Today I did not cry, well not yet. I have cried everyday for the last two weeks. Today I was sad, but not as sad as before. Not sure why. I think now that my injections are over and we have had all the sex we needed to, it is now out of my control. I always hated the days leading up to O, while the 2WW is not my favorite (usually goes so slow) I always feel little better during the 2WW. Maybe it is b/c I could be pregnant. Now do not start thinking, WOW she has turned a new leaf. I have not, I am still sad, depressed and just plain tired of this rollercoaster. And HOPE has not settled in yet, I am still feeling this crappy cycle will end up like all the others, in a BFN.
On another note, paper is done, Just need to proofread and print out, which I will do tomorrow b/c I cannot look at it anymore today. It is a sucky paper, to go along with my sucky rollercoaster life.
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Sunday, September 7, 2008
LAZY SUNDAY
Well not really.
I did get all my articles read yesterday, so all I HAVE to do it write the paper, which hopefully comes easy, b/c as of right now I do not have a clue. Got 1/2 my housework done hoping to finish today.
Progesterone is going better, still very messy, but I have been lying down longer in hopes most of it stays in and not leak out. I did however yesterday after taking it in the morning, about a hour later have a wave of nausea and felt like I was going to faint. It was horrible. Hoping not to repeat that today. I have my first set of b/w tomorrow and will more then likely get my second HCG shot tomorrow night.
This morning while laying in bed I was thinking about the next cycle already. I tried so hard to move those thoughts out of my mind but they kept coming back. I want them to up my dose next cycle. Hopefully they will. I realize they told me that they were wanting one great follie and I still have a chance but in reality I am not feeling it at all. I do not think I am pregnant. I wish I was, but feel nothing that makes me have a glimmer of hope, and yes I know it is early.
Well I am going to keep myself occupied by doing my school work and house work and pray this nightmare ends soon.
I did get all my articles read yesterday, so all I HAVE to do it write the paper, which hopefully comes easy, b/c as of right now I do not have a clue. Got 1/2 my housework done hoping to finish today.
Progesterone is going better, still very messy, but I have been lying down longer in hopes most of it stays in and not leak out. I did however yesterday after taking it in the morning, about a hour later have a wave of nausea and felt like I was going to faint. It was horrible. Hoping not to repeat that today. I have my first set of b/w tomorrow and will more then likely get my second HCG shot tomorrow night.
This morning while laying in bed I was thinking about the next cycle already. I tried so hard to move those thoughts out of my mind but they kept coming back. I want them to up my dose next cycle. Hopefully they will. I realize they told me that they were wanting one great follie and I still have a chance but in reality I am not feeling it at all. I do not think I am pregnant. I wish I was, but feel nothing that makes me have a glimmer of hope, and yes I know it is early.
Well I am going to keep myself occupied by doing my school work and house work and pray this nightmare ends soon.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Not writing off just yet...
I spoke to the nurse today, my b/w from yesturday said I was about to O but not there yet. So I must have Oed last night, which would have been good, we got three nights in a row in for sex. DH came home today and asked if he was on duty tonight. At least he is interested in this baby making even if he does not want to spend the money.
I also asked the RE nurse (this nurse I feel more comfortable with - not sure why, she just always seemed geniune) her professional opinion on how I responded this cycle, she admitted she was disappointed, b/c of my E2 level at trigger time, she would have liked to see my level be higher so then my lining wouold have been better. She told me not to write it off just yet, b/c we are adding the progestrone supplements this cycle and we will see where we stand on Monday with my b/w. But she did add, we will re-evaluate for next cycle. Which ahd me think maybe we should write off this cycle as already failed. I want to have HOPE so badly. Please let this happen for us, I need this to happen for us.
On another note, I mad ethe step to call a counselor b/c I have not been handling the last three weeks very well. I left a message to see if they deal with IF issues, if not I will call another. Not sure where I will fit this into my schedule or even if I will follow through and actually go, but at least I called.
I also asked the RE nurse (this nurse I feel more comfortable with - not sure why, she just always seemed geniune) her professional opinion on how I responded this cycle, she admitted she was disappointed, b/c of my E2 level at trigger time, she would have liked to see my level be higher so then my lining wouold have been better. She told me not to write it off just yet, b/c we are adding the progestrone supplements this cycle and we will see where we stand on Monday with my b/w. But she did add, we will re-evaluate for next cycle. Which ahd me think maybe we should write off this cycle as already failed. I want to have HOPE so badly. Please let this happen for us, I need this to happen for us.
On another note, I mad ethe step to call a counselor b/c I have not been handling the last three weeks very well. I left a message to see if they deal with IF issues, if not I will call another. Not sure where I will fit this into my schedule or even if I will follow through and actually go, but at least I called.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Starting to unravel...
I have been praying for months for GOD to show me the way, to give me strength, to give me a sign of what path I am to choose. I feel with all this praying, hoping, praying and hoping, I feel exactly the same as I did before. I do not feel peace or stronger or anything, I just feel defeated and abandoned.
Everyone says, pray harder, GOD will come through. WHEN????? Because for months I have praying everynight, every morning and sometimes several times a day. I am losing faith. Losing faith in GOD, losing faith in myself and losing faith in the DRs.
I realize you must be laughing at me, b/c according to everyone in my life the cycle is not over until AF arrives. But I feel like this has been my worst cycle by far on medication that was suppost to give me better results. I also believe I Oed yesturday (rather then today - like the DR expected) I did call them b/c this happened last cycle but now it happened again. Why am I Oing 24 hours after my trigger shot? This is only according to my temps, which I realize comes with human error, but I take my temp everyday at the same time with the same amount of sleep, where is the error? They had me come in for b/w, which may have been pointless, b/c if I did O today I would have this morning and regardless the test is going to say I Oed, unless they know something I am not aware of.
