Because I feel like I am living in a dase and am not able to accomplish anything...
Dh and I went to dinner last night - alone. His parents gave us money for our anniversary and we figured we better use it on dinner rather then bills (IL know nothing about IF issues) At dinner DH and I had a long talk about things we want. We have had these talks before but this time it felt like it was more like dreams then it will actually happen. Before our IF issues Dh always wanted to Build a house. He has talked about this for a while, but financially we were not in a place to do it. We sold our last tiny house and bought the house we are currently in b/c it was slightly bigger and we could afford it. Ever since he still talks about building soon. Well in order to build we have a few bills to pay off, I have a nice little ebay business going and make good money (at least for me) normally all that money goes towards things we need that just come up (this month it was the $500 I had to pay to fix my car) and paying down debt. Well then IF started and now all my ebay money goes towards the medication, it actually sucks to be giving out your debit card number to the pharmacy so you can pay for your meds. I actually had a slight nervous break down after I got off the phone after I paid for the meds b/c we could have used that money for so much more. I feel like b/c we are completely Out of Pocket I should just flush the money down the toilet with every failed cycle. Because that is exactly what this is like. I feel like I have wasted so much money on our failed cycles. It sucks, if money was not the issue I guess I would feel better. Back to Topic, so after our discussion last night of BABY, Pay down DEBT and start looking for Land, I felt like I am crushing DH's dream of building. I realize it is just a house and a baby is more important (at least to me) I was a little sad. I started with the what ifs again, what if in the end of all this we still come up empty handed and just have more debt to deal with. I hate this feeling. I want so badly to take my Daughter to Disney b/c she would freak to see those Princesses and I just want to see her face light up. Our life is on hold. That is how I feel. I can not plan or spend money on anything b/c we may need it, for IF treatments. LIMBO SUCKS. I just want to move on with my life and start making plans again.
I woke up this morning, not wanting to get out of bed, just with this huge sense of sadness. If this does not work out, we will just be left with a pile of debt and no baby. I am afraid I will be bitter forever. I thought as soon as I got the good news my tube was open I would feel better but I don't.
I have been asking GOD for a sign for weeks. Just tell me what I am suppost to do. I always said that is my sister would get pregnant first I would stop because I do not want my Mom to watch two infants at once. This was Before IF treatments started. feel like I can not stop the rollercoaster ride, but when is it enough.
Now there were a few things that happened this week that has me confused...
Are these my signs?
Signs to stop TTCing
1. Sister got pregnant
2. nervous break down about paying for meds (after I paid I felt like I made a huge mistake - asked my Mom is I made the right decision - of course she said yes)
3. Not sure HOW we are going to pay for our next round.
4. Cyst showing up (could have cancelled the cycle myself)
5. overwhelming sense of this will not happen for us
6. found out about abnormal pap smear from MAY
7. got this guardian angel necklace at the beach last weekend (was expensive) got home and the chain is broken.
Signs to keep going
1. Tube is open
2. HSG increases your chances
3. On new protocol
4. cyst did shrink
5. everyone in my life has HOPE for me (even my DR)except myself.
I hate not having control over this, it is truly a waiting game. I hate waiting and think many of us have waiting long enough.
When my MOM told me about my sister I immediately wanted to not move to the next step and take some time off (even though the DR says I do not have time) my MOM made me swear to keep going and why they did not tell me right away is because they thought I would stop. I feel so guilty about the possibility my MOM may have to watch two babies plus my nephew and my DD. Then on the other hand I am so sad that this might NOT happen for us.
In a way I think if we did not try to get pregnant and it failed I would feel better about the BFN - because we were not truly trying - while since we are giving 100% to this process when the BFN comes it hits me harder.
Sorry so long, I just feel so sad and can not seem to let it go. I need to let it go, I am living in a state of anxiety
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I found your blog through a link. I wish I had the advice that you need to help you made a decision, but know that you'll be in my thoughts. I hope that you're able to make a choice that you and your family will be comfortable with. *hugs*
(((Hugs)))
I know your pain all to well. I know what it is like to not want to get out of bed in the morning, I know what it is like to feel like each failed cycle was a waste of your hard earned money.
Do I have the answers for you - no. But how I wish I did. All you can do sweetie, is take one day at a time. something that has really helped me is talking to someone and keeping a journal. The money issue sucks - suck so bad. We are OOP too and I have come up with creative ways to make money just so we can cycle.
I think what us IF woman fail to realize is that we are strong. We keep going when other people would have given up. Even though you feel like you have no hope you actually do because you keep on going. You keep on buying your meds and you keep on cycling. You are much stronger than you give your self credit for.
If you ever need someone to talk to, please email me at tarahville@cox.net.
You're in my thoughts and know that I am holding on to hope for you.
(((Huge Hugs)))
♥
Tarah
Post a Comment