Starting over...

I just realized today that I am starting a fresh cycle, I am already on CD7 but the overwhelming sense of craziness just creeped back in.

I have been temping since CD1, which is very hard to me to give up, I need to know when I O. However all the planning I do during the cycle with BDing and using OPKs is just overwhelming for me to think I have to do this AGAIN????

I one point I thought maybe I will just give up. I feel at this point it is a loss cause b/c we have no IF insurance and will be paying out of pocket for everything, do have have the courage to put all my money into the faith this will happen for us, I am not sure.

I tried so hard not to cry today, especially when my Mom told me my Daughter told her that she missed me. Which made me realize maybe I should be at home instead of working. Maybe I am missing too much.

SEMESTER IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This semester has been nothing but crazy busy, I had like 5 projects, mostly in groups with others. It was hard with scheduling and such.

Tonight was the last class, no final exam. Thank goodness, I thought I was about to go insane and threatened to quit several times.

Now to school until end of August! FREEDOM!

PS: I plan to start my Fall 08 Semester with a little baby in my belly ;)

This is how you deal...

I was at work today and saw a picture of myself from Sept. I looked huge. How did this happen??? I was a skinny size 8 when I got pregnant with my daughter and now three years later I am a FAT size 14, yes I just outted myself. I go to the GYM every other day and try to watch what I eat, this is hard when you have a family to feed. I thought I would concentrate on losing weight which might help in the TTC area. I am also still torn on going back to acupuncture. I thought I try one more cycle, but which the raising cost of EVERYTHING in this country I feel guilty keeping the appointments for this cycle. I mean that money could go towards something more important.

So after all this crazy thoughts today I went to McDonalds and got a $1.00 sundae, does that heal my depression at this moment, this is hard to believe but NOPE.

NO spring cleaning got done...

I started and all DD wanted to do was play so I played instead, Now my house is 1/2 messy and I am still in no mood to do anything.

I had a break down this AM again, it is hard.

SPRING CLEANING

I think I need to start spring cleaning my house and get rid of alot of stuff. I can either sell it on ebay or do a yard sale.

I think concentrating on getting my house back in order will do a lot for my Mood lately.

Wish me luck I have a lot to go through and get rid of.

I need to shake this feeling...

I am overwhelmingly sad today. I put way to much hope into this last cycle, even though I tried really hard not to. Going for the beta this morning knowing I was NOT pregnant was so frustrating, I even double checked to make sure this is the test they wanted because I am on CD2 of AF. Yep they wanted a beta and progestrone. I will be so mad if my P was low and they never supplemented me.

I picked up DD at my Mom's and just wanted to break down and cry, but I told myself I would not bring my Mom down with me. Even though as soon as I got home the flood gates opened. DD played quietly while I sat in the bedroom and lost it.

Why am I taking this so hard. I knew the chances of it workng the first cycle was rare.

This whole issue with us not being to afford IUIs and IVF is also getting to me. At least if we had coverage or made enough money I would have so hope, but right now I have none.

I feel so badly but everytime I look at DD it makes me sad that I will never have another little baby (this is how I feel at the moment) and me being this sad is not good for her.

I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous break down. What the hell do I do?

Also I am still torn about the acupuncture, money is the issue but I know I should keep going, especially since this cycle is unmedicated. I am lost.

I feel bad

I told my Mom I did not want to talk about TTCing with her anymore. I feel like I am dragging her along on my rollercoaster ride and hearing things like just relax and it will happen when it is meant to be, it just hard to hear and not very comforting. I have not hear from her since I emailed her about it, yes I emailed because I felt if I called her I would just cry like I did yesturday. She will probably be mad at me for it and want to still talk to me about it and it will be hard not to, but I have to it makes me more emotional to talk to her about it.

UPDATE: She is mad & suggested a therapist! Good Grief.

She's here

I have AF, I am completely numb...

This AM my temp went back up and I had my acupuncture appointment, she told me that my pulse was weak, when I asked her why, she said that could mean AF is no where near in sight. I felt great whne I left then when I got home BLAM, spotting then it got heavier after a hour. Guess I am out. I just want to retreat from the entire world.

Explain something to me...

