Not happening this month...

I had acupuncture today, I did ask her about Cold uterus, I described a few things and while she was not totally convinced that I had cold uterus, and had no major comment about the fluttering I experience. She decided she would treat me for cold uterus anyways, we did our normal after O pins and then she agve me what she called (I believe) a moxie treatment, where she took this cigar looking thing, heated it and then put it on the top of my pins on my stomach area and heated them. Let me tell you it warmed me from the inside out and it felt soooo good. She also took my pulse, alot of people beleive their pulse can tell you if you are pregnant, mine was weak. I could tell she was trying to make me feel a little hope that she could be wrong, but her guess was NOPE. She asked a few questions about my next cycle and we talked about me asking if I could take some DHEA. I plan to ask that at my Dr. Appt.

I had a weird day today... I am soo tired and just emotionally drained. I am started to feel my turn will never come. I hate giving 100% to something just to fail over and over again. It sucks.

On a up note a friend of mine got her BFP today, I do not want to mention her name b/c she has not annouced yet... but she reads my blog and some others who read my blog know her, CONGRATS *** I am so happy for you. But I am going to be honest (Sorry ***) when she emailed me to tell me she got a + test, my first thought was, "that is never going to happen for me", I wish I was not so negative. But I am just feeling down about the process...

As for symptoms, only mild cramps and some pulling and pinching, no sore boobs, no feeling sick, I am tired but I have not been sleeping to well, b/c I can not breathe, so I am up several times a night taking my inhaler.

IF sucks.

One more day till my RE appt, and knwoing the next steps, maybe that is what i need to get excited.

Booster shots stink

Normally since my trigger was over 2 weeks ago I would be able to test by now, but since I had those two extra booster shots, the last being on Friday. I have to wait until beta time, which should be Saturday but she told me I could come in Monday. Which is good b/c I am suppost to go away or bad because now I have to wait until the weekend is over, AF is suppost to arrive on Friday. I am thinking at this point it will. I guess all my hope went out the window, I do not think clomid was good for me, I am ready to start injectables, which on Thursday I have an appointment with the RE to discuss next steps. I wish I could test and see a accurate result by now, at least I would know what to expect. I think if my temp goes down tomorrow, that would be my clue. The waiting stinks and so does the booster trigger shot that makes me not be able to test early.

On another note, my symptoms are much different this cycle...

I have not had as many cramps, just pulling and pinching. No real AF cramps, I usually get a (what I call) a Period pimple 3-5 days prior to Af showing, I usually get it on my chin, but last cycle no pimple on my chin it showed up on the side of my nose (that gave me some hope last cycle), as of today nothing. I am tired, but it could be the heat, we turned our a/c off. Also I am having back pain, I get mild back pain throughout my cycle but this is different, I feel like I have a cramp. Even thought my progestrone levels made me so excited I am feeling they might not be high enough.

None of the usual symptoms of AF, or I just be making up these aches and pains in my head.

I have acupunture appt tomorrow and I am planning on asking her more about COLD UTERUS, b/c my belly (where my uterus is) is always cold, even when I am hot, but above my belly button is warm. I check several times a day, crazy i know. Plus the fluttering I get worries me AF is on it's way.

Like I said before not holding out much hope this cycle, b/c clomid did not work for me all the other cycles why would it work now.

1 Year of TTCing...

Today is the day we started TTCing. My sister got married last year on august 11th, the next day I got my AF and DH and I decided we would go off BCP and see what happens, I was so excited to get started and thought I would definately be pregnant by DEC, well in sept I missed my AF and thought OH MY GOD I AM PREGNANT THE VERY FIRST MONTH, well nope that cycle ended up being, 6 weeks long. After that I decided if I wanted to be pregnant by Dec I would have to reread TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR FERTILITY and start charting again. Which I did I thought it would definately work out well this time. IN febuary I got another cyst on my only ovary and DR said she wantd to start treatment b/c I did not have much time (thanks alot) and we started Clomid in March, now here we are August and nothing. I hate IF and what it has done to my life, I hate having to take drugs to get pregnant, but unfortuately I have no choice, I would not O on time and my cycles would be so long. I am hoping that we will not have to do this another year b/c that would suck.

