SA done...

FINALLY, it only took him 3 months to get his act together, we have to wait 1 week for the results, so bring on the anxiety!

Please pray for DH

He is doing his SA tomorrow (finally) and I am nervous about it. Hoping it is fine.

Is this how people define us???

I was watching the news this morning and something caught my attention...

The first story the reporter said Father of 7 pulls gun on son, I thought OK how does that guy get 7 kids when someone do not have one or like me 2. I would never do that to DD, I hardly ever yell at her. SO I am getting dressed they are doing the story, then the next story comes on...

Mother of 2 get hit by a car... My head started spinning, is this how society defines us, Mother of 2, Father of 7... Why could they not have said, Man pulls gun on Son or Women gets struck by the car. I know they are trying to make the story more personable, but come on. Are they going to say for a childless women, childless women gets hit by a car, or infertile women gets robbed, NOPE.

I am not sure why this bothered me so much (maybe it was the back to back stories starting out the same way - Maybe it's the drugs), for I can be defined that way too, and like it, Mother of One, but I would perfer Mother of 2. But there are other things that define me too, wife, daughter, sister, counselor, student, business women.

After the two stories and I started to think about what happens if we can not have more children, are we always going to be the couple who could not have more children but wanted them desperately. I also started to think about DD going to kindergarden and all the MOMs there with their toddlers and asking me why I do not have more, what will I say - I am broken? I recently read something the other day about a lady who wanted more children, they were only able to have one and sometimes she feels like others look at her like she was selfish for only having one child, when the truth was she could not have more... Will that be me? I did get to talk with a friend of mine at work today, I do not see her often for we are in different buildings, but it was nice to vent, at the beginning of the conversation, she said the dreaded, just stop and it will happen and at the end of my venting session, she told me she believes it will happen for us, just have HOPE. She only has one child, by choice and says she does think about what if we have another, even though she knows she will not have more her DHhad the big V, one is enough for her. She is making it work with one child, can I do that too and be at peace, I am not sure, because I think I would be filled with regret.

On a happier note, I got my Fertility Yoga DVD today and can not wait to try it. Maybe tonight maybe tomorrow but ASAP. I need so relaxing workouts and lved yoga i the past. Thanks Steph for the suggestion.

Going to Big GUY...

Meaning my RE DR. I had an appointment this morning for my cyst check and get my prescription for clomid. While there the nurse told me she wanted to make me an appointment with Dr. S to get started on the real stuff, meaning seeing if we needed a IUI or IVF. See my OB/GYN sent me to the RE nurse thinking I do a few montiored cycles of clomid and end up pregnant so I have not offically seen or met with the RE Dr., just spoke to him on the phone on weekends when I would have a follie check. So my appointment is August 21st. If everything pans out like the last few cycles, on August 23rd, will be my beta, maybe I can have them move it up. But with temp drops I would know if AF will arrive. I am not holding out much HOPE for this cycle, guess we will see.

So we made the appointment for the 21st, she said he will probably schedule a HSG, they did not do this initially b/c I had a baby in the last 3 years, but since I only have one tube, one ovary she said he will probably request one and start me on injectables next cycle. Now depending on DH's SA and my HSG will determine the plan on the IUI. She said she would rather me have TI b/c with a good SA we would not have to do IUI right away with injectables (we are assuming DH is fine) but if my tube is blocked we are screwed, being totally out of pocket. Even the injectables and IUI would suck, it would cost me over 2,000 just for a IUI cycle with injectables. So we are now praying DH's SA comes back normal and my HSG is clear and we can get pregnant on just injectables and TI. But in reality we are praying for a BFP this cycle so we do not have to go through all that. I know I am going to be a nervous wrack until DH's SA comes back and I have a HSG. Please pray for us, we do not need another curve ball in our lifes. Please pray we get good results on our tests and not have to spend alot to make this dream come true. I am hyper-ventilating at the thought of having all this medical debt, when we have so much other debt to pay off. Please keep us in your prayers.

CALL THE PRESS!

I think my DH may actually do his SA this week! Stay tuned.

