MOTIVATION

I have NONE today!

Ladybugs...

I love ladybugs... I have a ladybug tatoo and my Daughters nursery theme was pink ladybugs...

Ladybugs bring Good Luck and I guess I have always been attached to that somehow. Evertime I see one I think to myself guess I am in for some good luck.

The other morning I found several ladybugs on a bush out front, it made me smile. Maybe my luck is turning around. Then when I got home a noticed something else, tiny tiny black bugs in all the leaves, at first I was freaked out, thought OMG my Dh has to trim the bushes to get rid of the bugs or spray. So I went on the internet to find out what these bugs are. They turned out to be ladybug larve. So the irony is that my good luck, feel good symbol is now reproducing and I can not. Of course every things in my life reverts back to TTCing.

100TH Post, 100 things about me.

Here is 100 things about me for my 100th post, wow where does time go...

1. My name is Jennifer
2. I have blonde hair
3. right now my hair is red
4. my eyes are blue
5. I am 5' 1 1/2" tall
6. I am 10 pounds heavier then my prepregnancy weight (gave birth in Dec 2005)
7. I have a daughter (avery)
8. Avery is the Love of my Life
9. I love artichokes
10. I love pasta
11. I love seafood (especially clams)
12. I love red velvet cake
13. I have a dog (my first baby)
14. I drive a Jeep Liberty
15. I love the beach
16. I hate the sand
17. I do not swim in the ocean
18. however I do love the beach
19. my favorite movie is pretty women
20. I wear sunglasses even in the winter time
21. I love my husband for always being there for me, even when I act like a loon
22. My husband and I have been together for over 10 years
23. We will be married for 4 years in August
24. I am obsessed with temping (charting)
25. I sometimes find myself thinking maybe I am only meant to have one child (I get sad)
26. I sometimes find myself day dreaming over our next child (if that ever happens)
27. I have to read novels (I can read them in One day)
28. My favorite author is Jennifer Weiner
29. I hate working out
30. I try to go to the GYM every other day
31. My hands and feet are always cold
32. My hands and feet have not been cold since I started acupuncture
33. I only have one ovary
34. I had a tumor on my left ovary when I was 16
35. I collect Willow Tree Angels
36. I used to collect ELMOS (high school)
37. I have bad allergies
38. I have bad asthma
39. I work with teenage parents or parents to be.
40. I hate my hair
41. My hair is thin and lifeless
42. I never wear makeup
43. I do wear makeup to special events
44. my house is normally messy
45. I dread doing dishes
46. I dream of one day to have a cleaning lady
47. I want a healthy baby in the worst way
48. I cry when I get my period.
49. I love Cosmos
50. I like wine with dinner (not lately)
51. If I have a boy one day I like to name him Noah
52. We will never use the name Noah b/c DH hates it
53. I like ladybugs
54. I have a ladybug tatoo
55. I have a flower tatoo
56. I rather email people then talk on the phone
57. I love Vera Bradley
58. I am into VB's Mod Pink Floral Pattern now.
59. I wish we traveled more.
60. All the furniture in my house is from IKEA (NOT KIDDING)
61. My wedding theme was (HOPE FAITH & LOVE)
62. I shave my leggs every day (hate stubble)
63. I love gardens
64. I hate gardening
65. I sometimes let me daughter eat fruit snacks for breakfast (bad mommy)
66. I have my bachelors degree in psychology
67. I am currently getting my masters in School Counseling
68. I hate school (doing it for my job)
69. my engagement ring was picked out by me
70. My DH never offically proposed (just handed me the ring- how romantic)
71. I sell childrens clothes on EBAY
72. I am addicted to EBAY
73. I have only had cafferine once in the last 9 months (crazy I know)
74. My favorite cafferine drink is Dunkin Donuts Vanilla Chia
75. I love the childrens book "Guess how much i Love you"
76. I love to eat at fancy resturants
77. I am very close to my Mother
78. I used to own a Dog Treat Business
79. I was a cheerleader in high school
80. I love to dance
81. I can not leave my house without my wedding rings or I feel naked
82. I LOVE SHOPPING!
83. I had plastic surgery on my nose when I was 20.
84. I blow my nose really loud
85. I wish I cooked more
86. I hate rollercoasters
87. I am afraid of the falling sensation
88. calla lillies are my favorite flowers
89. I am nosy, I like to hear about what is going on in people's lives (the good and bad)
90. I sometimes wish I could be a Stay At Home Mom
91. I am grateful for my family
92. I hate doing wash
93. I am fine with folding the wash
94. My nails never grow
95. I wish I had long hair again
96. I am too impatient to grow out my hair
97. I worry too much about everything
98. I can go 6-7 months before balanacing my check book (not good)
99. TTCing is all I think about
100. In the last 5 years I have finally LIKED who I AM and accepted it.

