I have a hard time imagining what it would be like when I see those 2 lines. I can not imagine what it will be like to by maternity clothes for myself and new baby things. It is hard for me to think about this things, b/c in a way I am scared this may never happen for us.
The on the other hand, I have so many plans for when we are finally pregnant. I have planned what furniture I will buy DD for her BIG GIRL room, I know how I plan to set up the new baby room. I have plans on where all the stuff I have stored in the 3rd bedroom will go. I also have planned that as soon as I hit my 2nd trimester I would like to take DD to Disney World. Which if I am pregnant this cycle (doubt it highly) I would hit my 2nd trimester after Christmas and be able to travel and we could take her there for her Birthday. I have plans on what I will do with all the money we saved up for medical treatment for the next cycle. I have so many plans, but even though I have all those plans, I can not imagine it actually happening.
I want to be happy again, I want to be excited for people I want to keep planning for when it is my turn, but I know if I start doing this I will just be crushed at the end. IF sucks, I hate that good women have to live this everyday.
I talked to a lady at the RE's office today, we were sitting in the waiting area and she was telling the RE nurse that the only reason she can pay for treatment is b/c of her husbands ebay business, I turned to her and told her me too. We have no IF coverage and if it was not for the ebay sales I would have nothing to pay for my meds and appointments, nothing. I do not make much and we are stretching ourselves thin but at least I have some extra money to get through it. We bonded over how it was unfair IF is not covered. She was going through IVF. I felt sad after that conversation, why do people who want children so badly have to work so hard to get it. It is not fair. All this is not fair.
I am waiting for my P4 and E2 levels from the nurse. Hoping for good numbers but I am not too optimistic.
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1 comment:
You are NOT a bad person. I know I don't know you IRL, but even from your blog and your comments on mine it is obvious that you are sweet, caring, wonderingful person.
I think all of us have a hard time digesting it when those close to us get PG and we can't. I have friends that I know are trying and I dread the day they make the BFP announcement. It feels so selfish, but the feeling is unavoidable. Those who haven't gone through IF could never understand.
Hang in there and I hope you get to follow through with all those plans very, very soon!!!
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