The pressure is getting to me.

I am counting down the days until our next u/s, I am praying for a little heart beat. I looked up everything possible today (I should be doing my paper) about early miscarriage (I know shot me) and what a u/s should look like at 6week, how early people saw heartbeats etc. I googled everything, nothing made me feel better. I think this is what IF does to you. While going through treatment all you want is to see those two lines, everything is so unknown. Will I ever get pregnant again, will this medical treatment work for me, can we afford this? So much has gone through my mind in the last year. Once I saw those two pink lines, nothing really changed my anxiety level. The unknown is back. I know I have a little sac in there who looked as it should and everyone at the Re's office sound so optimistic that we will see a heartbeat this week. But I am worried. It is back to the unknown. I do not know what is going on in there. I pray everyday to let this baby be healthy and join our family in May. I love it so uch already I hold my stomach at night just to be able to hold me tiny baby. The waiting is killing me. I thought once I see a heart beat I would probably feel so much better, but now I think I will worry until I am 12 weeks. I wish I could stop this, it probably is not good for the baby. I am so grateful we are expecting again. Avery deserves to be a big sister and I deserve to be a mother again. But sometimes I am trying to not get my hopes up just in case.

I was trying to take a nap today and DH asked me what was wrong, I guess I look like hell I am so tired. I told him I did not feel well and was tired his response was "you know why" I thought he was going to say something sarcastic but he said "because you are pregnant" WOW I am pregnant. Who would have know with all this worrying I am doing.

One year ago today...

One year ago today I had a scare... I missed my period. Now being that I was on Birth Control and had a hard time getting pregnant with my DD I thought nothing of it, until I was 5 days late then panick set in. Dh and I had decided that we would wait until MAY 2008 to start trying for #2 mostly b/c of money and also because of him finishing school. But there I was 5 days late, of course I told DH and he laughed it off like it did not matter if I was or not, but I was panicking. I let myself go 1 week with my missed period and then off to Target we went to buy a test. I remember getting DD into the shopping cart and pushing her through the parking lot thinking how the heck am I going to do this with 2 kids, I was excited (I really thought I was pregnant) and nervous, so nervous I was sick to my stomach. We buy a test a few other items and headed home. Two kids under 2, I could do this. I took the test and of course it was negative, I cried and cried because for some reason I really wanted this phantom baby, needless to say my AF came within the next hour. Ever since that day I wanted to start trying, but of course DH wanted to wait b/c it was not a good time to start. Which I did agreed.

In the beginning of September I missed my period again. Again I thought I am pregnant and was so excited. But after a ton of pregnancy tests and 2 months without a period nope not pregnant. Took provera to get my AF started and it did not come until 2 weeks later, DR did tell me I was Oing at one visit but she wanted me to wait until next cycle to try (I did not listen I went home to BD anyways OOPS). During this time I had a long heart to heart with my DR who said my body is starting to tell me it is time to start trying again. Of course I agreed I would have started in June if it was not for DH, so I went home talked with Dh and he said lets do it. He told me You will not get pregnant right away anyways (thanks DH) and if you do we will deal.

Do here we are, still not pregnant but for the last year my body and mind have ached for a baby. Will it ever happen?

RESENTMENT

Not sure what brought this feeling on, maybe it was while we were at a picnic yesturday and everyone was telling us we need to have another baby (if they only knew) or that today I will see my Aunt for the first time since she announced she was pregnant (I am very happy for them, for the record) but I felt a wave of RESENTMENT today.

A few things that I resent...

1. People getting pregnant on the first few tries...
2. People having BFP accidents...
3. People thinking it is so easy to get pregnant...
4. People who PAY OUT nothing to have a child (damn health insurance coverage who covers NOTHING) *I am not talking about those with IF coverage but those who do not know the pain of IF can bring financially...
5. People taking their pregnancy for granted and not treating as a miracle...
6. People who complain about being pregnant (I never complained once while pregnant with my daughter - I was way to happy to be pregnant - feel free to bring on the morning sickness)...
7. People who tell you to "relax" and you will get pregnant...
8. People who do not understand what IF couples go through to get pregnant...
9. People who never ask how you are holding up while living in this life called INFERITILTY...
10. People who do not understand Secondary Inferility is just as painful as primary inferility and just because you have one child does not mean you are not infertile...

FEEL FREE TO ADD MORE...

Never lose hope...

Went to TARGET yesturday to get cards and saw this angel token that says NEVER LOSE HOPE. I bought it. I thought I could pull it out when I am feeling down.

I have a little glass ladybug in my coin purse that my Aunt gave me when I was pregnant with my daughter... I had spotting and she gave it to me and said this is to remind you how lucky you are to be his/her MOM and how lucky he/she is to have you as a MOM, I still have it. Ladybugs are my favorite and DD's theme was pink ladybugs. Ladybugs are Good luck, I still carry around that ladybug.

Wish I could send all my dear IF friends a angel token.