Intuition

When does your intuition really kick in? When should you start to believe those thoughts that creep into your mind that are worst case scenrios are to be true?

Lately I have been having those thoughts... It started last Wednesday when my temperture dropped in the AM and I thought it is over, onto the next cycle. When AF finally arrived (even though I knew it would) I started to spiral downward. Those worst case scenrios started coming into my mind. Up until now I have been pretty hopeful. I would get AF and think OK I am sad but next cycle will be it. This time, I did not think that way, I am starting to think this time it is over for good. Last cycle named a perfect cycle did not work why would the rest... Maybe I am only suppost to have one DD, while many of you reading this will think I would be glad to just have one child to love and hold, I am totally grateful for her and she is a huge blessing in our life b/c I was told I may never conceive on my own. I held out HOPE for the last few months that the next cycle will be it. This time I am not that confident. WHY? I am not sure. Maybe I am not ment to have another child. Maybe all this heartache is because I am being punished for something. I think back to when I was pregnant with DD and she was born how much JOY I had in my life. She is still my JOY but my heart hurts, I long for that feeling again.

So back to the question at hand, when do you know it is time to give up? Is this the feeling I am having?

The last few nights, since that temp drop last Wednesday I have been asking God to give me a sign either while I am awake or in my dreams, to lead me because I feel abandon, the last 5 days I have had 2 dreams, one of DH handing me the cup for he SA ( so I thought maybe there is something wrong with DH) and the other last night of a house in the country and the only people there were DH and DD and Me. Dh always talks about building a house in the middle of nowhere. Maybe those are my signs, maybe I am suppost to stop this rollercoaster ride and get off. Then the other sign I thought was suppost to be a good one was I see pregnant women everywhere.

I am starting to HATE my job, which in my wildest dreams never thought I would say, maybe I am suppost to finally my MA and get a new job? Just wish I had a psyhic tell me what to do, TELL ME WHAT I AM TO DO? WHAT PATH AN I SUPPOST TO TAKE?

When I think about stopping treatment I am confused, I want this baby so badly, but will it ever come to light, am I being impatient or negative? Everyone in my life says they see me with more children, several say twins, which drives me nuts b/c they are just saying that b/c I am on fertility drugs and stereotype of people on fertility drugs points to twins. (thanks Angelina and Brad)

I just wish I had some guidance b/c right now I feel lost. I know maybe tomorrow I will feel better once I talk to the RE nurse. I do have a few questions. Maybe that is what I need to get some clarity.

Another day...

I woke up this morning not feeling any better, I am hoping as the day goes on I will feel better, I keep telling myself that This cycle failed move onto the next, but that is so hard, I think it is hard b/c the nurse told me it was a perfect cycle, so what went wrong? And will the next cycle be a failure too.

I am also having a problem with my Mom, she has always been my best friend and there for me but lately I feel like she does not get what I am going through and is judging my feelings. I told her I feel like a failure. She thinks I should just suck it up move on, be glad for Avery (which I am) and if it does not happen oh well, life goes on. While all this maybe true it is hard. I am surrounded by pregnant girls all day at my job and in my family. How can I not think about how much my body has failed me. Then I think about all the ladies who have been trying longer then me or with IVF and get sad for them too. It is not fair. I am at the point where I used to talk to my Mom all the time about this, b/c DH is laid back and thinks it will happen if it is meant to happen while she was my rock to lean on, I feel I can not lean anymore.

She is also the one who gives me my shots, since DH would pass out if he had to (no help there), I am thinking maybe I brought her too much into this situation and her giving me my shots has made her a part of this process and maybe I should stop doing that. I am thinking I have to figure out how to give myself the shots, which I think I could but they are in my butt, so that maybe a challenge. I do have a friend who would do it ( she is a MA), but she lives 30 mintues away, but if I can not do it myself maybe I will use her as a back up. Do you think I could do this myself, does anyone else give their shots in their butt themselves?

On a lighter note, I am taking DD to get her pictures taken at a new studio in our area. She has not had her pictured taken since Christmas and I try to do it again in the summer time. I am hoping she will allow me to curl her hair.