The CAT is away the MICE will play

Dh has left for the weekend for a canoe trip. I will be home with DD for a girls weekend. We are going to eat all the things DH hates and watch girly movies (OK maybe just ones Avery can see) and Mommy is going to get a lot done around the house and MAYBE we will go shopping. DD loves dresses and she needs more PLAY dresses for outside, she spends most of her time during the day outside with my MOM. I have a feeling dresses are the only things she will want to put on this summer.

I went for my annual appointment today, My DR reassured me that she will still be over seeing my path towards conceiving and that my uterus and ovary looks great. She hopes that we will NOT have to turn to a IUI and I get my BFP soon. It was nice to hear she is rooting for me.

I started the Clomid last night and today I have a headache. Also does anyone have something I can take to increase my CM, is tussin still good for that? Will it interfere with my Clomid??
I have hardly any CM.

Pray for us that this is OUR cycle, I want to BFP so badly.

HOORAY!!!!!!!!

No cysts! That was the first internal u/s I ever had where NO cysts showed up, except for when I was pregnant. I was sooooo excited and I thanked the Lord a million times while dressing in the bathroom it almost brought me to tears, because i was sure there would be one, which would throw me off. She wants me back next Thursday for another u/s and a trigger shot if I need it, hoping I will NOT need it, but if I do then so be it.

It is warm and sunny today so I think I will play with my daughter outside, oh happy day.

*** Did you ever think you could be so excited about no cysts!

Home for lunch...

I came home for lunch because I did not want to go back to the office just to have to leave again to go do my ultrasound, which I am nervous about. It is my baseline u/s and I am afraid they will find cysts and our medicated cycle will be cancelled.

PRAYING NO CYSTS!!!!!

Tomorrow I have my annual so my good will be on full display twice in 24 hours, Oh goody :(

I also plan on printing out all my charts so the DR can see how screwy my cycles really are. Wish me luck.

Revealing myself.

I am thinking I may reveal myself... meaning posting a picture of me, maybe my DD. I am scared to do this, what if a friend of family member finds my blog and realizes how crazy I really am? Think I should do it? I love looking at BLOGs with pictures, it makes them more interesting, maybe I will start posting more pics in my blog. Maybe?

Is that what happens when people TTC?

Two people with whom I am close to have changed their relationships with their husbands while TTCing. I will call them A & B.

A & B both got married and wanted to start a family right away.

A tried for 1 year only to find out she had IF. One month after her lap (I believe that is what she had done) her and her H separated and eventually got divorced. 1 year after getting married.

B started trying but started having marital problems she says has turned into abusive relationship and ended up having an affair, they had been married only 9 months and yes 9 months of TTCing.

Of course there is more issues to this besides TTCing. A says her H was not there for her when she needed him and showed her no affection and B also said her H was abusive and her self esteem as been so low it made her turn to another man.

Is this what happens to couples who have trouble TTCing?

I feel lucky my DH is supportive of me, even during my craziness and obsessive calendar watching.

My heart hurts for these two close people in my life. I know deep down it is more then the TTCing part that caused these couples to not work out, but it makes me scared this will end up happening to me.

I often wonder will DH decide he had enough and leave me or not want to TTC anymore, because of the stress? I would be heart borken if we can not have another child. Also will DH stick to his guns about NO intervention such as a IUI or IVF b/c of the cost when it is time to decide on these things and again break my heart? Will this cause a problem in our relationship??

Now that my medicated cycle is starting tomorrow, I am scared that if this does not work for us, we also may end up like the two people I am close to. I highly doubt it but worrying is my nature.

update on me...

1. Af arrived right on time, sunday. I took it well, not like last cycle where I wanted to just punch everyone I saw. I think I knew by my progestrone test that pregnancy was not possible.