So now I wait, wait for the b/w to get back (which they said might not be until tomorrow) 2ww is here and we are doing the pineapple this cycle (I rebelled last cycle) and going to acupuncture (for my last treatment) during implantation time. I am moving along even though this whole cycle was pointless and I wasted a whole shit load of money. I just want to SCREAM.
Everyone says, pray harder, GOD will come through. WHEN????? Because for months I have praying everynight, every morning and sometimes several times a day. I am losing faith. Losing faith in GOD, losing faith in myself and losing faith in the DRs.
I realize you must be laughing at me, b/c according to everyone in my life the cycle is not over until AF arrives. But I feel like this has been my worst cycle by far on medication that was suppost to give me better results. I also believe I Oed yesturday (rather then today - like the DR expected) I did call them b/c this happened last cycle but now it happened again. Why am I Oing 24 hours after my trigger shot? This is only according to my temps, which I realize comes with human error, but I take my temp everyday at the same time with the same amount of sleep, where is the error? They had me come in for b/w, which may have been pointless, b/c if I did O today I would have this morning and regardless the test is going to say I Oed, unless they know something I am not aware of.
So now I wait, wait for the b/w to get back (which they said might not be until tomorrow) 2ww is here and we are doing the pineapple this cycle (I rebelled last cycle) and going to acupuncture (for my last treatment) during implantation time. I am moving along even though this whole cycle was pointless and I wasted a whole shit load of money. I just want to SCREAM.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Can it get any better???
I know I have been less then positive about this cycle, to say the least. Maybe it is because of all the crap I am dealing with in my life, I am not sure. I thought injectables would be our ticket to success. Now I am not feeling that way at all. Besides only one follie and low estrogen, I find out today that my DR does want me to start the progestrone supplements on Friday (which I thought I was anyways) because my lining was only a 7. My lining was only a 7 on my clomid cycles too. So now I am thinking I wasted my money on this cycle, I could have just done Clomid and saved myself the money and got the same results. It sucks.
I also am dreading the school year starting, I Offically start seeing my cleints next week. I am a counselor for pregnant / parenting teens. I love my job but lately it has been harder and harder to go to. I am thinking of quitting, which will put all my plans (masters degree and all) pointless. I am not sure what I am qualified for besides working with children, that is where all my experience is. I am stuck. If I quit and end up pregnant I might regret it, but if I stay is it emotionally OK for me. So far it is fine, but I can forsee this going any farther I may have to give up something, like my job.
I also am dreading the school year starting, I Offically start seeing my cleints next week. I am a counselor for pregnant / parenting teens. I love my job but lately it has been harder and harder to go to. I am thinking of quitting, which will put all my plans (masters degree and all) pointless. I am not sure what I am qualified for besides working with children, that is where all my experience is. I am stuck. If I quit and end up pregnant I might regret it, but if I stay is it emotionally OK for me. So far it is fine, but I can forsee this going any farther I may have to give up something, like my job.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Craptastic Appt...
Well alittle bit.
I was tested for ureaplasma, b/c I had it in 2004, so they did a culture just in case. Cyst is tiny as tiny can be and I only had 1 mature follie and one that is sort of mature. I was to say the least disappointed. Where did the other one go? Out the window just like my hopes and dreams.
The nurse told me they are glad with the progress of the one lonely follie, it measured 19mm. I on the other hand as not pleased, I guess I my mind more then one gives me a higher chance of one sticking. I cried in the car afterwards... We are trigging tonight, CD11 so I will O on CD13 (earliest ever) and will go back Monday for b/w to see if I need the HCG, but I will ask to take it regardless (I need all the push I can get) and start my progestrone supplements on Friday, twice a day. Fingers crossed... The nurse did tell me that my estrogen is only at 176, it has to be between 175-200 that also did not make me feel any better, I wish it was 200, that would make me feel better.
Now I know why I was not bloated at all this cycle, I kept thinking to myself this weekend, "if I have three follies shouldn't I be more bloated" That solved that, only one decided to mature. So disppointed.
So we will see how this goes. I am hoping that after O I will feel better about the situation. But right now I just want to go to bed and cry myself to sleep.
I was tested for ureaplasma, b/c I had it in 2004, so they did a culture just in case. Cyst is tiny as tiny can be and I only had 1 mature follie and one that is sort of mature. I was to say the least disappointed. Where did the other one go? Out the window just like my hopes and dreams.
The nurse told me they are glad with the progress of the one lonely follie, it measured 19mm. I on the other hand as not pleased, I guess I my mind more then one gives me a higher chance of one sticking. I cried in the car afterwards... We are trigging tonight, CD11 so I will O on CD13 (earliest ever) and will go back Monday for b/w to see if I need the HCG, but I will ask to take it regardless (I need all the push I can get) and start my progestrone supplements on Friday, twice a day. Fingers crossed... The nurse did tell me that my estrogen is only at 176, it has to be between 175-200 that also did not make me feel any better, I wish it was 200, that would make me feel better.
Now I know why I was not bloated at all this cycle, I kept thinking to myself this weekend, "if I have three follies shouldn't I be more bloated" That solved that, only one decided to mature. So disppointed.
So we will see how this goes. I am hoping that after O I will feel better about the situation. But right now I just want to go to bed and cry myself to sleep.
Monday, September 1, 2008
I can not sleep...
I went to bed 2 hours ago and have been up ten times. I just can not settle my brain. All I can think about if what if this cycle does not work. Am I going to have enough energy to do this over again? And Again and Again. I have a follie check tomorrow and keep telling myself that things will work out, soon it will be my turn. I am not completely sure if I believe that, but I will keep saying it.
We had dinner at the ILs tonight. Since they know nothing about our IF, I had to leave the table in the middle of dinner to go give myself a shot in the bathroom. It took forever b/c I ran out of meds and had to switch vials. It sucked to stick myself twice which by the way is getting harder to do. My stomach is not bruised but very sore. My MIL talked me into going to the baby shower for Dh's Cousin, I do not want to go, but we have a family thing on my side that day, so maybe I will go just to avoid my sister. Still do not know what I will say when I see her. I feel so badly I am angry about this, but I am.