Nothing much going on...

I am however counting down to my August 21st appointment with the RE to discuss injectables. I am nervous and excited for this appointment, b/c maybe injectables are going to work for me (menaing a BFP) and we will probably schedule that HSG. Which makes me nervous beyond belief. I stress about that test b/c our future children are relying on my tube to be OPEN.

I have been trying to keep my mind off the 2WW, I am listing a ton on ebay and work is keeping me busy with packing our office for the remodel next week.

Oh and I do not think I will be peeing out my trigger this cycle either. because I am getting those two extra booster shots it wouod be pointless.

Going to Big GUY...

Meaning my RE DR. I had an appointment this morning for my cyst check and get my prescription for clomid. While there the nurse told me she wanted to make me an appointment with Dr. S to get started on the real stuff, meaning seeing if we needed a IUI or IVF. See my OB/GYN sent me to the RE nurse thinking I do a few montiored cycles of clomid and end up pregnant so I have not offically seen or met with the RE Dr., just spoke to him on the phone on weekends when I would have a follie check. So my appointment is August 21st. If everything pans out like the last few cycles, on August 23rd, will be my beta, maybe I can have them move it up. But with temp drops I would know if AF will arrive. I am not holding out much HOPE for this cycle, guess we will see.

So we made the appointment for the 21st, she said he will probably schedule a HSG, they did not do this initially b/c I had a baby in the last 3 years, but since I only have one tube, one ovary she said he will probably request one and start me on injectables next cycle. Now depending on DH's SA and my HSG will determine the plan on the IUI. She said she would rather me have TI b/c with a good SA we would not have to do IUI right away with injectables (we are assuming DH is fine) but if my tube is blocked we are screwed, being totally out of pocket. Even the injectables and IUI would suck, it would cost me over 2,000 just for a IUI cycle with injectables. So we are now praying DH's SA comes back normal and my HSG is clear and we can get pregnant on just injectables and TI. But in reality we are praying for a BFP this cycle so we do not have to go through all that. I know I am going to be a nervous wrack until DH's SA comes back and I have a HSG. Please pray for us, we do not need another curve ball in our lifes. Please pray we get good results on our tests and not have to spend alot to make this dream come true. I am hyper-ventilating at the thought of having all this medical debt, when we have so much other debt to pay off. Please keep us in your prayers.

Another day...

I woke up this morning not feeling any better, I am hoping as the day goes on I will feel better, I keep telling myself that This cycle failed move onto the next, but that is so hard, I think it is hard b/c the nurse told me it was a perfect cycle, so what went wrong? And will the next cycle be a failure too.

I am also having a problem with my Mom, she has always been my best friend and there for me but lately I feel like she does not get what I am going through and is judging my feelings. I told her I feel like a failure. She thinks I should just suck it up move on, be glad for Avery (which I am) and if it does not happen oh well, life goes on. While all this maybe true it is hard. I am surrounded by pregnant girls all day at my job and in my family. How can I not think about how much my body has failed me. Then I think about all the ladies who have been trying longer then me or with IVF and get sad for them too. It is not fair. I am at the point where I used to talk to my Mom all the time about this, b/c DH is laid back and thinks it will happen if it is meant to happen while she was my rock to lean on, I feel I can not lean anymore.

She is also the one who gives me my shots, since DH would pass out if he had to (no help there), I am thinking maybe I brought her too much into this situation and her giving me my shots has made her a part of this process and maybe I should stop doing that. I am thinking I have to figure out how to give myself the shots, which I think I could but they are in my butt, so that maybe a challenge. I do have a friend who would do it ( she is a MA), but she lives 30 mintues away, but if I can not do it myself maybe I will use her as a back up. Do you think I could do this myself, does anyone else give their shots in their butt themselves?

On a lighter note, I am taking DD to get her pictures taken at a new studio in our area. She has not had her pictured taken since Christmas and I try to do it again in the summer time. I am hoping she will allow me to curl her hair.

