Grateful

I am so grateful for so many things in my life, but when I am down like I have been for the last week, it is harder and harder to get that sense of gratefulness back.

I love my Daughter (sometimes more then my DH - SHHHHH!) I can not see life without her. She is a miracle baby to me. Even though we were always told we would not conceive without medical help b/c of my condition and past history, we were able to. I remember having the appt with the RE and calling to cancel b/c I got a positive pregnancy test. Relief in so many ways. Throughtout my pregnancy I did not complain once, not once! I was so grateful to have that baby. I did not care how I looked or felt I was just gushing.

The day she was born (bad labor story - will tell at sometime later) all the pain was worth it, at the moment they laid her on me, I was instantly in LOVE. I was on such a HIGH, I knew at that moment what my purpose in life was, it was to be her Mother, I have always wanted 3 children and now am afraid Avery will be my only one. That thought is so heartbreaking.

Avery told me yesturday out of the blue (remember she is 2 1/2) that I am her best friend, while that made me so happy to hear it also broken my heart. Is that how it is going to be the rest of my life, just her and I.

I told my Mom I had such confidence in these treatment, before this cycle, and for some reason that has all followen apart, maybe b/c we are getting closer to no more options, at least when I was on clomid I knew if it did not work we would move to injectables, but what is next? For us (according to DH) nothing, b/c he does not want to do IVF.

Maybe I feel this way b/c I have had a horrible past week. I need to get that HOPE back, I can still be guarded just want some HOPE.

I have read so many books out there about Secondary Infertility and they say women who have a positive experience with parenting take this struggle even harder. That is me. I love to parent.

Let me also say I am not jealous of people having #1 especially if it was a struggle for them. I am actually excited for them, my hairdresser just told me she is TTCing and I was excited for her. When people anncounce #2 that is where I get upset, with why can't that be me. Also having two fmaily members pregnant with #2 now does not help my sanity.

So back to topic, I am grateful to have my Daughter and feel so lucky to be her Mom. She is the greatest kid in the world.

Hard day and a story...

I am having one of those days , I want a baby so badly day. Watching Avery play with her baby dolls and be all Motherly to them, brought tears to my eyes. I want that BFP so I can once again take care of a baby. Those baby smells and sounds make my heart melt. I want that so badly and it is so hard to look at Avery and think it may never happen for us again. It breaks my heart. I truly believe not having more children would effect her life, in some way. Also having another child will effect her life as well. So either way our IF will be influencing her life. It is all overwhelming.

STORY (as promised)

We were at a Yard Sale yesturday (selling) and a lady asked my MOM what sizes the childrens clothes were, when my MOM answered she said to the lady "well how old are your children?" the lady almost jumped my MOM with hugs, saying thank you thank you for not syaing my grnadchildren, and she went on to tell my MOM she has 2, one boy and one girl twins that are 1 1/2. They went through IF. My MOM then started telling her about us and how we are having trouble. SO by this time I get the end of the conversation and the lady calls me over, tells me here entire IF story (took 16 years of trying, 1 IVF with donor eggs and she got her twins at the age of 48!!!) I congratulated her and told her that we are hoping not to move to IUI or IVF b/c of paying out of pocket but if it comes down to that IUI is all we can afford. She wished me well, gave me some tips on dealing with IF and told me if my RE's office is not working well to see her RE office. Now I did not know there was 2 RE's offices in my area, now I know. It was nice to see a success story, gives me hope since I am only 29. But it still scares the crap out of me, I am afraid it will never happen again for me.

Cinderella Died.

Now before you are confused, let me start my saying, my DD loves Disney Princesses... We got her two hermit crabs at the beach in June and she named them herself. Cindrella (purple shell) and Belle (cream shell) anyways this afternoon DH poked at Cinderella and she was limp. He told me in secret and I went to check, YES she died. Well I had to explain this to DD, but before the broke the news I called Pet Co to see if they had Small Hermit crabs, 1: hermit crabs should not be alone and 2: this was my back up plan if she cried about it I would offer to buy her a new one. So the convo went like this...

Me: Avery I need to tell you something, look at Mommy
Avery: (LOOKS AT MOMMY)
Me: cinderella got very sick and she is no longer eating and moving so we have to throw her away
Avery: Throw her away, WHY?
Me: well sweetie she died and that means we have to throw her away.
Avery: (CONFUSED)
Me: woudl you liek to say goodbye to Cinderella so we can throw her away?
Avery: Yes, (runs over to Cinderella who by this time is in a cup)
Me: say Goodbye to cinderella
Avery: Bye Bye Cinderella (waving and then turns and opens the trash can - my 1st thought is OH she was listening to me)
Me: OK bye cinderella
Avery: Can I get a NEW Cinderella, Belle needs a best friend
Me: Sure (my master plan was to do this but lets pretend it was her idea)

Happily we go to Pet Co, on the way there, Avery tells me that Cinderella is SAD that she was in the trash can, but she is sick. Belle needs a Friend, We are buying her Friends..