I am hoping after I finally O I will start to have a little HOPE, all this stress can not be good for my body. I know this, but I do not know how to control it, I AM STRESSED, SAD and just plain DEPRESSED.
I have to keep telling myself this worked once it will work again, Right?
We had dinner at the ILs tonight. Since they know nothing about our IF, I had to leave the table in the middle of dinner to go give myself a shot in the bathroom. It took forever b/c I ran out of meds and had to switch vials. It sucked to stick myself twice which by the way is getting harder to do. My stomach is not bruised but very sore. My MIL talked me into going to the baby shower for Dh's Cousin, I do not want to go, but we have a family thing on my side that day, so maybe I will go just to avoid my sister. Still do not know what I will say when I see her. I feel so badly I am angry about this, but I am.
I am hoping after I finally O I will start to have a little HOPE, all this stress can not be good for my body. I know this, but I do not know how to control it, I AM STRESSED, SAD and just plain DEPRESSED.
I have to keep telling myself this worked once it will work again, Right?
So much has been taken from us.
As IFers our Journey is different from most people. I feel during this process a lot has been taken away from me.
1. I can not have spontenous sex with my DH, it is all planned.
2. Everyone knows my cycle, there will never be a surprise "I am pregnant announcement"
3. I plan my life around DR appts
4. I plan my budget around payng for medications
5. I can not be happy for others who annouce their pregnancy (usually this is for non IFers)
6. I am starting to HATE my job, a job in which I thought I would retire at.
7. I look at my daughter with pity, that she will never be able to have a sibling relationship. (even if she does end up hating her sibling).
8. I have cancelled things in my life just to get by whether it be for emotional reasons or just because I have to be at the DR at a certain time.
9. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore, I used to have everything laid out.
10. Watching others struggle and lose babies makes me even more scared to continue with this journey.
Sorry to be so whinny lately, I hate myself for being such a complainer.
1. I can not have spontenous sex with my DH, it is all planned.
2. Everyone knows my cycle, there will never be a surprise "I am pregnant announcement"
3. I plan my life around DR appts
4. I plan my budget around payng for medications
5. I can not be happy for others who annouce their pregnancy (usually this is for non IFers)
6. I am starting to HATE my job, a job in which I thought I would retire at.
7. I look at my daughter with pity, that she will never be able to have a sibling relationship. (even if she does end up hating her sibling).
8. I have cancelled things in my life just to get by whether it be for emotional reasons or just because I have to be at the DR at a certain time.
9. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore, I used to have everything laid out.
10. Watching others struggle and lose babies makes me even more scared to continue with this journey.
Sorry to be so whinny lately, I hate myself for being such a complainer.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
I need to get out of this FUNK.
Because I feel like I am living in a dase and am not able to accomplish anything...
Dh and I went to dinner last night - alone. His parents gave us money for our anniversary and we figured we better use it on dinner rather then bills (IL know nothing about IF issues) At dinner DH and I had a long talk about things we want. We have had these talks before but this time it felt like it was more like dreams then it will actually happen. Before our IF issues Dh always wanted to Build a house. He has talked about this for a while, but financially we were not in a place to do it. We sold our last tiny house and bought the house we are currently in b/c it was slightly bigger and we could afford it. Ever since he still talks about building soon. Well in order to build we have a few bills to pay off, I have a nice little ebay business going and make good money (at least for me) normally all that money goes towards things we need that just come up (this month it was the $500 I had to pay to fix my car) and paying down debt. Well then IF started and now all my ebay money goes towards the medication, it actually sucks to be giving out your debit card number to the pharmacy so you can pay for your meds. I actually had a slight nervous break down after I got off the phone after I paid for the meds b/c we could have used that money for so much more. I feel like b/c we are completely Out of Pocket I should just flush the money down the toilet with every failed cycle. Because that is exactly what this is like. I feel like I have wasted so much money on our failed cycles. It sucks, if money was not the issue I guess I would feel better. Back to Topic, so after our discussion last night of BABY, Pay down DEBT and start looking for Land, I felt like I am crushing DH's dream of building. I realize it is just a house and a baby is more important (at least to me) I was a little sad. I started with the what ifs again, what if in the end of all this we still come up empty handed and just have more debt to deal with. I hate this feeling. I want so badly to take my Daughter to Disney b/c she would freak to see those Princesses and I just want to see her face light up. Our life is on hold. That is how I feel. I can not plan or spend money on anything b/c we may need it, for IF treatments. LIMBO SUCKS. I just want to move on with my life and start making plans again.
I woke up this morning, not wanting to get out of bed, just with this huge sense of sadness. If this does not work out, we will just be left with a pile of debt and no baby. I am afraid I will be bitter forever. I thought as soon as I got the good news my tube was open I would feel better but I don't.
I have been asking GOD for a sign for weeks. Just tell me what I am suppost to do. I always said that is my sister would get pregnant first I would stop because I do not want my Mom to watch two infants at once. This was Before IF treatments started. feel like I can not stop the rollercoaster ride, but when is it enough.
Now there were a few things that happened this week that has me confused...
Are these my signs?
Signs to stop TTCing
1. Sister got pregnant
2. nervous break down about paying for meds (after I paid I felt like I made a huge mistake - asked my Mom is I made the right decision - of course she said yes)
3. Not sure HOW we are going to pay for our next round.
4. Cyst showing up (could have cancelled the cycle myself)
5. overwhelming sense of this will not happen for us
6. found out about abnormal pap smear from MAY
7. got this guardian angel necklace at the beach last weekend (was expensive) got home and the chain is broken.
Signs to keep going
1. Tube is open
2. HSG increases your chances
3. On new protocol
4. cyst did shrink
5. everyone in my life has HOPE for me (even my DR)except myself.
I hate not having control over this, it is truly a waiting game. I hate waiting and think many of us have waiting long enough.
