normally since my trigger was over 2 weeks ago I would be able to test by now, but since I had those two extra booster shots, the last being on Friday. I have to wait until beta time, which should be Saturday but she told me I could come in Monday. Which is good b/c I am suppost to go away or bad because now I have to wait until the weekend is over, AF is suppost to arrive on Friday. I am thinking at this point it will. I guess all my hope went out the window, I do not think clomid was good for me, I am ready to start injectables, which on Thursday I have an appointment with the RE to discuss next steps. I wish I could test and see a accurate result by now, at least I would know what to expect. I think if my temp goes down tomorrow, that would be my clue. The waiting stinks and so does the booster trigger shot that makes me not be able to test early.

On another note, my symptoms are much different this cycle...

I have not had as many cramps, just pulling and pinching. No real AF cramps, I usually get a (what I call) a Period pimple 3-5 days prior to Af showing, I usually get it on my chin, but last cycle no pimple on my chin it showed up on the side of my nose (that gave me some hope last cycle), as of today nothing. I am tired, but it could be the heat, we turned our a/c off. Also I am having back pain, I get mild back pain throughout my cycle but this is different, I feel like I have a cramp. Even thought my progestrone levels made me so excited I am feeling they might not be high enough.

None of the usual symptoms of AF, or I just be making up these aches and pains in my head.

I have acupunture appt tomorrow and I am planning on asking her more about COLD UTERUS, b/c my belly (where my uterus is) is always cold, even when I am hot, but above my belly button is warm. I check several times a day, crazy i know. Plus the fluttering I get worries me AF is on it's way.

Like I said before not holding out much hope this cycle, b/c clomid did not work for me all the other cycles why would it work now.

I hate tripathic charts

I get one almost every cycle, it gets my HOPES up just to come crashing down. I hate it, if it all goes as usual, my temps should start to go down tomorrow. Will post more today, just had to get that out this morning... I HATE TRIPATHIC CHARTS, they are deceiving!

Here's mine
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/55726

Pink Rose Award

I like to Thank Andrea, from Bella and her Fella (see list at side for her blog link) for nominating me for the Pink Rose Award, I appreciate the nomination and her incredible support for me during me IF journey. Her comments have always been thoughtful and sincere. Thank you Andrea! Can't wait to read about your BFP in the future and Pray your FSH keeps going Down! You are a sweetie!

I would like to nominate a few ladies who have especially been there for me...

First: Amy (link to her BLOG in list - AMY's BLOG) who has always been there for me in the ups and downs, Amy and I have known each other through our ebay businesses and just became closer during the start of my infertility troubles. She has always listened to me complain (over PMing) and encouraged me along the way. I pray for her BFP to come soon too! I appreciate her friendship so much, and can not wait to meet her IRL.

Second: Shannon (link to her blog in list - Shannon's Blog) Shannon always has been a cheerleader for me, encouraging me to keep trucking along even though she herself is suffering through IF, I pray for Shannon everyday for her BFP and appreciate her advice. If anyone deserves to me a MOM it is Shannon, because she has been very motherly to alot of women on the Nest.

Third: Steph (alpacabunny - link to blog in list) who I believe has so much courage through this journey and has always supported others (myself included) even when things are not going the way she expected them to go for herself. I appreciate the support and love reading her blog, she definitely shows her real emotions and speaks her mind. Thank you Steph for sharing your story with us and always being there to offer advice and support.

I pray for Four of these ladies everyday (along with the other IFer blogs listed on the right, These four ladies have touched my life in so many ways.

Here's what to do:

1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: http://smartone.typepad.com/smartone/2008/05/pink-is-my-favo.html. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.
2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.
3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

Good Day Bad Day

Well, I had my progesterone test done today... P4 23 (highest it has ever been) E2 190 (last cycle was 260 but I had two follies that time, only one this time and it needs to be over 100) so I was happy... Felt great and actually started to feel slightly hopeful... Then it happens, the fluttering started.