So in Pet Co we end up buying two extra small hermit crabs... She named them... Cinderella and Belle, when I reminded her Belle was still at home healthy and happy, she said she will name them Cindrella and Ariel.

So now we have 3 hermit crabs, Belle, Cinderella (#2) and Ariel... Now we need a bigger cage. They seem happy and I am happy we did not have major crying over this!

On the TTC front... Nothing new, cramping off and on, taking a warm shower if they get bad, trying to keep my uterus calm... I also spoke with a lady today that went through IF and IVF and you ill not believe her story... I will post that tomorrow.

what a day of almost tears...

Today was going well, I am still nervous about my FSH b/w tomorrow. I think this is my worst fear, my eggs being poor quality b/c I waited too long. I only have 1/2 the normal eggs to begin with, because of only having one ovary. I am mad at my ovary for giving up on me, produce more hormones dammit! I pray my FSH test comes back fine and we just have to deal with getting my progestrone and estrogen back to normal after I O. Please let that be the only problem.

I was almost in tears today... but since I was in public I could not cry. I go to work everyday and see cleints who are either pregnant or parenting and are teenagers and I never get upset, maybe after 8 years I am immune Yesturday (the day AF started) I held two babies who were only both a little bit over a month old, I never got sad, just alittle "woe is me".

Now today I went to the salon b/c I needed a hair cut, my hair was growing out in weird way and I could no longer wait for July 14th at my normal appointment. Thank goodness my stylist could get my in. So DD and I went to get our hair cut (her just a bang trim) and we were waiting in our seats having a good old time when a employee came in with her two little girls ( one was born after DD and the other just 3 weeks old) of course she sat the car seat with the baby in it next to my seat to talk to one of the stylists. DD of course pointed at the baby and got all excited... Here is how the convo went...

DD: Cute baby MAMA
Me: yes she is
DD: I like the baby
Me: do you
DD: yes, can we have the baby
Me: no she belongs to her Mommy and she would miss her mommy
DD: Can you get me a baby?
Me Maybe someday
DD: I want Mommy to have a baby too.
Me: me too (tears were forming)
DD: I like that baby
Hairdresser: ladies it is your turn
Me: (saved)

Now I know my 2 1/2 year old does not understand about where babies come from and in her mind she probably thinks we just go buy one, but the fact she loves babies and wants to bring one home with us, breaks my heart. I pray she will be a big sister someday, because she would make a GREAT big sister. I just hope we are not both broken hearted in the process.

CONFESSION...

AF has still not arrived, but my temps dropped again, not below the cover but low enough to say this cycle is offically over. I wish AF would get here so I can move on with my life...

ON TO THE CONFESSION...

When we started TTCing DD was not 2 yet. Now she is 2 1/2 and still likes her pacifier, has diapers and sleeps with us. While we are TTC I thought I would let her be a baby as long as possible and start elimating those things when I got pregnant, which I thought would be by now. So here I am with a 2 1/2 year old that I a afraid of letting her grow up. Getting rid of the nuk, sleeping in her own bed (which I like her sleeping with us, not good for TTCing though) and changing diapers is OK with me, but I relaize she is getting older and all the changes in these things are going be a struggle, because she is beyond attached to her nuk, has no interest in the potty (did last sumer for about a week) and loves to snuggle with us at night (scared of her bed). I never pushed the issue because I thought I would have leverage when I got pregnant. Avery loves babies, she always asks me for a baby (now I am crying) and I always thought if I say we can give the new baby your nuks, big sister sleeps in her own bed and baby needs your diapers that we could do this and it would work out. But here I am without child in me and heart broken she maybe my last baby, and now I have to think long and hard about when I will start changing her life with things that makes her my baby. Now it would be nice to not change toddler diapers anymore, but it is bitter sweet.

Oh Saturday...

Saturday was a whirlwind, we had a family picnic today and all I could think of is am I ever going to have another baby. Seeing all the kids running around playing made me sad. Watching Avery play with all the "bigger" kids and trying to keep up with them made me sad, she is getting so big and independent. She is not my baby anymore, but always will be in my heart...

I did cry a bit today b/c I was thinking if something happens to Dh or I now or in the future she is not going to have any siblings to comfort her and that makes me sad.

I am thinking of calling the DR and getting my beta moved up, but I know I will chicken out, I just want to move forward, fresh new cycle or fresh new pregnany. All this waiting is hard.

I am having pains in my side, like in the hip area and sometimes they go toward my right ovary (only one I have) and slight cramps which makes me think AF IS coming. But I wish the pains wouold go away b/c it is worrying me I get cysts easily.