When my MOM told me about my sister I immediately wanted to not move to the next step and take some time off (even though the DR says I do not have time) my MOM made me swear to keep going and why they did not tell me right away is because they thought I would stop. I feel so guilty about the possibility my MOM may have to watch two babies plus my nephew and my DD. Then on the other hand I am so sad that this might NOT happen for us.
In a way I think if we did not try to get pregnant and it failed I would feel better about the BFN - because we were not truly trying - while since we are giving 100% to this process when the BFN comes it hits me harder.
Sorry so long, I just feel so sad and can not seem to let it go. I need to let it go, I am living in a state of anxiety
Dh and I went to dinner last night - alone. His parents gave us money for our anniversary and we figured we better use it on dinner rather then bills (IL know nothing about IF issues) At dinner DH and I had a long talk about things we want. We have had these talks before but this time it felt like it was more like dreams then it will actually happen. Before our IF issues Dh always wanted to Build a house. He has talked about this for a while, but financially we were not in a place to do it. We sold our last tiny house and bought the house we are currently in b/c it was slightly bigger and we could afford it. Ever since he still talks about building soon. Well in order to build we have a few bills to pay off, I have a nice little ebay business going and make good money (at least for me) normally all that money goes towards things we need that just come up (this month it was the $500 I had to pay to fix my car) and paying down debt. Well then IF started and now all my ebay money goes towards the medication, it actually sucks to be giving out your debit card number to the pharmacy so you can pay for your meds. I actually had a slight nervous break down after I got off the phone after I paid for the meds b/c we could have used that money for so much more. I feel like b/c we are completely Out of Pocket I should just flush the money down the toilet with every failed cycle. Because that is exactly what this is like. I feel like I have wasted so much money on our failed cycles. It sucks, if money was not the issue I guess I would feel better. Back to Topic, so after our discussion last night of BABY, Pay down DEBT and start looking for Land, I felt like I am crushing DH's dream of building. I realize it is just a house and a baby is more important (at least to me) I was a little sad. I started with the what ifs again, what if in the end of all this we still come up empty handed and just have more debt to deal with. I hate this feeling. I want so badly to take my Daughter to Disney b/c she would freak to see those Princesses and I just want to see her face light up. Our life is on hold. That is how I feel. I can not plan or spend money on anything b/c we may need it, for IF treatments. LIMBO SUCKS. I just want to move on with my life and start making plans again.
I woke up this morning, not wanting to get out of bed, just with this huge sense of sadness. If this does not work out, we will just be left with a pile of debt and no baby. I am afraid I will be bitter forever. I thought as soon as I got the good news my tube was open I would feel better but I don't.
I have been asking GOD for a sign for weeks. Just tell me what I am suppost to do. I always said that is my sister would get pregnant first I would stop because I do not want my Mom to watch two infants at once. This was Before IF treatments started. feel like I can not stop the rollercoaster ride, but when is it enough.
Now there were a few things that happened this week that has me confused...
Are these my signs?
Signs to stop TTCing
1. Sister got pregnant
2. nervous break down about paying for meds (after I paid I felt like I made a huge mistake - asked my Mom is I made the right decision - of course she said yes)
3. Not sure HOW we are going to pay for our next round.
4. Cyst showing up (could have cancelled the cycle myself)
5. overwhelming sense of this will not happen for us
6. found out about abnormal pap smear from MAY
7. got this guardian angel necklace at the beach last weekend (was expensive) got home and the chain is broken.
Signs to keep going
1. Tube is open
2. HSG increases your chances
3. On new protocol
4. cyst did shrink
5. everyone in my life has HOPE for me (even my DR)except myself.
I hate not having control over this, it is truly a waiting game. I hate waiting and think many of us have waiting long enough.
When my MOM told me about my sister I immediately wanted to not move to the next step and take some time off (even though the DR says I do not have time) my MOM made me swear to keep going and why they did not tell me right away is because they thought I would stop. I feel so guilty about the possibility my MOM may have to watch two babies plus my nephew and my DD. Then on the other hand I am so sad that this might NOT happen for us.
In a way I think if we did not try to get pregnant and it failed I would feel better about the BFN - because we were not truly trying - while since we are giving 100% to this process when the BFN comes it hits me harder.
Sorry so long, I just feel so sad and can not seem to let it go. I need to let it go, I am living in a state of anxiety
Friday, August 29, 2008
1st follie check... and cyst check :(
I had my first follie check this morning, I am only on cd7 so it is very early, but she wanted to get me in before the holiday weekend and check that cyst. Well the cyst got smaller, and they said may get smaller yet. Thank goodness - I really thought this cycle would be cancelled. I also had 3 follies, they were small but there and she expressed there maybe more my Tuesday, (THUMP) I almost feel over. I would like 4 but nothing more. My family insists I will have twins, me not so much. I know they will scale my meds back if I get too many follies. I hate that people think fertility meds = twins. Maybe I will do a list of my pet peeves eventually. I have a few - HA!
I am feeling better this morning, maybe b/c it was the good news I received in the last two days. I still do not know what I will say to my sister when I see her, but we will get through it. I do not think people realize how much this all hurts. It actually stings alot. The nurse told me she felt good things for me, everyone has been saying that. I feel like they say it just to make me feel better, but I do appericate it. I just do not want to get my hopes up, guess I have turned very guarded through this and as time progressives. I hate the ups and downs of things, I wish I was more positive, maybe I will get there. I think I am really positive after I leave the DR office, then it all falls apart within a hour. Maybe they will allow me to move into the Dr office?
I am also thinking of stopping acupuncture. It does relax me and seems to have kept my headaches at bay, but it is getting way too expensive, especially since I just paid 700.00 for meds this cycle. I think I rather go get a massage twice a month and I would still pay less. I will decide by Tuesday what my plan is. I feel badly b/c she has helped me, but it is just getting too pricy. If I get BFN this cycle and did not do the acupuncture I will feel badly, they say after 3-6 months if it does not work for you (meaning BFP) then it probably will not, I am on month 6 now with her. I am so confused.