BAD DAY...

I cried most the day today... I am taking this cycle being over very hard. I am not sure why, I did have a slight good feeling as of Monday about this cycle and went to bed last night thinking tomorrow's temp will make or break the cycle. Seeing that low temp put me over the edge. I cried to my MOM this Morning when I dropped off DD and she gave me all the normal, it will happen when it is meant to be, Not the right time yet, it will happen and if it doesn't it is not the end of the world. This afternoon I cried to her again over the phone, she told to to buckel up and move on (not so motherly) and be grateful for what I have. AM I BEING MISUNDERSTOOD?? I am grateful for DD more then anything. My heart goes out to those without child who want them badly, I too want that again. After I settled down a bit, I POAS (b/c AF has yet to arrive) so I thought what the heck... BFN.

I also thought long and hard about the WHAT IFs. What if we are unable to have more children and as much as it breaks my heart to think about it, will I be OK? Will I be able to not regret having a sibling for DD? I mean we will be able to have more money for vacations and to spoil DD, but do I really want that? I want her to have someone to grow up with to share things with. I am not sure if I will be able to sit by and watch my friends and family have more kids and not feel the emptiness inside me? I do not want regrets but not having another child will bring huge regret to me, I know it will.

I also worry about all the money we could potentially spend on having another child worries me if the outcome is NO BABY. That sits in the back of my mind all the time. Will that regret creep back in when I pay that bill every month, spending money on something that never happened.

I am so sad lately, just plain sad. I am tried of being SAD, I want the old me back, but I have already moved too much forward with treatment it is hard to turn back. With every failed cycle I get deeper into feeling sad and negative about the whole thing. I want to be hopful again. When will that happen?

Down Slope...

I was on a high yesturday because of my b/w results but now the high is over and I am back on my way down. I can not believe how IF can do this to a person, one day excited of the possibility it may happen the next I am crying that I am probably not pregnant. It all started this AM when I getting ready, I found a pimple, while I do get these normally (usually before AF arrives I get one) it was small but upset me b/c this is usually the first sign that the cycle is over, no hope for me.

I know that sounds dumb, but it hit me like a ton of bricks, it is over. No chances this cycle.

The next blow my Aunt found out this AM she is having a GIRL. Her 2nd girl. Knowing this made it more real, she is actually pregnant and I am NOT pregnant. While this is good for them, less money they will have to spend on Baby stuff I am sad for me, all I want to do is spend money on baby stuff. IF sucks, how it can make your emotionals and thoughts on a rollercoaster ride.

I wish I know what the levels ment yesturday? I know my Progestrone should have been at least 15 and my estrogen at least a 100, but what do my levels mean. I know they mean nothing in the grand scheme of things but I hate the unknown and IF is so unknown.

Hard day and a story...

I am having one of those days , I want a baby so badly day. Watching Avery play with her baby dolls and be all Motherly to them, brought tears to my eyes. I want that BFP so I can once again take care of a baby. Those baby smells and sounds make my heart melt. I want that so badly and it is so hard to look at Avery and think it may never happen for us again. It breaks my heart. I truly believe not having more children would effect her life, in some way. Also having another child will effect her life as well. So either way our IF will be influencing her life. It is all overwhelming.

STORY (as promised)

We were at a Yard Sale yesturday (selling) and a lady asked my MOM what sizes the childrens clothes were, when my MOM answered she said to the lady "well how old are your children?" the lady almost jumped my MOM with hugs, saying thank you thank you for not syaing my grnadchildren, and she went on to tell my MOM she has 2, one boy and one girl twins that are 1 1/2. They went through IF. My MOM then started telling her about us and how we are having trouble. SO by this time I get the end of the conversation and the lady calls me over, tells me here entire IF story (took 16 years of trying, 1 IVF with donor eggs and she got her twins at the age of 48!!!) I congratulated her and told her that we are hoping not to move to IUI or IVF b/c of paying out of pocket but if it comes down to that IUI is all we can afford. She wished me well, gave me some tips on dealing with IF and told me if my RE's office is not working well to see her RE office. Now I did not know there was 2 RE's offices in my area, now I know. It was nice to see a success story, gives me hope since I am only 29. But it still scares the crap out of me, I am afraid it will never happen again for me.