My Dr's nurse called me today and asked me to repeat my Progesterone test and get a beta Friday. I explained to her that my tmep dropped this AM and my pregnancy test was neg. She said the DR said to come in friday and get more bloodwork done. I said again but I will get AF tomorrow or tonight. Then she said NO just come in for more testing. WTF???

I know the Beta will be neg, why do you have to put me through it. Also she does not want me on Clomid next cycle and will pick up the next cycle, but still go in for all my b/w next cycle. Well I tried to explain to her my DR Appt on 5/30 will be well into the cycle after next so unless that appt gets moved up I will not be able to do clomid that cycle. She said no just keep that appt. Again WTF???

I am so confused and upset. All I did all day was cry and I have not even seen RED yet.

My Mom again told me to relax it will happen. I do not know how I am going to handle it if 1. I have to sit by and watch all my family get BFPs and me still at a stand still and I am freading the day my sister tells me she is pregnant. It will be a huge reminder that I am having trouble. 2. if I have to live life without another child. I will be just heartbroken.

DH says it is not the end of the wrold if we do not have more. But to me it is.

Tested this Morning...

My temps dropped so stupid me decided to test and yes there was a BFN staring back at me. Of course this would happen because I had a tripathic chart. I get my hopes up a little bit only to be torn apart.

I Hate my Body and Hate the fact I am broken. I realize that I have not been at this as long as many of you but I have been through this before I got pregnant with DD and it is heartbreaking. I hate IF and how it is tearing my life apart.

I am also thinking of stopping acupucture. I want to hear about my Bloodwork, which by the way they have not called me yet about after 6 days. If my bloodwork is bad I may keep going. I just need to save money, b/c if we are headed for a IUI I need to save up b/c of insurance covers NOTHING (stupid insurance) so here I am a infertile women going off to work today to counsel pregnant teens about pregnancy and parenting, my life sucks.

I VOTED...

We are in PA.

All morning I was telling DD that we were going to VOTE before we go to my Mom's, she is 2 and she kept repeating boat? I think she thought we were going on a boat...Anyways we get to the polling place and we go into the booth, she wanted to push all the buttons and I told her at the end she can push the green button (the VOTE button) well I got done and she pushed the button for me and we went out of the booth and DD shouted with her hands in the air "I VOTED" all the little old ladies were laughing. I did not think she was listening to me all morning. Then we got in the car and she asked about the boat. I thought it was cute.

POPCORN

My daughter just discovered popcorn and loves it, I know giving a 2 year old popcorn is not the best idea.

Well she just learned that movies and popcorn go hand in hand.

Everytime I ask her if she wants to watch a movie (Disney Princess movies are big around here) she asks for popcorn. Well now she is learning to say movie and some popcorn please.

Maybe she thinks she can only have popcorn when a movie is on. ???

Busy day...

Of course my life is crazy! I got a lot done today and even got my workout in. I am 11DPO and temp is still up. I do not want to be too hopful just to be let down. Also I have not thought about POAS all day.

DO NOT POAS!!!!!!!!!!

My mini vacation was relaxing, I did not think of TTCing one time!

As soon as I walked in the door today all I could think of was Peeing on a Stick. I am only 10 days past Oing and had a urge. I do not want to see another BFN, so waiting for AF ro arrive. But then a girl on the nest got her BFP today at 10 days past Oing and I got the urge again...

I WILL NOT POAS!!!!!
I WILL NOT POAS!!!!!
I WILL NOT POAS!!!!!

Going to the BEACH!

We are going to my Mom's Beach house this weekend. I am excited to get away from all the craziness of TTCing. I had my acupucnture appointment today and she advised that if I am not pregnant this cycle to continue coming since I will not be on Clomid next cycle. I agreed, but deep down was hoping that I woud get my BFP this cycle so I can start to save some money.

Also hoping since I will be going away this weekend (will still temp in the AM) it will keep my mind off TTC b/c I will not have a computer at my side at all time. ***I look at my chart way too much***

See you all when I get back.

Another day...

Another day of going crazy, I must look at my chart a million times a day to figure out what it means. I broke down at my Mom's today she says I am putting too much into this and I should "RELAX" (I can see the readers cringing) and be grateful for my DD.