How does everyone else stay positiive?
I am feeling better this morning, maybe b/c it was the good news I received in the last two days. I still do not know what I will say to my sister when I see her, but we will get through it. I do not think people realize how much this all hurts. It actually stings alot. The nurse told me she felt good things for me, everyone has been saying that. I feel like they say it just to make me feel better, but I do appericate it. I just do not want to get my hopes up, guess I have turned very guarded through this and as time progressives. I hate the ups and downs of things, I wish I was more positive, maybe I will get there. I think I am really positive after I leave the DR office, then it all falls apart within a hour. Maybe they will allow me to move into the Dr office?
I am also thinking of stopping acupuncture. It does relax me and seems to have kept my headaches at bay, but it is getting way too expensive, especially since I just paid 700.00 for meds this cycle. I think I rather go get a massage twice a month and I would still pay less. I will decide by Tuesday what my plan is. I feel badly b/c she has helped me, but it is just getting too pricy. If I get BFN this cycle and did not do the acupuncture I will feel badly, they say after 3-6 months if it does not work for you (meaning BFP) then it probably will not, I am on month 6 now with her. I am so confused.
How does everyone else stay positiive?
Thursday, August 28, 2008
HSG update...
This morning was hell. I did not sleep at all and was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up. They told me to eat breakfast, that did not happen b/c just the thought of it made me want to poke. I took my 4 advil and hurried to the hosptial. My Mom went with b/c she insisted. After I checked in I thought I was about to burst into tears any second. I held it together, thank goodness. I was not nervous about the actual procedure but the actual outcome.
They took me back and did their thing, the nurse who was there asked me about DD and it ended up we gave birth on the same day, when the DR came in she told him and he said, well we are hoping to repeat that soon.
He put the stuff inside me, cleaned my cervix, sorry if TMI and put in the catherter, it did not hurt just alittle uncomfortable, then they asked me to put my legs down (what?) that was so weird. When he put in the contrast I watched the screen but of course had no clue what I was looking at. I had alot of crmaping and pressure, the nurse kept telling to to breath deep right through it. When it was over, he went over my results, b/c at this point I am freaking b/c I have no clue what anything was on the screen.
DR told me that my tube is not blocked (hooray!) but my tube is kind of funky shaped. My uterus is bowed at the top, which he does not forsee as a problem, but the funky tube might be. He said we will do 3 injectable cycles with TI and then if I am not pregnant do a LAP on the tube, so maybe he can straighten it out. My tube is like a L, but should be like a J. If you can see what I mean.
He also added after all this, that he thinks I will be pregnant in the next 3 cycle maybe even this cycle. How can he be so optimistic? I wish I was more optmistic. I just felt like this is one more hurdle I have to worry about. I hate that feeling.
I hope he is right, I want a baby so badly. Afterwards I cried in the bathroom with my MOM, I am so scared this is not going to work and I will need surgery. I just can not get my hopes up to have them crushed, which is what has happened the last few cycles.
I hate that I am so bitter but I am. DH and I had a fight last night about the what ifs, and if IVF comes to be our future what would we do and he is staying on his NO WAY NOT DOING IT WE DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY routine. Which upsets me. I know he is supportive of all this but is tired that I am so upset all the time and that I feel if DD is our only child it will feel like the end of the world for me.
I know what you are thinking I should be happy! NO BLOCKED TUBES, but all I feel is saddness and stress.
Oh and today is our 4th anniversary and I do not feel celebrating, I am so emotionally drained.
They took me back and did their thing, the nurse who was there asked me about DD and it ended up we gave birth on the same day, when the DR came in she told him and he said, well we are hoping to repeat that soon.
He put the stuff inside me, cleaned my cervix, sorry if TMI and put in the catherter, it did not hurt just alittle uncomfortable, then they asked me to put my legs down (what?) that was so weird. When he put in the contrast I watched the screen but of course had no clue what I was looking at. I had alot of crmaping and pressure, the nurse kept telling to to breath deep right through it. When it was over, he went over my results, b/c at this point I am freaking b/c I have no clue what anything was on the screen.
DR told me that my tube is not blocked (hooray!) but my tube is kind of funky shaped. My uterus is bowed at the top, which he does not forsee as a problem, but the funky tube might be. He said we will do 3 injectable cycles with TI and then if I am not pregnant do a LAP on the tube, so maybe he can straighten it out. My tube is like a L, but should be like a J. If you can see what I mean.
He also added after all this, that he thinks I will be pregnant in the next 3 cycle maybe even this cycle. How can he be so optimistic? I wish I was more optmistic. I just felt like this is one more hurdle I have to worry about. I hate that feeling.
I hope he is right, I want a baby so badly. Afterwards I cried in the bathroom with my MOM, I am so scared this is not going to work and I will need surgery. I just can not get my hopes up to have them crushed, which is what has happened the last few cycles.
I hate that I am so bitter but I am. DH and I had a fight last night about the what ifs, and if IVF comes to be our future what would we do and he is staying on his NO WAY NOT DOING IT WE DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY routine. Which upsets me. I know he is supportive of all this but is tired that I am so upset all the time and that I feel if DD is our only child it will feel like the end of the world for me.
I know what you are thinking I should be happy! NO BLOCKED TUBES, but all I feel is saddness and stress.
Oh and today is our 4th anniversary and I do not feel celebrating, I am so emotionally drained.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Meds arrived...
Well went I for a baseline u/s and I found out I had a cyst. Thought for sure the cycle would be cancelled and I sat in the waiting room for the nburse to call me back to the office in almost tears. I held it together, thank goodness. Well the good news is they are letting me proceed, b/c the cyst was only a 16 (needs to be 20 or higher to be cancelled)whatever a 16 means.