2. Spend a nice little weekend with my family at the beach, did ALOT of yard saling and consignment shopping. We hit 30 yard sale on Saturday but did not find anything too wonderful.

3. Went back to work today and a client of mine that asked me back in Sept when DH and I were planning on having more children (of course I said we are trying) and she handed on a box of answer OPKs, oh if she only knew, I thanked her and said that I could not accept this gift and she insisted and added that what would she do with them? (FYI - I work with teenage parents). I feel guilty that I brought them home. Will pay her for them next time I see her. It was ONE uncomfortable session today.

4. Realized today that not only am I behind on bills but also my listing on EBAY - got to get in the swing of things again!

5. Called RE today to let them know AF arrived and never heard back, tomorrow is CD4 and I start clomid on CD5. Hoping they call me back again tomorrow.

6. Drank caffeine today - cardinal sin in the TTC world, I have not had a Dunkin Donuts Vanilla Chai in over 7 months, needed one today. So I enjoyed and will not enjoy until my next baby is born, when ever that will be.

Just waiting...

For AF to arrive. I took another HPT today, knowing full well of the outcome (guess a girl could dream) and of course NEG.

We are going away for the weekend, and hopfully that will keep my mind off NOT being pregnant. AF is expected on Sunday.

I am hoping that the next round of clomid works, at least time we will be monitored, then I can see what is going on in there.

All have a Happy Memorial Day and nice sunny weekend. Will be back on Monday!

I am stupid...

I Peed on a Stick, I know stupid. It of course was negative. I knew this going in, but again that glimmer of HOPE creeped in. I am currently 11DPO and it was a stark white area.

While I feel very sad about it and frustrated I do have to move onto another medicated cycle, I am sorts relieved b/c now I know and can try to be a peace with it.

TTCing is so disappointing.

All Hope is gone...

I am getting a period pimple, this is what I called it. I get it before I get my period, it is starting to brew itself. Guess AF is on the way. I give up on HOPE.

When HOPE fizzles out

I had slight hope yesturday with my slight spotting. But I convinced myself it had to be from the sex. Then this morning I checked my cervix and it was high, I thought, maybe? then said there is no way I could be pregnant my progestrone was low and that makes all my hope fall apart. I hate this waiting game. I wish Sunday was here so AF would start and I can move on to my medicated cycle.

I feel like I live my life on pins and needles 24/7, am I? No I can not be? The back and forth just makes time slow down and hope start to disappear.

I do not plan on taking a HPT with me on vacation, just tampons and pads. Maybe AF will not come, but I will be prepared. Being on vacation this weekend will also help in not testing, b/c my Mom will be there, even though she knows AF is to arrive on Sunday. If it doesn't she will probably go out and buy me a test. She told my hairdresser on Monday (after the hairdresser commented that my hair was curlier then normal) that I was probably pregnant, to which I gave her the look of don't go there. Even though I truly hope I am, but probably not.

When I was pregnant with DD, I had no symptoms and convinced myself I was not pregnant. When I took the test I felt a sense of relief and excitement. I want that feeling again.

Again this time I have no symptoms, but then again it is early I am only 11DPO. I always get cramps from O day on and I had none up until last night, when I was lying in bed and felt then start. Which again made hope fizzle out. I started feeling slight cramps today too. Also I am tired, but I always am tired so I can never count that as a symptom.

Sorry to ramble, just woke up this morning with that feeling of MAYBE - to have it quickly fizzle out when I justify why those things are happening or not happening.

TMI - need advice.

If you are not ready for Too Much Information, turn around and do not read... But I need advice.

Dh and I had NON FERTILE time Sex today, afterwards I spotted. I NEVER spot. So being I am 10DPO and charting. Do I note the spotting on my chart? Or do you think it was from the sex, BTW it was not Crazy sex, just your run of the mill sex.

Do you think I should inform the DR, he said call if I get a BFP b/c of my progestrone being so low.

Advice?

I think he is in denial...

AF is due on Sunday, I am 100% sure it is coming. With my Progestrone being so low. Anyways, Dh still has not done the SA, and I am NOT reminding him. He better hurry up. I just hate that his schedule is conflicting with the LAB schedule.

I will click on yours if you click on mine...

I try to click on everyones adsense everytime I visit their site, love to make my friends some $$$$$$.