RE's Office...

When you go into my RE's office there are two waiting areas, one for the GYNO patients and one for the IF patients. In a way I am glad there are two waiting rooms, b/c a lot of women actually bring there children to their GYNO appointment, never ever would I do that, Avery came with my once for a follie check (I had no choice almost all my family was on vacation and DH at work and BF was 45 mintues away) but she is 2 and has no idea what was going on all she cared about was the snack I handed her when we went into the u/s room, but I avoid taking her to appointments ever.

Anyways in the RE waiting area, all the ladies never talk or look at each other, not that I think it shoud be a huge bond fest but at least smile and say HI. On Monday morning it was especially busy, probably because of the holiday weekend, but we all sat there trying not to look at each other let alone talk to one another. Why is this, you would think IF would cause people to get some support from someone who has been through it IRL. But all I am looking for is a HELLO, you do not have to tell me your life story. I know I would not start the conversation with someone, but a smile and a hello would be nice. It just had me thinking how quiet people are about IF, we ladies sitting in that waiting room, we all know why we are there and even though our journeys are different it be nice to share it, but we all want to get our b/w, u/s and consult and get out. I have seen the same lady there twice, we must be on the same cycle Days, but never once would she even look at me. I did talk to one lady once when I was there, it was because she was in the u/s room and a camera was there and when she came out I asked her if she left her camera, she told me YES and took it and said they would not allow her to take pictures of her BIG moment, yes she just found out she was pregnant and was there for the first u/s, so is that what it takes to get someone to smile or even say hello to you, getting pregnant. Even though I do understand, Monday when I was there and found out my lining was a 6, I did not want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to get to the car and cry. I do not know if this post makes any sense, I just needed to get this observation off my chest.

On another note, one more day of BDing... Then the 2WW offically begins, I am really nervous that this might NOT be our month. But I guess we will see. Plus my BUTT hurts, last cycle when I had the trigger shot I do not remember it hurting this much the next day, maybe my MOM got the needle deeper then my sister did last cycle, who knows.

I also had a slight feeling to POAS today just to see those two lines, I LOVE those two lines, just want them to be REAL two lines. I am not sure if I will pee out my trigger this cycle, probably will end up doing it b/c I have a ton of cheapie HPTs laying around. But maybe I should hold back, b/c I am getting the two extra trigger shots.

Hope everyone is well.

Saw Dh's Sperm

I had my post coital test today, we actually were able to have sex this AM, was worried it would not happen b/c as soon as one of us gets up DD is usually up too.

So I go in for my test and she actually shows me my stretchy EWCM, I could not believe it looked like that! I always check my CM and never ever seen it stretchy or EW it is always watery, so I was so excited that I actually have EWCM! may skip the entire tube of preseed this cycle.

So after the Post Coital procedure, I got my b/w done and went in for the u/s, I had a 21 follie and a 17 maybe 18 follie, which I guess could grow more. I did not pay much attention to the second follie just the first one, b/c they said that would be the one that would definately release. Plus my lining went from a 6 to an 8!!!! I was so excited, but it gets better, the nurse then showed my the post coital slides on the microscope, it was so cool! All the sperm was swimming through my CM with ease, except one sperm which was swimming in circles, chasing it's tail, which I thought was cute to see, knowing that sperm was the bad sperm. Poor one little sperm. I just kept thinking WOW WOW WOW, this is so neat to see. Afterwards the one techantion said to me "are you the proud owner of those guys" I said "yes I am" The RE Nurse told me that was the best post coital test she has seen in weeks, but not to tell my DH that it was SUPER b/c he may change his mind on the SA, which she does need for next cycle.

So I trigger tonight, go back on Monday for b/w and another shot and then we are off. BD fest for the next two days. I also had acupuncture today! I actually feel asleep, which hardly ever happens. PRAYING this cycle works out well.