I start my follistim tomorrow, bad news is if the cyst is still there on friday and gets any bigger, the cycle will be cancelled. Even though I start the shots. HSG still scheduled for thursday and next week I need tog et another PAP smear, b/c my one in May came back abnormal. I was never told. I was so upset. So the nurse plans to talk to my OB/GYN (who I love just alittle upset with now) and see if they shoudl repeat it next week or wait the 6 months, which would bring me to Nov. They also want to retest me for ureaplasma, b/c I tested positive for that back in 2004 and both Dh and I were treated. This is all before I got pregnant with DD. I am praying for clear tubes and a cyst that will go away!
I also got a invite for a baby shower today for Dh's cousin, who we did not know was even pregnant. I do not want to go especially since it is when Af is due this cycle. I need to find an excuse.
I start my follistim tomorrow, bad news is if the cyst is still there on friday and gets any bigger, the cycle will be cancelled. Even though I start the shots. HSG still scheduled for thursday and next week I need tog et another PAP smear, b/c my one in May came back abnormal. I was never told. I was so upset. So the nurse plans to talk to my OB/GYN (who I love just alittle upset with now) and see if they shoudl repeat it next week or wait the 6 months, which would bring me to Nov. They also want to retest me for ureaplasma, b/c I tested positive for that back in 2004 and both Dh and I were treated. This is all before I got pregnant with DD. I am praying for clear tubes and a cyst that will go away!
I also got a invite for a baby shower today for Dh's cousin, who we did not know was even pregnant. I do not want to go especially since it is when Af is due this cycle. I need to find an excuse.
Monday, August 25, 2008
UPDATE...
Well AF came 1 hour after I posted. I cried, of course I knew it was coming but kowing I was NOT pregnant really upset me.
Is this ever going to happen for me?
So this week I will be starting my follistim, on wednesday. I have my baseline tomorrow and my HSG on thursday (my anniversary) which if it comes back bad I guess we will be staying home from dinner. Then my first follie check on friday, b/c of the holiday weekend.
I just want to be pregnant already, I hate this rollercoaster. I am praying my tube is open, totally feel sick over it, b/c that will make or break us at this point.
So life is just BLAH.
Is this ever going to happen for me?
So this week I will be starting my follistim, on wednesday. I have my baseline tomorrow and my HSG on thursday (my anniversary) which if it comes back bad I guess we will be staying home from dinner. Then my first follie check on friday, b/c of the holiday weekend.
I just want to be pregnant already, I hate this rollercoaster. I am praying my tube is open, totally feel sick over it, b/c that will make or break us at this point.
So life is just BLAH.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Update on appt...
Well it went well, I told him about my temp drop and of course he said "well you never know it might go up tomorrow" nice of you to say but nope once it drops Af comes within 25-48 hours.
I will be starting Follistim and doing HCG shots (trigger and boosters) and progestrone. Maybe this will be my magic combo.
He also wants me to do a HSG. he said he did not see a need for it but for peace of mind for me and him to know it is clear, they will do one, now this is going to be a struggle b/c the time frame in which they would do this will fall on labor day weekend. we were suppost to go away but DH has to work now and I was going to go alone but decided I would stay close, since I am starting a new drug and need to stay close to the DR just in case something happens. I am praying we can get this in and everything gopes smoothly. I thought I was going to cry a few times during my appt. but I held it together, when i was waiting for the DR to come in the room, I kept thinking I can not beleive it came to this.
He also told me in his experience and with my history he thinks my chances of conceiving with 3 months on jusy follistim and TI are 50% to 70%. he also asked how I feel about twins, I told him I was fine with it, he said that will determine how agressive they go, they try to keep it in the singleton range but if I do have 3 follies (by chance) and I am OK with twins they would not cancel the cycle, however it I had 4 or more follies they would cancel. They montior more often in my cycle on follistim and will be making sure multiples are a slim chance (if we got twins I would be fine - actually happy).
So there you are, my next cycle plan. Praying my tube is open and the follistim works and everything goes well. I just want this to work. I want to hold a healthy baby in my arms and feel the baby kicking inside me. I dream of Avery holding her younger sibling, I HOPE this works for us, b/c if it doesn't I do not know how I am going to handle it.
Well I will not be back on until Monday, for we are going away this weekend. I may try to get near a wireless comnnection to update on when AF arrives.
Hope everyone has a nice weekend.
I will be starting Follistim and doing HCG shots (trigger and boosters) and progestrone. Maybe this will be my magic combo.
He also wants me to do a HSG. he said he did not see a need for it but for peace of mind for me and him to know it is clear, they will do one, now this is going to be a struggle b/c the time frame in which they would do this will fall on labor day weekend. we were suppost to go away but DH has to work now and I was going to go alone but decided I would stay close, since I am starting a new drug and need to stay close to the DR just in case something happens. I am praying we can get this in and everything gopes smoothly. I thought I was going to cry a few times during my appt. but I held it together, when i was waiting for the DR to come in the room, I kept thinking I can not beleive it came to this.
He also told me in his experience and with my history he thinks my chances of conceiving with 3 months on jusy follistim and TI are 50% to 70%. he also asked how I feel about twins, I told him I was fine with it, he said that will determine how agressive they go, they try to keep it in the singleton range but if I do have 3 follies (by chance) and I am OK with twins they would not cancel the cycle, however it I had 4 or more follies they would cancel. They montior more often in my cycle on follistim and will be making sure multiples are a slim chance (if we got twins I would be fine - actually happy).
So there you are, my next cycle plan. Praying my tube is open and the follistim works and everything goes well. I just want this to work. I want to hold a healthy baby in my arms and feel the baby kicking inside me. I dream of Avery holding her younger sibling, I HOPE this works for us, b/c if it doesn't I do not know how I am going to handle it.
Well I will not be back on until Monday, for we are going away this weekend. I may try to get near a wireless comnnection to update on when AF arrives.
Hope everyone has a nice weekend.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Nervous wreck today...