Don't get me wrong I am in LOVE with my DD and she makes me smile everyday, she is in her adorable stage where she is learning new words everyday. But I feel like something is missing, our family is not complete. She would make a great big sister. She loves babies, loves helping and is such a lovable little girl.

I hate that I am so down lately, I try not to show it to her.

DH has not been any better, I tried to talk to him about the conversation the other night and he did not want to talk about it, it was end of story.

I truely feel at this point this may never happen for us again. I do not want to be so negative but I can not seem to be positive. I feel if I have too much hope and be positive then I will be so disappointed when it is a BFN..

Wish this was easier.

If anyone is out there, let me know. Love to hear comments.

So upset today...

I do not know why but all day all I feel is that I may never have another child and this scares me. I knew the day I gave birth to DD my purpose in life was to be a Mom. I wish when I was a teenager I took better care of my fertility, maybe I would still have my ovary, rather then just one. I also do not think I coud stay at my job if I can not have more children, it would be too heart breaking, I work with pregnant teenagers. I guess my worry is coming from my and DH's conversation last night. I HATE feeling so on edge.

So stinkin upset...

Dh and I had a short talk tonight, basically he said that if we can not get BFP on our own, we are not turning to IUI or IVF. The chances of that happening are slim especially the IUI, but it upset me. He says he does not wnat to spend thousands of $$$ on getting pregnant. I am hoping if it comes down to this he will change his mind. I am so numb now.

Have so much to do today!

Let's see here goes (I will come back at the end of the day to check it off)

1. Straighten House (done)
2. Do my own wash
3. Do Avery's wash (1/2 done)
4. Fold DH's wash (I know I am in wash hell) (done)
5. Finish my school observation paper
6. Add onto my school resource list (1/2 done)
7. Start my school presentation on powerpoint (done with research doing tomorrow all day)
8. list some ebay (at least 15 items) (done)
9. fix my Palm Pilot
10. steam my bedroom (dog peed on the carpet yuck) (done)


Whewwwww I better get moving ASAP!

GUESS THERE IS ALWAYS TOMORROW

Fertility Friend moved my O date!

Thank goodness, maybe tomorrow it will move again. But I am happy with CD13.

Also if I do get pregnant this cycle I would be due on my DD's birthday. Crazy Huh!

I think to myself what are the chances and kinda feel like this cycle will be a bust, b/c I have been having cramps since O day, which ever day that was.

I do not believe it!

Fertility Friend says I am 3 days Past Ovulation I believe I just Oed yesturday, how could this be? All my other signs do not match. I am temped to go in and adjust my temps to see what happens, but I do not want to lie about it. Maybe the combo of the acupuncture and Clomid are giving higer then normal temps.

Here is my chart...

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/55726

Today was a good day!

It was nice out and Dh took DD to the playground and I joined them after my relaxing acupuncture appointment. Acupuncture was so nice today, I even relaxed so much I feel asleep, the price is alittle much but if I can fell like this everyday I will keep doing it. I got my +OPK today! So I should O tomorrow, which would be perfect. I am finally Oing normally!!! Hoping to get alot of baby dancing in so we can make this month our BFP month! Hoping tomorrow is just as good.

Little Helper...

my DD LOVES to help, she wanted to help my DH do the trash tonight, it was so cute, but why oh why does she not want to help me clean the toilet??

Long day...

Several things happened today.

I was on my way to class and called my Mom to check on DD, she asked how I was doing (she knows how emotional I have been on clomid) and I told her OK. She proceeded to say that my aunt (who just got her BFP) hs horrible morning sickness and I shoudl be glad I am not her rightnow. I told her I would give anything to have morning sickness right now I welcome it. I feel like she was trying to make me feel better but that was not the way.

So then I was waiting for my class to start, and started tlaking with a classmate. She said that she is strapped for money and thought of donating eggs, b/c at least she would know she was helping someone, that she was just nervous about all the drugs. Well me being the open book told her I was on Clomid and that i have had two side effects, emotional wreck and no appetite. She started asking about my problems and I was able to talk to someone who listened face to face. It was nice. She told me she had a friend who was having issues and understood my pain. That whole conversation put me in better spirits.