Please return the favor and clicky on mine, pretty please. I actually have learned some new things by clicking on peoples ads, you might too.

One of THOSE days...

It is raining out, so DH suggested we NOT do the garage today, guess that could wait until next week.

I had acupuncture today, she put a lot of needles in my face b/c of my sinuses (never had this before) and it made me very sleepy. Now my nose is clear, after blowing all the stuff out!
She asked the normal questions and decided against certain needles she normally does b/c of the fact I could be pregnant, I told her prob not and she came back with well maybe you are. She is so sweet and very positive. She also told me she is going to a fertility conference in June and is excited to hear the lastest on acupuncture and fertility. I am too! She better inform me.

I am tired today, probably b/c of the yucky weather, wish the rain would GOOOOO away.

On a UPSIDE: my ebay MOMMIES would appericate this... I am going to a Lilly Pulizter warehouse sale in June! I had to register, but can not wat to go. Hoping to find some cheap dresses for DD and maybe something for myself.

Keeping my mind off the 2ww

The dreading 2 week wait is now half way through, this is the point in which I get obsessive. So here is my list of things I want to get done before we leave for the beach on Friday (AF due Sunday)

1. Clean & Organize my Garage
2. Clean & Organize my House
3. Do all my wash and my DD wash
4. Pack for the BEACH
5. Drop off the stuff my friend has stored in my garage (it has been there too long)
6. Pay bills

I have 3 more days to get ALL this done before we leave. Hoping I can get it done between, working during the day and making time to excercise.

I offered...

My DH said no to SEX on a NON O time... He can never complain again that we never have sex during non fertile times... MEN.

RESENTMENT

Not sure what brought this feeling on, maybe it was while we were at a picnic yesturday and everyone was telling us we need to have another baby (if they only knew) or that today I will see my Aunt for the first time since she announced she was pregnant (I am very happy for them, for the record) but I felt a wave of RESENTMENT today.

A few things that I resent...

1. People getting pregnant on the first few tries...
2. People having BFP accidents...
3. People thinking it is so easy to get pregnant...
4. People who PAY OUT nothing to have a child (damn health insurance coverage who covers NOTHING) *I am not talking about those with IF coverage but those who do not know the pain of IF can bring financially...
5. People taking their pregnancy for granted and not treating as a miracle...
6. People who complain about being pregnant (I never complained once while pregnant with my daughter - I was way to happy to be pregnant - feel free to bring on the morning sickness)...
7. People who tell you to "relax" and you will get pregnant...
8. People who do not understand what IF couples go through to get pregnant...
9. People who never ask how you are holding up while living in this life called INFERITILTY...
10. People who do not understand Secondary Inferility is just as painful as primary inferility and just because you have one child does not mean you are not infertile...

FEEL FREE TO ADD MORE...

8.7

That is what my progestrone came back as. I think I have already decided that a BFP for this cycle is out of question, mainly b/c when I asked the nurse is a BFP can happen on a 8.7, she basically said "well, no, yes, maybe" So there it goes. At least I have my clomid cycle coming up, hoping to get a BFP soon. Put me out of this maddness.

On another note... Saw MADE OF HONOR tonight, it was so good, very cute. Almost like My best friends wedding, but better. I also got to eat MOVIE POPCORN which was GREAT!

Save me...

I am having cravings... Not pregnancy cravings, just your average run of the mill NON pregnant cravings. I craved BLT sandwiches today (something I ate a lot of when pregnant) and I decided to make them for dinner b/c DH was not going to be home, he would not eat BLTs. While at the STORE I spotted the strawberries and decided to make strawberry shortcake too. I had bisquick at home so I just grabbed strawberries and whipped cream. Well I have had three helpings of strawberry shortcakes so far and ate two, yes two BLT sandwiches and I am still hungry! Eat b/c of stress, maybe.

I have my Progestrone test tomorrow morning. Wondering how it will be as a nonmedicated cycle. I bet as soon as I get the results I will be disappointed. Because from my understanding you can have LOW numbers usually point to NOT pregnant. Correct me if I am wrong. Last time mine was a 9.

I also have to start bugging DH to go get the SA done, I guess he needs to do this soon. He and I both have been advoiding the subject because he will have to take a half day at work to do this, unpaid. He has no vacation yet because he just started in December.

OH and when AF arrives it will be Memorial day weekend! yay for me :(

Another day...

