forward with the sucky cycle

I called the Re nurse this morning to tell her about this mornings BFN and ask if we can do the beta tomorrow so I can go off the progesterone supps b/c I do not want to delay AF ay further. Of course she said no that I could rebound (whatever - she was trying to give me HOPE) and still get a BFP. To wait it out. Then she apologized for torturing me. Which is exactly what it feels like Torture. So I guess I will follow her advice and continue with the progesterone supps that make me feel like crap and delay af farther.

Shopping Therapy...

Usually when I am upset or depressed shopping always brings me out of the funk. Not anymore. I went shopping today for a few things we needed and things we did not need and it did not make me feel any better like it used to. I think at this point the only thing that will sure me is being pregnant and knowing the baby is healthy, because that still worries me.

I am 11 DPO, nothing more to share, most my symptoms have left, I am crampy on and off but they are super mild and realize I probably only notice them b/c I am looking for them, my bbs are sore, but again probably only notice it b/c I am looking for it. I am tired but not as tired as I was over the weekend. My bloat has gone away. My temp is still up and if it will drop it will do it before Thursday, maybe it will trick me and stay high b/c of the progestrone supps. Now we just have to figure out how we will pay for next cycle.

Isn't that funny...

I was so exhausted yesterday, but when I went to bed I could not sleep. I was running through my head the rollercoaster that is called TTC. I thought about how I am going to handle it is this cycle is a bust, What my plans are if the cycle is a success. I finally had to tell myself to cut it out and go to sleep. 5 more days, until my beta. I am not feeling hopeful, b/c I think all my symptoms are progestrone supps related. I do not want to get excited over the symptoms progestrone supps have given me.


“But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3

I made it!

I got through work today without shedding a tear, new record. I have cried everyday at work this week. I guess I am feeling a little hopeful (oops Did I say that). I do not think "this is it" but I find myself dreaming about what if this is it? One more week to go. Praying for a BFP or not a delayed cycle. Hoping this next week goes fast.

It seems this is how my cycle goes. Bitter,angry and depressed until the last week of the 2ww, then I have slight hopefulness. Remember I said slight, I do not want to be crushed.

The progesterone has now made me constipated, I am have mild cramps and a headache. I believe they are all from the progesterone supps. Anyone else have major symptoms on progesterone supps, what were they?

OK, just realized...

Today I did not cry, well not yet. I have cried everyday for the last two weeks. Today I was sad, but not as sad as before. Not sure why. I think now that my injections are over and we have had all the sex we needed to, it is now out of my control. I always hated the days leading up to O, while the 2WW is not my favorite (usually goes so slow) I always feel little better during the 2WW. Maybe it is b/c I could be pregnant. Now do not start thinking, WOW she has turned a new leaf. I have not, I am still sad, depressed and just plain tired of this rollercoaster. And HOPE has not settled in yet, I am still feeling this crappy cycle will end up like all the others, in a BFN.

On another note, paper is done, Just need to proofread and print out, which I will do tomorrow b/c I cannot look at it anymore today. It is a sucky paper, to go along with my sucky rollercoaster life.

HUMP DAY...

Nothing new for hump day... My temp stayed up however, my temp usually goes down on 13DPO which is today (according to FF) but according to the RE I am only 12DPO, so it could go down tomorrow. I am fully expecting that it will drop.

I have my appt with the RE tomorrow morning, will update when I return, but will not be around most of the weekend b/c we are going to the beach, AF should arrive Friday or Saturday, so unless we find a wireless connection I can not let you girls know what is going on, if AF does not arrive by some miracle, I will be driving home early, early monday morning to go in for my beta.

Symptoms, cramps still, no period pimple yet, constipated (weird), my teeth hurt and I am tired, normally tired especially since I am trying to get everything done so all I have to do is pack tomorrow. Nothing different going on really. I am just feeling like AF will be arriving this weekend.

Wish me luck at my appt and I will let you guys know how it goes.

Booster shots stink

Normally since my trigger was over 2 weeks ago I would be able to test by now, but since I had those two extra booster shots, the last being on Friday. I have to wait until beta time, which should be Saturday but she told me I could come in Monday. Which is good b/c I am suppost to go away or bad because now I have to wait until the weekend is over, AF is suppost to arrive on Friday. I am thinking at this point it will. I guess all my hope went out the window, I do not think clomid was good for me, I am ready to start injectables, which on Thursday I have an appointment with the RE to discuss next steps. I wish I could test and see a accurate result by now, at least I would know what to expect. I think if my temp goes down tomorrow, that would be my clue. The waiting stinks and so does the booster trigger shot that makes me not be able to test early.