PLAN...

RE called yesturday and the nurse was totally surprised AF came b/c she said I had an excellent cycle. I am doing the same protocol next cycle, clomid 50MG days 5-9 and HCG shots, one to trigger Oing, and one 4DPO and 7 DPO. They were planing on moving to injectables but the DR thought since this cycle went so well let's try one more time. Hoping that works because I am not really sure how much more of this I can take. I am so depressed.

I was fine all day until I saw one of my SIL friends while out Yard saling who is very pregnant. My MOM said later that I am a bitter person and do not know how to be happy for other people. I cried while she explained she understands what I am going through, she has no clue. She says I can not take my bitterness out on pregnant people and be happy for them. I explained I am happy for them just sad for me. She said my sister is afraid to get pregnant now b/c she is afraid of how I will react. I know I will be happy for her but very very sad for me. I told my MOM that I am already prepared for her to get pregnant before me, b/c at this point I am starting to feel this may not be in the cards for me. Maybe I am not ment to have another. I beat all odds of having DD on my own, maybe that was all I was suppost to have. I have already started planning my life if I can not get pregnant.

1. I plan on taking DD on big vacations every summer, I am talking Disney, europe etc. Right now we go for FREE to my parents beach house in Cape May.

2. Plan on quitting my job ( I work with pregnant and parenting teens) a job I used to LOVE but now it takes everything I have just to go into the office somedays.

3. Before I quit my job I plan on finishing my masters in guidance counseling (never planned on being a guidance counselor - b/c I thought I would be at my current job until I retire)

4. Then when DD starts school I would look for a position as a guidance counselor

5. Take down the wall between DD's room and the spare room, since I will not need that room anymore. DD's room right now is the size of a closet, so this would open it up a bit.

6. SPOIL DD ROTTEN and when people tell me that I spoil her, I can say "YOU never felt the heart break it is to not be able to have more children so shove it"

I have always wanted 3 children, settled for two b/c that is all DH wanted, lately whenever I look into the future all I see if one child by my side. I am so sad that is all I can imagine.

AF is here...

Cycle #10 here we come, not by choice. Waiting for the RE to call me back with the next steps. IF sucks.

Need Advice...

I have a beta tomorrow, should I still go even though it will be negative. I am not sure I want to pay for b/w that i already know the answer to. Unless AF arrives by the AM.

My temp stayed the same today, did not go below the cover yet. AF has not arrived, late last night I had some brown CM and thought for sure it would come over night, nothing.

I cried most the day on and off, I just feel so defeated and lost. I am so scared this is not going to turn out well. I even thought maybe we should just stop all this and live with just one child. And then the water works started again just thinking about that.

DH thinks I am overreacting and is not helping the situation. He told me to decide whatever I wanted, that is the point I am not sure what to do. Be more aggressive with treatment and might lose more money to the empty hole in my heart or just go with the flow and see what happens. I love to do a IUI cycle but the cost scares the crap out of me. I am almost 100% positive they are going to suggest injectables next cycle and I will not know what to do. Money is the problem.

Scared, tired, frustrated, sad, emotional wreck and at point just want to quit.

BAD DAY...

I cried most the day today... I am taking this cycle being over very hard. I am not sure why, I did have a slight good feeling as of Monday about this cycle and went to bed last night thinking tomorrow's temp will make or break the cycle. Seeing that low temp put me over the edge. I cried to my MOM this Morning when I dropped off DD and she gave me all the normal, it will happen when it is meant to be, Not the right time yet, it will happen and if it doesn't it is not the end of the world. This afternoon I cried to her again over the phone, she told to to buckel up and move on (not so motherly) and be grateful for what I have. AM I BEING MISUNDERSTOOD?? I am grateful for DD more then anything. My heart goes out to those without child who want them badly, I too want that again. After I settled down a bit, I POAS (b/c AF has yet to arrive) so I thought what the heck... BFN.