I am so terrified that my tube is blocked.
I ahve my RE appt next week to discuss next steps and I know we will be doing injectables and probably a HSG. I am so nervous about the HSG and it is not even scheduled yet.
If my tube is blocked, I am not sure what we will do, We have no IF coverage so IVF would probably not happen. It sucks that I have to think this way.
I go back an forth on this, I did not have a c-section with my DD and I have had no infections since having her, what else could cause it to block?
I cried twice about this today. I hate the what ifs. I just wish I knew the whole story and how to fix it and be able to fix it and be done with a baby in my arms.
I ahve my RE appt next week to discuss next steps and I know we will be doing injectables and probably a HSG. I am so nervous about the HSG and it is not even scheduled yet.
If my tube is blocked, I am not sure what we will do, We have no IF coverage so IVF would probably not happen. It sucks that I have to think this way.
I go back an forth on this, I did not have a c-section with my DD and I have had no infections since having her, what else could cause it to block?
I cried twice about this today. I hate the what ifs. I just wish I knew the whole story and how to fix it and be able to fix it and be done with a baby in my arms.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
I am NOT a morning person...
why is it that follie checks at my DRs office are always at 7:30 in the morning? Don't they know I am NOT a morning person. But getting up to go get my b/w and u/s is easier when I am a planner and need to know what is going on with my body. But still I drag myself out of bed as it is, when I stick DD in the car with her pajamas on with her yelling at me, NO MOMMY I WANT TO SLEEP (I guess I rubbed off on her with the morning stuff). I am willing to get out of bed for a follie check b/c I need ot know what is happneing. But for some reason this monring it was harder then normal.
Well, this cycle we only have 1 follie (in the last two cycle we have had 2 follies) it was a big one, so maybe I will O 1 day earlier then normal, so at least GOD was listening a little about me wanting to O earlier then normal. I trigger tonight and then the sex fest will begin. I will be honest I was a little disappointed in only having one follie b/c that means less targets but the nurse said before I left, maybe that follie is my lucky one.
Well, this cycle we only have 1 follie (in the last two cycle we have had 2 follies) it was a big one, so maybe I will O 1 day earlier then normal, so at least GOD was listening a little about me wanting to O earlier then normal. I trigger tonight and then the sex fest will begin. I will be honest I was a little disappointed in only having one follie b/c that means less targets but the nurse said before I left, maybe that follie is my lucky one.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
follie check tomorrow
I have my follie check tomorrow, hoping for at least 2 follies at a good size, I tried to ask GOD this morning if he could let me O early this cycle that would be good, I usually O on CD 16 I would LOVE to O on CD14 at least once in my life.
I am also reading Conquering Infertility and hoping to take away some peace with it. I also have been listening to my fertility affirmations on my MP3 player. Hoping that will calm me down.
I should start excercising again, I have stopped this summer, so doing it very sparingly. I am off schedule in the summer, my job is super slow and I do not have classes, there is not rhyme or reason to my day, maybe what I need to get back to a good frame of mind is for my schedule to be back on. The busier I am the more I follow a schedule and it works out good. No schedule my life seems to fall apart and I saty home and THINK too much.
One good thing happened this summer, I am pretty much caught up on listing all my inventory on ebay, I have 75 more items to list and then I am pretty much caught up. I want to stay on top of whatever I buy and get it listed right away. I need the money for IF treatment, we are saving and saving, anything I make is for treatment and if we end up not needing to do next cycle I will have little pot of money to pay down bills, which is what I planned on doing in the first place, oh well a baby is more important.
I am also reading Conquering Infertility and hoping to take away some peace with it. I also have been listening to my fertility affirmations on my MP3 player. Hoping that will calm me down.
I should start excercising again, I have stopped this summer, so doing it very sparingly. I am off schedule in the summer, my job is super slow and I do not have classes, there is not rhyme or reason to my day, maybe what I need to get back to a good frame of mind is for my schedule to be back on. The busier I am the more I follow a schedule and it works out good. No schedule my life seems to fall apart and I saty home and THINK too much.
One good thing happened this summer, I am pretty much caught up on listing all my inventory on ebay, I have 75 more items to list and then I am pretty much caught up. I want to stay on top of whatever I buy and get it listed right away. I need the money for IF treatment, we are saving and saving, anything I make is for treatment and if we end up not needing to do next cycle I will have little pot of money to pay down bills, which is what I planned on doing in the first place, oh well a baby is more important.
Monday, August 4, 2008
heavy heart
Today I woke up with a heavy heart... I am scared. I am afraid that I will be heartbroken for the rest of my life. DD wanted to play dolls this morning, I played a little but then she called the dolls sisters and that shot right through me. I know she would make a great big sister and one of the things I am looking forward to is seeing her with her own sibiling and how much love she will shower over him or her. That all breaks my heart... I know you guys are probably tired of my whining, but I do not know how to feel any other way lately. I was hopful yesturday and today no so much, remember I hate rollercoasters.
My first follie check is on Wednesday, my ovary is achy which makes me think it is growing those follies.
Plus our SA comes back this week. Hoping for good numbers, actually I feel sick when I think about it.
I also get full of anxiety over paying out of pocket for treatment, there is so much more this money can be spent on, but that has been put on hold until we are blessed with a baby. I wish ebay woud pick up more b/c that is where our IF treatment money is coming from, my business, since our paychecks go towards hosueholds bills and we stick to a budget. DD starts school in Sept (2 days a week) and I planned on using ebay money to pay for that too... really hoping I am pregnant by then.
So much to think about and worry about, I hate how IF controls my life.
My first follie check is on Wednesday, my ovary is achy which makes me think it is growing those follies.
Plus our SA comes back this week. Hoping for good numbers, actually I feel sick when I think about it.