I did end up telling DH his sperm pasted the test with flying colors, but they still need that SA, he says "but I have super sperm" I gave him a look then he said "I will work on getting the SA in I know I know" I also told him about the one sperm that swam in circles and he called it his one drunk sperm. Only he would say this.

When we conceived DD he said the same thing I have super sperm, guess he is not modest.

All in all it was a better day then yesturday! I hate the ups and downs of IF it sucks, but when you have good days it feels so good.

EDD

Well, here it is, we started TTCing in August 2007, I went off the pill, got my period, started trying but did not O for two months. We I finally got ready to O the DR did not want us to have sex b/c it is a really late O and poor quality egg, of course we did not listen. If I would have gotten pregnant that month I would have been due this week. So all the ladies who got pregnant during our first cycle TTCing are having their babies now. So sad. I realized this morning, that even though we knew we would not get pregnant right away (we did not get pregnant right away with DD) but thought it may be faster this time around, nope. So here I am trying to see the bright side, but I can not find any.

Will I get through it???

I have been cleaning like a manic, I have over 35 people coming tomorrow for our 4th of July picnic. I am excited to entertain because we do not do it often. Plus there will be people here that have never been here since we moved in. I hope everything goes smoothly. I still have to finish cleaning and go food shopping, and make the food all tonight!!! DH has a lot yard stuff to get ready too. Talk about a last minute couple.

I also do not know how I will handle tomorrow, one of my family members that is coming is pregnant. I have not seen her in over a month and just seeing her belly grow is going to make me sad. I want that so badly, and while I am happy for them, they deserve another baby (just like everyone else) I wish it was me that got pregnant easily and not have to go through all the appointments and hormones etc. Why can I not get pregnant.

I know I will get over it once she arrives, but that does not mean that I will be upset for me. I am upset for me.

Then on Saturday I have another picnic at my SILs and there probably will be a girl there who is pregnant with her second, I will be surrounded by them! I just have to get through this weekend and Monday will be my first follie check, hoping for at least 2 good follies this cycle. I only had one great follie last cycle. I hate wishing days away but that is how I live right now. Hoping for the next check up with the DR, b/w or u/s.

This morning I was cleaning up toys downstairs in our REC Room and saw some peek a boo blocks that Avery loves still, and thought someday I will have to put these away and no other baby of mine will ever play with them. I know I have to stop thinking that way, I WILL have a baby one day we hope, but that is how my mind works. It seems so impossible... I need to be more positive.

June 1st...

This is the month that we get pregnant, I am going to try really hard not to stress about it and just do our best to have great timing, have fun and not worry about it anymore. This is how I feel today, hoping this carries on to the rest of the month.

As my Mom says " positivity breeds positivity"

Ladybugs...

I love ladybugs... I have a ladybug tatoo and my Daughters nursery theme was pink ladybugs...

Ladybugs bring Good Luck and I guess I have always been attached to that somehow. Evertime I see one I think to myself guess I am in for some good luck.

The other morning I found several ladybugs on a bush out front, it made me smile. Maybe my luck is turning around. Then when I got home a noticed something else, tiny tiny black bugs in all the leaves, at first I was freaked out, thought OMG my Dh has to trim the bushes to get rid of the bugs or spray. So I went on the internet to find out what these bugs are. They turned out to be ladybug larve. So the irony is that my good luck, feel good symbol is now reproducing and I can not. Of course every things in my life reverts back to TTCing.

Is that what happens when people TTC?

Two people with whom I am close to have changed their relationships with their husbands while TTCing. I will call them A & B.

A & B both got married and wanted to start a family right away.

A tried for 1 year only to find out she had IF. One month after her lap (I believe that is what she had done) her and her H separated and eventually got divorced. 1 year after getting married.

B started trying but started having marital problems she says has turned into abusive relationship and ended up having an affair, they had been married only 9 months and yes 9 months of TTCing.