On another note, my symptoms are much different this cycle...

I have not had as many cramps, just pulling and pinching. No real AF cramps, I usually get a (what I call) a Period pimple 3-5 days prior to Af showing, I usually get it on my chin, but last cycle no pimple on my chin it showed up on the side of my nose (that gave me some hope last cycle), as of today nothing. I am tired, but it could be the heat, we turned our a/c off. Also I am having back pain, I get mild back pain throughout my cycle but this is different, I feel like I have a cramp. Even thought my progestrone levels made me so excited I am feeling they might not be high enough.

None of the usual symptoms of AF, or I just be making up these aches and pains in my head.

I have acupunture appt tomorrow and I am planning on asking her more about COLD UTERUS, b/c my belly (where my uterus is) is always cold, even when I am hot, but above my belly button is warm. I check several times a day, crazy i know. Plus the fluttering I get worries me AF is on it's way.

Like I said before not holding out much hope this cycle, b/c clomid did not work for me all the other cycles why would it work now.

Offically the 2WW!

Whewwww... I am offically in the 2WW hoping all the sex will pay off. At first I was thankful for no more times / planned sex but then panick set in, b/c if this cycle does not work, we will be moving to injectiables, b/c of my progestrone levels after O. I have b/w on Monday to check my progestrone levels and then will be receiveing my first booster shot to help with that. I am really hoping it is IT! I really need this BFP, b/c I am going crazy and starting to get slightly depressed and that is not good.

I am back... this weeks plans...

I am back form the beach... A little sunburned (not bad just uncomfortable) my temp jumped from 97.93 - 98.10 this AM, it never reaches the 98's thought maybe my sunburn had something to do with it. What do you think???

We had a nice time (as always) will post pictures of DD on the beach.

Also my Mom and I made a bet (my ebay friends will understand this) I agreed to this b/c I need something to distract me from the rest of my 2WW. But we decided that whoever lists the most over their goal by friday (my goal 100 her goal 150 b/c she has some help) will treat to other to a dinner at a local resturant (TOSCANI). I am not sure I will be able to do that in 4 days, but hoping for the best. NEED ALL THE $$$$ I CAN GET TO PAY FOR TREATMENT. At least I can keep my mind off the 2WW, maybe not. It has always been in the back of my mind the last 4 days. Am I or NOT? I am feeling NOT but there is always HOPE.

Post more tomorrow. Got to sleep it has been a long 4 days.

2WW Plan

Usually during the 2WW all I can think of is if I am pregnant or not. It also drags on and on. Even though I hate waiting to O I also feel anxiety during the 2WW.

So here is my plan to NOT think about it during the 2WW.

Tomorrow until Monday we are going to the Beach again. So all weekend I will be spending with my DH, DD and my Mom, so I will be busy sunning myself and eating lots of seafood.

Tuesday - Friday next week I have a lot of work (at work) to catch up on and when I am home at night it is all about playing with DD and listing on ebay. (Halloween costumes are next to be listed). Then Saturday and Sunday we have family picnics both days. SO if FF is right with my O day I will get AF on Saturday but if the RE is correct then I will not get it till Monday.

So keeping myself busy is the plan. Hopefully I will not think about it too much.

Today I have had a belly ache all day, not like sick but like I have to go to the bathroom but can not go. (sorry if TMI) so of course it has me off whack so today there was not pregnancy thought.

Also a internet friend of mine who found out she was pregnant (on her own) after adoption and IVF told me today that she read The Secret and tried to visualize a baby by telling people (in her family) that they were going to have a baby someday and she even bought kids clothes and maternity clothes to prepare for it, knowing she had IF problems in the past. She said it helped her visualize a baby. She believes that really helped in conceiving. While I believe in karma and praying, I am not sure if I am that optimistic. I am afraid if I think I am pregnant that I will be even more let down when I find out I am not. I also feel if I buy things for the future baby I will be jinxing myself.

Ayone else feel this way?