I also get full of anxiety over paying out of pocket for treatment, there is so much more this money can be spent on, but that has been put on hold until we are blessed with a baby. I wish ebay woud pick up more b/c that is where our IF treatment money is coming from, my business, since our paychecks go towards hosueholds bills and we stick to a budget. DD starts school in Sept (2 days a week) and I planned on using ebay money to pay for that too... really hoping I am pregnant by then.
So much to think about and worry about, I hate how IF controls my life.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
I have my moments...
of HOPEFULNESS! Today was one of them, I feel that someday I will be pregnant and it will happen, but my impatientness (is that a word?) with this process makes me worried that it will not happen at all...
When I am out of my house doing things and busy, I do not think that much about it, it may creep in when I am driving or seeing those pregnant bellies and newborn babies but for the most part when I am out and about I am hopeful.
It all changes when I am home. When I am home I am in a constant state of anxiety. Start to feel depressed this may never happen for us again and worry over everthing. When this happens I start GOOGLEING and reading message boards which sucks me right in and adds to my depression. Those boards are great resources for support (I totally feel that way) but sometimes when I read about so many people struggling with #1 or even #2 I get depressed and my own HOPE goes right out the door. I think I may need to stay away from message boards for a while. I will check in but not spend hours reading posts and I also need to stay away from GOGGLE, that is the death of me.
I pray everyday, GOD will bring us another bundle of JOY, hoping it is sooner rather then later.
When I am out of my house doing things and busy, I do not think that much about it, it may creep in when I am driving or seeing those pregnant bellies and newborn babies but for the most part when I am out and about I am hopeful.
It all changes when I am home. When I am home I am in a constant state of anxiety. Start to feel depressed this may never happen for us again and worry over everthing. When this happens I start GOOGLEING and reading message boards which sucks me right in and adds to my depression. Those boards are great resources for support (I totally feel that way) but sometimes when I read about so many people struggling with #1 or even #2 I get depressed and my own HOPE goes right out the door. I think I may need to stay away from message boards for a while. I will check in but not spend hours reading posts and I also need to stay away from GOGGLE, that is the death of me.
I pray everyday, GOD will bring us another bundle of JOY, hoping it is sooner rather then later.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Is this how people define us???
I was watching the news this morning and something caught my attention...
The first story the reporter said Father of 7 pulls gun on son, I thought OK how does that guy get 7 kids when someone do not have one or like me 2. I would never do that to DD, I hardly ever yell at her. SO I am getting dressed they are doing the story, then the next story comes on...
Mother of 2 get hit by a car... My head started spinning, is this how society defines us, Mother of 2, Father of 7... Why could they not have said, Man pulls gun on Son or Women gets struck by the car. I know they are trying to make the story more personable, but come on. Are they going to say for a childless women, childless women gets hit by a car, or infertile women gets robbed, NOPE.
I am not sure why this bothered me so much (maybe it was the back to back stories starting out the same way - Maybe it's the drugs), for I can be defined that way too, and like it, Mother of One, but I would perfer Mother of 2. But there are other things that define me too, wife, daughter, sister, counselor, student, business women.
After the two stories and I started to think about what happens if we can not have more children, are we always going to be the couple who could not have more children but wanted them desperately. I also started to think about DD going to kindergarden and all the MOMs there with their toddlers and asking me why I do not have more, what will I say - I am broken? I recently read something the other day about a lady who wanted more children, they were only able to have one and sometimes she feels like others look at her like she was selfish for only having one child, when the truth was she could not have more... Will that be me? I did get to talk with a friend of mine at work today, I do not see her often for we are in different buildings, but it was nice to vent, at the beginning of the conversation, she said the dreaded, just stop and it will happen and at the end of my venting session, she told me she believes it will happen for us, just have HOPE. She only has one child, by choice and says she does think about what if we have another, even though she knows she will not have more her DHhad the big V, one is enough for her. She is making it work with one child, can I do that too and be at peace, I am not sure, because I think I would be filled with regret.
On a happier note, I got my Fertility Yoga DVD today and can not wait to try it. Maybe tonight maybe tomorrow but ASAP. I need so relaxing workouts and lved yoga i the past. Thanks Steph for the suggestion.
The first story the reporter said Father of 7 pulls gun on son, I thought OK how does that guy get 7 kids when someone do not have one or like me 2. I would never do that to DD, I hardly ever yell at her. SO I am getting dressed they are doing the story, then the next story comes on...
Mother of 2 get hit by a car... My head started spinning, is this how society defines us, Mother of 2, Father of 7... Why could they not have said, Man pulls gun on Son or Women gets struck by the car. I know they are trying to make the story more personable, but come on. Are they going to say for a childless women, childless women gets hit by a car, or infertile women gets robbed, NOPE.
I am not sure why this bothered me so much (maybe it was the back to back stories starting out the same way - Maybe it's the drugs), for I can be defined that way too, and like it, Mother of One, but I would perfer Mother of 2. But there are other things that define me too, wife, daughter, sister, counselor, student, business women.
After the two stories and I started to think about what happens if we can not have more children, are we always going to be the couple who could not have more children but wanted them desperately. I also started to think about DD going to kindergarden and all the MOMs there with their toddlers and asking me why I do not have more, what will I say - I am broken? I recently read something the other day about a lady who wanted more children, they were only able to have one and sometimes she feels like others look at her like she was selfish for only having one child, when the truth was she could not have more... Will that be me? I did get to talk with a friend of mine at work today, I do not see her often for we are in different buildings, but it was nice to vent, at the beginning of the conversation, she said the dreaded, just stop and it will happen and at the end of my venting session, she told me she believes it will happen for us, just have HOPE. She only has one child, by choice and says she does think about what if we have another, even though she knows she will not have more her DHhad the big V, one is enough for her. She is making it work with one child, can I do that too and be at peace, I am not sure, because I think I would be filled with regret.
On a happier note, I got my Fertility Yoga DVD today and can not wait to try it. Maybe tonight maybe tomorrow but ASAP. I need so relaxing workouts and lved yoga i the past. Thanks Steph for the suggestion.
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