I have been told by my Acupuncturist that I have a cold uterus, along with a kidney yang deficiency. Which means LPD in western medicine. Anyways I read in Infertility Cure, that fluttering in your uterus about 1 week prior to AF is a sign AF is coming. So despite my high levels (high levels for me) I knew AF is probably going to show next Friday. When I first read this in IF CURE I thought OMG that is me. Not a good sign. I plan on bringing this up on Tuesday at my acupuncturist appt. Maybe I can get come insight on this. Anyone else experience this? I actually googled cold uterus and saw nothing on the subject of fluttering.

Take notice...

A nestie posted today a prayer for IF, I posted it to the right of the screen, I plan on reading it everyday during my prayers, and I hope you guys can do that too.

I have my Progestrone test tomorrow, hoping for high numbers. Next week at this time I will know what our next steps will be. This last week could not go any faster, AF is also due next weekend, while I am at the beach. Good for me. It will either be a crappy vacation or a happy vacation.

I got to talk with a co-worker of mine today (not in my dept.) and she listened to me conplain about IF, she knows we are going through treatment and will every once in a while ask how I am doing, which I appericate her asking, How I am doing rather then asking if there is any news yet. I told her about my frustrations and how things are going. It was nice to talk to someone without her giving me advice.

Nervous wreck today...

I am so terrified that my tube is blocked.

I ahve my RE appt next week to discuss next steps and I know we will be doing injectables and probably a HSG. I am so nervous about the HSG and it is not even scheduled yet.

If my tube is blocked, I am not sure what we will do, We have no IF coverage so IVF would probably not happen. It sucks that I have to think this way.

I go back an forth on this, I did not have a c-section with my DD and I have had no infections since having her, what else could cause it to block?

I cried twice about this today. I hate the what ifs. I just wish I knew the whole story and how to fix it and be able to fix it and be done with a baby in my arms.

1 Year of TTCing...

Today is the day we started TTCing. My sister got married last year on august 11th, the next day I got my AF and DH and I decided we would go off BCP and see what happens, I was so excited to get started and thought I would definately be pregnant by DEC, well in sept I missed my AF and thought OH MY GOD I AM PREGNANT THE VERY FIRST MONTH, well nope that cycle ended up being, 6 weeks long. After that I decided if I wanted to be pregnant by Dec I would have to reread TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR FERTILITY and start charting again. Which I did I thought it would definately work out well this time. IN febuary I got another cyst on my only ovary and DR said she wantd to start treatment b/c I did not have much time (thanks alot) and we started Clomid in March, now here we are August and nothing. I hate IF and what it has done to my life, I hate having to take drugs to get pregnant, but unfortuately I have no choice, I would not O on time and my cycles would be so long. I am hoping that we will not have to do this another year b/c that would suck.

Nothing much going on...

I am however counting down to my August 21st appointment with the RE to discuss injectables. I am nervous and excited for this appointment, b/c maybe injectables are going to work for me (menaing a BFP) and we will probably schedule that HSG. Which makes me nervous beyond belief. I stress about that test b/c our future children are relying on my tube to be OPEN.

I have been trying to keep my mind off the 2WW, I am listing a ton on ebay and work is keeping me busy with packing our office for the remodel next week.

Oh and I do not think I will be peeing out my trigger this cycle either. because I am getting those two extra booster shots it wouod be pointless.

REBELLING AGAINST THE PINEAPPLE

I decided NOT to do pineapple 1-5 DPO this cycle. Why? Well first of all I have been doing it since March and no BFP yet. Plus I took a poll on The Nest on SAIF and all the ladies who responded (38 of them) said they did not eat pineapple during their BFP cycle. So there you have it, decided to save my $4.00 for something else and not eat it. I thought maybe by eating it month after month I was just being superstitious. So if I do not get my BFP this cycle I am blaming it on the pineapple.

TODAY

I have a headache. I normally get headaches all the time, but since I started acupuncture they have stopped. But now I have a huge one and am afraid to take anything for it. Since I am in my 2ww. Plus I have to clean my entire house today b/c my ILs are coming for dinner tomorrow.

My temp stayed up this AM, not much of a change either. Yesturday 97.80 today 97.72

So I either Oed, Thursday like FF says or Friday like the RE says. Either way we are covered.

To be honest I would love a BFP this cycle. It would save us so much money in the long run. But I am not holding out much hope. It may be different as the 2WW draws near, but for now I am looking forwards to next cycle and meeting with the RE on August 21st to discuss injectables b/c that is my next step. I am really scared my tube (only one) is closed or slightly closed. That is all I think about lately. Praying my tube is open.