Of course there is more issues to this besides TTCing. A says her H was not there for her when she needed him and showed her no affection and B also said her H was abusive and her self esteem as been so low it made her turn to another man.

Is this what happens to couples who have trouble TTCing?

I feel lucky my DH is supportive of me, even during my craziness and obsessive calendar watching.

My heart hurts for these two close people in my life. I know deep down it is more then the TTCing part that caused these couples to not work out, but it makes me scared this will end up happening to me.

I often wonder will DH decide he had enough and leave me or not want to TTC anymore, because of the stress? I would be heart borken if we can not have another child. Also will DH stick to his guns about NO intervention such as a IUI or IVF b/c of the cost when it is time to decide on these things and again break my heart? Will this cause a problem in our relationship??

Now that my medicated cycle is starting tomorrow, I am scared that if this does not work for us, we also may end up like the two people I am close to. I highly doubt it but worrying is my nature.

update on me...

1. Af arrived right on time, sunday. I took it well, not like last cycle where I wanted to just punch everyone I saw. I think I knew by my progestrone test that pregnancy was not possible.

2. Spend a nice little weekend with my family at the beach, did ALOT of yard saling and consignment shopping. We hit 30 yard sale on Saturday but did not find anything too wonderful.

3. Went back to work today and a client of mine that asked me back in Sept when DH and I were planning on having more children (of course I said we are trying) and she handed on a box of answer OPKs, oh if she only knew, I thanked her and said that I could not accept this gift and she insisted and added that what would she do with them? (FYI - I work with teenage parents). I feel guilty that I brought them home. Will pay her for them next time I see her. It was ONE uncomfortable session today.

4. Realized today that not only am I behind on bills but also my listing on EBAY - got to get in the swing of things again!

5. Called RE today to let them know AF arrived and never heard back, tomorrow is CD4 and I start clomid on CD5. Hoping they call me back again tomorrow.

6. Drank caffeine today - cardinal sin in the TTC world, I have not had a Dunkin Donuts Vanilla Chai in over 7 months, needed one today. So I enjoyed and will not enjoy until my next baby is born, when ever that will be.

I am stupid...

I Peed on a Stick, I know stupid. It of course was negative. I knew this going in, but again that glimmer of HOPE creeped in. I am currently 11DPO and it was a stark white area.

While I feel very sad about it and frustrated I do have to move onto another medicated cycle, I am sorts relieved b/c now I know and can try to be a peace with it.

TTCing is so disappointing.

Do pineapple or NO pineapple...

The core that is, for the lasy 4 cycles I have eaten fresh pineapple (split in 5 pieces with core in) for 5 days after Oing. Then today I asked my TTC friends to double check my CHART on the message boards to make sure I did O. Well most said I did. So I went out to get my pineapple. Then I got a few messages of conflicting information about pineapple. Tell me which is TRUE

#1: fresh pineapple with core for 5 days after Oing, helps with impantation
#2: fresh pineapple during 2ww, can cause uterine contractions and hider implantion

If #2 is true the I sabatoged my last 4 cycles with the fresh pineapple. Help!

WEEKEND...

I usually post everyday, but this weekend was BUSY.

Saturday my DH graduated from plumbing school, and got his license. It was a long 4 years. He also got a award for being the best student in his class. He never studied or even brought his books into the house (they are actually in the garage) and still he had the highest grades. We are so proud of him.

Sunday, Mother's Day, nothing special just saw my IL and my parents and my Dad's side of the family. I went to church that AM and my uncle (the one that is expecting in Dec) asked how the TTC journey is going or course I told him. Every detail. I wanted him to know not everyone can get knocked up just like that and that if we do a IUI it will ALL be out of pocket. This was my way of saying DO NOT TAKE THIS FOR GRANTED.

Other then that I Oed on Mother's Day we got the +OPK and then this AM my temp rose which means I Oed yesturday, thank god we got the romp in the sheets in. Either I caught the tail en d of my surge or missed the beginning of the surge the day before. Sometimes I do get 2 OPKs in a row.

Crazy, now back to normal - what ever that is.