So I decided to eat the PINEAPPLE, I hear more stories that say YES do it then not to do it.

I also ordered the INFERTILITY CURE, hoping to get it soon. Summer is the only time I can read because I do not have classes. I also ordered another Jennifer Weiner book, not sure which one it was, but it is the newest one she has out.

I already read HANNAH's HOPE, as recommended by RACHEL (thanks rachel) and I loved the book. It gave great insight and she really understand IF on a religious level.

I went to work out today and DD cried when I left her at the daycare at the GYM, I hugged her to death and was going to stay instead of working out but the one worker talked DD into making me pictures so I could go. My heart melted. Then I get on the treadmill and my MP3 had died. So it was a boring workout, with me worried about DD.

So now I am eating my pineapple! Wish me luck.

Do pineapple or NO pineapple...

The core that is, for the lasy 4 cycles I have eaten fresh pineapple (split in 5 pieces with core in) for 5 days after Oing. Then today I asked my TTC friends to double check my CHART on the message boards to make sure I did O. Well most said I did. So I went out to get my pineapple. Then I got a few messages of conflicting information about pineapple. Tell me which is TRUE

#1: fresh pineapple with core for 5 days after Oing, helps with impantation
#2: fresh pineapple during 2ww, can cause uterine contractions and hider implantion

If #2 is true the I sabatoged my last 4 cycles with the fresh pineapple. Help!

WEEKEND...

I usually post everyday, but this weekend was BUSY.

Saturday my DH graduated from plumbing school, and got his license. It was a long 4 years. He also got a award for being the best student in his class. He never studied or even brought his books into the house (they are actually in the garage) and still he had the highest grades. We are so proud of him.

Sunday, Mother's Day, nothing special just saw my IL and my parents and my Dad's side of the family. I went to church that AM and my uncle (the one that is expecting in Dec) asked how the TTC journey is going or course I told him. Every detail. I wanted him to know not everyone can get knocked up just like that and that if we do a IUI it will ALL be out of pocket. This was my way of saying DO NOT TAKE THIS FOR GRANTED.

Other then that I Oed on Mother's Day we got the +OPK and then this AM my temp rose which means I Oed yesturday, thank god we got the romp in the sheets in. Either I caught the tail en d of my surge or missed the beginning of the surge the day before. Sometimes I do get 2 OPKs in a row.

Crazy, now back to normal - what ever that is.

Never lose hope...

Went to TARGET yesturday to get cards and saw this angel token that says NEVER LOSE HOPE. I bought it. I thought I could pull it out when I am feeling down.

I have a little glass ladybug in my coin purse that my Aunt gave me when I was pregnant with my daughter... I had spotting and she gave it to me and said this is to remind you how lucky you are to be his/her MOM and how lucky he/she is to have you as a MOM, I still have it. Ladybugs are my favorite and DD's theme was pink ladybugs. Ladybugs are Good luck, I still carry around that ladybug.

Wish I could send all my dear IF friends a angel token.

COME ON ALREADY

I think the RE nurse lied to me... She said that clomid will have a residual effect on my cycles this month. Nope, here I am CD16 and no glimmer of a darker second line on the OPK. Looks like we are back to long cycles again. I took 4 OPKs today, Yes I am crazy but I worry I will miss the surge. I wish I would have Oed by now b/c we have a busy weekend and finding time to BD will be hard. But if the +OPK comes this weekend it will work out I guess. Like Dh said earlier just relax. Now he is saying those two words we hate to hear.

Happy Day...

well sort of. I got home early and thought since my daughter always sleeps when we arrive home I could NAP with her. Nope, she wanted to play and play and play. She kept telling me to wake up, my eyes were just closed. So finally I get off the couch at 6pm, even though I did have a ton to do today, to make dinner. Look on the couch and there she is sound asleep. Go figure.

I finally did it...

I have been saying for weeks, rather months I was going to get my Maternity clothes out of storage and list them on ebay, in my store. I had a lady who lives few miles from here and asked if I had any other maternity items to be listed b/c she would like to take a look because she lives so close and would rather buy locally. Well that is all I needed to get them out of my mind. I listed them, they will start tonight. FEEL FREE TO TAKE A PEEK AND BUY ANYTHING YOU LIKE... www.littleladybugscloset.com

I felt that by the time (if I ever do) get pregnant again, I will want to buy new stuff and who knows how long it will take so why should I have perfectly good inventory just sitting around tanting me... Hmmmm. I felt everytime I thought about these clothes they made me realize I may never wear maternity clothes again, so why keep them. They are still very stylish and by the time I give up on my dream (of having another) they may not be so stylish.