Now all I do is wait for August 23rd.

RE did not agree

I did call the RE today to tell them I Oed earlier then they expected. Well they said disregard and assume it will be today, as long as we had sex, wed, thurs and fri, we would be covered. So I guess we will see when AF shows to see when I really did O. I like to believe at least I was normal for one day.

Guess who Ovulated on CD14!

ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/55726

I never O on CD14 ever, ever, ever! It felt good this morning when my temp jumped. Now my dilemna is this would probably change my HCG booster shot schedule. Should I call the RE and let the nurse know I Oed earlier then they thought should we change the shot schedule, or let it go?

I will still make DH BD with me today, just in case b/c today was suppost to be O day according to the RE, but NOPE my body decided to do something normal for a change.

This makes me excited, hoping it was a good quality egg and the spermies did their job and found it and got themselves in there.

PRAYING FOR BFP THIS CYCLE!

Jury Duty

I got a jury sommons today, it will be during O time next cycle and my Number is #7, so I can bet I will have to go. BLAH!

I actually felt good today. I have my moments of saddness and I know the 2WW will not go fast enough. I can looking forward to meeting with the RE DR to see what the next steps are. I do have horrible back pain since last night, thought maybe it was from the trigger shot, but it was still here today. Had acupuncture today and before I even told her about the pain, she informed me that she was going to treat my on my back this time, I alsways get treated on the front. Guess she was trying something new, well it was so much nicer. I actually feel asleep and felt wonderful, she also put some kind of cream on my back afterwards to help with the back ache.

SA RESULTS

WELL I got the results back this morning, another great reason to get out of bed. They were SUPER!!! I do not remember all the facts, b/c she never gave me the sheet, she wanted the RE to make comments on it.

But I do remember they wanted over 20 mill. and he had 68.8 mill!!!!

So now we know I am the problem NOT him and now all I have to worry about is if my one lonely tube is open. Praying it is.

I have not told he yet, will tell him tonight. I know he will get a big head.

I am NOT a morning person...

why is it that follie checks at my DRs office are always at 7:30 in the morning? Don't they know I am NOT a morning person. But getting up to go get my b/w and u/s is easier when I am a planner and need to know what is going on with my body. But still I drag myself out of bed as it is, when I stick DD in the car with her pajamas on with her yelling at me, NO MOMMY I WANT TO SLEEP (I guess I rubbed off on her with the morning stuff). I am willing to get out of bed for a follie check b/c I need ot know what is happneing. But for some reason this monring it was harder then normal.

Well, this cycle we only have 1 follie (in the last two cycle we have had 2 follies) it was a big one, so maybe I will O 1 day earlier then normal, so at least GOD was listening a little about me wanting to O earlier then normal. I trigger tonight and then the sex fest will begin. I will be honest I was a little disappointed in only having one follie b/c that means less targets but the nurse said before I left, maybe that follie is my lucky one.

follie check tomorrow

I have my follie check tomorrow, hoping for at least 2 follies at a good size, I tried to ask GOD this morning if he could let me O early this cycle that would be good, I usually O on CD 16 I would LOVE to O on CD14 at least once in my life.

I am also reading Conquering Infertility and hoping to take away some peace with it. I also have been listening to my fertility affirmations on my MP3 player. Hoping that will calm me down.

I should start excercising again, I have stopped this summer, so doing it very sparingly. I am off schedule in the summer, my job is super slow and I do not have classes, there is not rhyme or reason to my day, maybe what I need to get back to a good frame of mind is for my schedule to be back on. The busier I am the more I follow a schedule and it works out good. No schedule my life seems to fall apart and I saty home and THINK too much.