Auctiva...

This is a new program I am using for ebay. I think so far I like it. I am able to list at any time and schedule my listing without paying the extra fee. I need this since my time during prime time ebay time is limited. I plan to keep at this, but like any new thing you try it takes time to get used to. I know eventually it will be like me listing before automatic. I really need to get the momentum going.

I am really trying...

to be positive, I do not have that everything will work itself out in the end attitude. I was feeling so good about this cycle until the cycle actually started. I do not want to get excited over something that might now happen. I know I worry too much, character flaw.

Down the Hatch

Last Clomid Pill tonight!

Hoping for the best!

Lazy Sunday...

Well not really.

Today was Avery wants Daddy day, maybe it was because she did not spend too much time with him this week.

She wanted to read the paper with him, she asked him to make her eggies for breakfast and worried her little head off that something was wrong with Daddy when he went into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. So cute.

We also went to dinner with my In Laws for my birthday which was 1 month ago. We met my Sister In Laws new Boyfriend, she has only be divorced a 2 months, not offical yet.

New Chairs

I think I may take a trip to IKEA this week and get new chairs for my Living Room, maybe that would cheer me up.

I started crying at the GYM while on the treadmill, I was so embarrassed. Goodness I am lame.

Our TTC Cocktail...

Here is what I (we) do every cycle to come closer to OUR BFP.

1. Chart temp
2. Chart CM
3. Chart Cervix (no do rely on this since I am not sure what exactly it should be)
4. opks
5. timed sex (guess that is important)
6. Clomid (1st cycle 50mg)
7. Acupuncture (1st cycle)
8. pineapple core after O
9. Message boards for help & support
10. baby aspirin (started using for pain, now keeping it)
11. Prenatal vitamins
12. Preseed

Now I wonder why I am so burned out.

BFP

Just found out that my Aunt is pregnant, she is due in Dec. Part of me was sad it was not me and the other part was happy, good for them!

I am FAT...

Another vent of the day. I decided that I am FAT, I saw a picture of myself from EASTER and thought OMG I did not realize how BIG I am. I have a different picture in my mind. I am 5' 2" and 165 lbs, whewww got that out. I think I am going to hit the GYM more and start back on my reduced calorie diet. I hate today, I am having an OFF day. Maybe it is the Clomid kicking in.

Today I am bitter...

I am normally not bitter, just jealous. Today I was surfing my usual message boards and there was so many BFP in the last few days, I started to get mad. Why not me. We have great timing and I O every month, I want a BFP. Mostly I just want a baby. I am not normally like this like I said so maybe the Clomid is making my emotional.

I really wish I was Hopeful this cycle. I feel like if I feel too good about this cycle it will be a bigger let down b/c we actually took medication and did acupuncture, which by the way was amazing - can't wait to go back.

I look at DD and think I just want another little Avery. I am so grateful for her to be in my life.

My doggie dos.

That is what i call her, her name is PITA. So is the sweetest dog, to us. To everyone else she is a holy terror.

She hurt her leg last night and was limping all over the house. We have no clue how it happened. Well the enitre night she whinned and my DH was up with her most the night. This morning she is walking on it but whinning a little. I do not think it is broken but maybe a sprine. She used to do this all the time as a puppy. But soon after she would shake it off, but now that it is still happening in the AM we are not so sure. I should take her to the vet, but money is tight and it will cost me am arm and leg. I will wait till tomorrow and see how it is.

DD is very concerned about Pita's Booboo, she says Pita is sad.

Today is the day...

I am getting my acupuncture done. 1st appointment. I am so nervous but so excited!

Vacation

My Mom asked if I wanted to go to the beach house the weekend my sister goes away and my Mom has my nephew. Well anyways, at first I said yes, thensaid no I might not be able to. She asked why and I told her that if I Ovulate like I normally do I might not Ovulate by then and will have to stay home to get my deposit. Oh the life I lead.

It begins tonight...

I start my clomid tonight, I am nervous. But excited to get this party started! I also go for my first acupuncture treatment tomorrow, nervous about that too. Hoping #6 is our cycle, was last time. PLEASE LORD LET IT HAPPEN.