So there they are ready to find a loving home! Feel free to BID or BUY!

Waiting on 2 lines...

I feel Like I am always waiting for 2 lines... At the moment I am waiting for my OPK to show me two lines, I am on CD13 and last cycle (my medicated one) I Oed on this day. Dh is sick and asked me to wait for the two lines before BDing b/c he feels like shit. So I guess the every other day thing is out this cycle BOO.

So as soon as I get my two identical lines on the OPK I will start to wait for the two lines to show on my pregnancy test. I feel like I live my life in twos.

Comment pissed me off...

After stopping by the RE office to pick up the SA cup and spoke to the nurse briefly about when to call when my period arrives I picked up my Daughter at my Mom's. I spoke to my Mom about how scheduling to get this SA done with Dh's schedule will be hard. I also told her that I know this process is going to take longer then I thought, I also asked her to please ask my sister to tell me she is pregnant over the phone instead of in person b/c I do not know how I might react. She said back to me, well your sister SHOULD be pregnant first her son is older then your Daughter, to which I replied, yes but she is also 4 years younger and has no know fertility issues, my clock is ticking and I do not have much time. (I will be 30 next year.) If my ovary was no so messed up I would not worry about it, but I am.

This comment pissed me off b/c it felt like she was hoping my sister would get her BFP first since she DERSERVES it and I don't. This is a load of crock b/c my sister did not even want more children, she said the thought of more made her physically ill. Go figure.

So the point of the story is my sister will probably be pregnant first which will put a damper on our plans b/c I feel like my Mom can not handle two infants at once, 4 kids total. This is not fair, I have been wanting another child for over a year. Sorry to whine, I was just so upset by this comment.

SPRING CLEANING GOT DONE...

Well almost, I still have to do the hallway closet and clean out the refrig, which DH asked for me to wait to do that Tuesday for trash night. I went through every drawer, basket and closet. I made piles for throwing out and yard sale. It felt great to purge some stuff. My aunt would be so proud (she is a professional organizer), now all we have to do is the garage and the yard. I am really going to try to keep my house in order, I said TRY.

I got passed on...

After all this time with my OB/GYN who has been with me through all this reproductive crap for 14 1/2 years, the time in which I lost my ovary to a tumor. She had been through her having to remove my ovary, 5 (yes) 5 cysts, many visits of crying to her at appointments and her crying at my first OB appointment with DD for being so happy I got pregnant. She passed me onto the reproductive specialist. I thought I would do at least 2 more rounds of clomid with her, but nope. I got the call yesturday from the RE's nurse. I was surprised actually, wondering why SHE was calling instead of my OB/GYN nurse.

She explained that my DR wanted the RE to take over for me. They think my levels are too low. So now here is the plan (as she told it) we would do at least 2-3 more cycles of clomid with monitoring. This would allow them to see what is going on it there. Not much so far. Then if that did not work then we would move onto a IUI (insemination).

DH has to get a Sperm Analysis and he was not happy about that at all. Hoping the SA is fine (we conceived DD without help - his little swimmers should be fine right???)

I have some bloodwork to get done and we are starting over again next cycle, today is CD 10 so at lest 20 more days until we start getting serious.

On one hand I am happy things are moving forward, on the other hand I am scared this might lead to a IUI, because we have NO infertility coverage and everything will be OUT OF POCKET and we al know how DH feels about that, see post from April.

Wish me luck.

My Daughter...

I love my daughter so much, she makes me smile every day. She told my Mom she missed me yesturday which I had mentioned before. Last night she was very attached to me. I loved all the hugs and kisses she gives me. She gives me HOPE for future children, I got pregnant with her right??? Why shouldn't I get pregnant again right??

I wish I was more postive about this and even though I love my daughter so much I often wondering how I will handle it if she ends up being my only one. I am afraid I might smother her to for the rest of her life. Over involved MOM, that would be me.

One last project...

I have to updateone last project with my group from school tonight, at least I get to eat PANERA BREAD for dinner while working on it.