One good thing happened this summer, I am pretty much caught up on listing all my inventory on ebay, I have 75 more items to list and then I am pretty much caught up. I want to stay on top of whatever I buy and get it listed right away. I need the money for IF treatment, we are saving and saving, anything I make is for treatment and if we end up not needing to do next cycle I will have little pot of money to pay down bills, which is what I planned on doing in the first place, oh well a baby is more important.

heavy heart

Today I woke up with a heavy heart... I am scared. I am afraid that I will be heartbroken for the rest of my life. DD wanted to play dolls this morning, I played a little but then she called the dolls sisters and that shot right through me. I know she would make a great big sister and one of the things I am looking forward to is seeing her with her own sibiling and how much love she will shower over him or her. That all breaks my heart... I know you guys are probably tired of my whining, but I do not know how to feel any other way lately. I was hopful yesturday and today no so much, remember I hate rollercoasters.

My first follie check is on Wednesday, my ovary is achy which makes me think it is growing those follies.

Plus our SA comes back this week. Hoping for good numbers, actually I feel sick when I think about it.

I also get full of anxiety over paying out of pocket for treatment, there is so much more this money can be spent on, but that has been put on hold until we are blessed with a baby. I wish ebay woud pick up more b/c that is where our IF treatment money is coming from, my business, since our paychecks go towards hosueholds bills and we stick to a budget. DD starts school in Sept (2 days a week) and I planned on using ebay money to pay for that too... really hoping I am pregnant by then.

So much to think about and worry about, I hate how IF controls my life.

I have my moments...

of HOPEFULNESS! Today was one of them, I feel that someday I will be pregnant and it will happen, but my impatientness (is that a word?) with this process makes me worried that it will not happen at all...

When I am out of my house doing things and busy, I do not think that much about it, it may creep in when I am driving or seeing those pregnant bellies and newborn babies but for the most part when I am out and about I am hopeful.

It all changes when I am home. When I am home I am in a constant state of anxiety. Start to feel depressed this may never happen for us again and worry over everthing. When this happens I start GOOGLEING and reading message boards which sucks me right in and adds to my depression. Those boards are great resources for support (I totally feel that way) but sometimes when I read about so many people struggling with #1 or even #2 I get depressed and my own HOPE goes right out the door. I think I may need to stay away from message boards for a while. I will check in but not spend hours reading posts and I also need to stay away from GOGGLE, that is the death of me.

I pray everyday, GOD will bring us another bundle of JOY, hoping it is sooner rather then later.

Today was actually good...

We had one busy day, this AM I felt alittle depressed so off we went yard saling, but did not find much.

Then we had a 1st birthday party for my BFF's son, who by the way is the cutest. She had a miscarriage for her first baby and she was due two days apart from her SIL, her SIL went on to have a baby girl while my BFF lost her baby and almost her tube, but she didn't, it was a hard 12 months for her before she got pregnant again. I was so happy for her. Now her son is 1 and her SIL is expecting #2. I thought all day I was dreading going to the party b/c I would have to look at this big belly (she is due soon) and be envious. I can not say jealous, b/c I do not want to be her, I am just wishing I was having #2 and got pregnant as soon as I said "let's get pregnant!", it was actually not bad, I was not as upset as I thought I would be. Guess I was just enjoying the day with BFF and her son. She just built a house and it is amazing, that I was jealous of.

Then after that we had another picnic, no pregnant bellies there. But I keep thinking, maybe nexy year at the time we will have a baby with us. Hoping and praying.

Now we are home I am soooo tired and ready to call it a day. Hoping the next few days my spirits are just as high... maybe I turned a corner.

BTW I was alittle freaked this AM, I am on CD9 and my cervix was high and open, guess I should start OPKS b/c my 1st u/s is not till Wednesday. I have not Oed early my entire life!

worried...

I had a overwhelming fear today while driving that my tube is blocked, not sure what brought it on or maybe I do, I was at a clients house and saw her newborn baby and they also informed me her sister is pregnant, my heart dropped. Why is it so easy for everyone else be me. I got in my car and all of a sudden, I started to have a sort of panick set in, what if my tube is blocked? Maybe that is why we are not able to have another baby. Since I only have one functioning tube this whole idea just scares the crap out of me, since if it is blocked our only option is IVF. I cried the whole way to get my daughter, when I got there my Mom knew something was wrong, I told her. And she said you got pregnant only 3 years ago, it has to be open. Then why is this happening? My RE appt is not until Aug 21st, that is when he will schedule it, I am not sure I can wait until then. I am already full of anxiety over it. I am not so much worried about the SA but the idea that my tube is blocked sends me into a panick.