I also thought long and hard about the WHAT IFs. What if we are unable to have more children and as much as it breaks my heart to think about it, will I be OK? Will I be able to not regret having a sibling for DD? I mean we will be able to have more money for vacations and to spoil DD, but do I really want that? I want her to have someone to grow up with to share things with. I am not sure if I will be able to sit by and watch my friends and family have more kids and not feel the emptiness inside me? I do not want regrets but not having another child will bring huge regret to me, I know it will.

I also worry about all the money we could potentially spend on having another child worries me if the outcome is NO BABY. That sits in the back of my mind all the time. Will that regret creep back in when I pay that bill every month, spending money on something that never happened.

I am so sad lately, just plain sad. I am tried of being SAD, I want the old me back, but I have already moved too much forward with treatment it is hard to turn back. With every failed cycle I get deeper into feeling sad and negative about the whole thing. I want to be hopful again. When will that happen?

It's over

My temps took a nose dive this morning... I know AF will be here either Thursday or Friday. I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. This is the first cycle in months I actually had a glimmer of hope b/c my temps were so high, my acupuncturist told me to call her as soon as I find out (she never tells me that) and the RE Dr never talked about the next step (they always tell me the next step for the next cycle at my 7 DPO b/w appt) so I took these as signs, but I should have known better. I hate my body and what it is doing to my life.

I am so distruaght and emotional drained.

Here see for yourself

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/55726

I hate rollercoasters

I hate rollercoasters, for real. When we go to Hershey Park now or when I was little I never went on them, I sat and waited for everyone else and still do that. I hate the feeling of falling, I am OK with height as long as I feel safe, but the idea of falling makes me full of anxiety. DH loves rollercoasters so whenever we go to amusement parks we are usually with others that can go on with him, my DD also loves rides so I believe she will love rollercoasters just like him.

Rollercoaster called IF I am starting to HATE too...

I went to bed last night and was watching DD sleep, she is so cute when she sleeps. I started to play with her hair and started to cry, not full blown sobbing but tears started rolling and it happened for about a hour. All I could think about in that time is how much she has grown up and is not a baby anymore. I love seeing her milestones and believe I have the smartest kid in the world, then it turned to how much I want another one, a sweet baby to hold, a baby to watch DD play with and grow up with. I want to feel life inside of me and go through painful labor to bring something precious into this world. I wish I had better feelings about this cycle, my temps are the highest they have ever been (three HCG shots can do that) and I am having terrible cramps and just feel like AF is around the corner. I truly HOPE I am pregnant but I can not allow myself to go there just yet. It has been a rollercoaster ride in the last few days, because I am coming to the end of the cycle. End of the cycle usually brings tears and depression and while I am trying to remain positive, it is hard when I have had so many let downs lately.

Not a Good sign...

I just had to POAS, it is 11 DPO. I opted to pee on a OPK, there was a super super light line. If the HCG was still in my system the line would be alittle darker, but it was almost non exsistant. Not a good sign right?

waiting on pins and needles

This morning I felt like crap, my swollen eye is going down and looks better but still looks like someone clocked me one. I also started with cramps, AF due in 2 days and that feeling of this cycle is over creeped in. I started my day being upset and disappointed. I also had a lot of work to do today so I thought it would keep me busy so I could not think about the inevitable.

I did have acuputure today and she said I sounded happy all my symptoms were great and I was on track, plus my pulse was wirey (whatever that means) BOY I thought she has me all wrong or maybe I go in there so happy to be there and all the crappiness flows away, not sure.

So here I am waiting and waiting... can not even test because the third trigger could still be in my body, even the BETA test on Friday may still register it, if it is low they said they would wait another two days to do another, but if it is high then they can say it is positive.

I hate waiting on Pins and Needles.

Bee Sting Part 2

Woke up this morning to the whole right side of my face being swollen. Last night I could feel throbbing but it was not swollen. I look horrible, it also looks like my may start to turn black and blue.

Also my temp this morning was so high, the highest temp I have ever had, now I wonder do you think the bee sting affected my basal temperature??

Here is my chart
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/55726

BUMBLE BEE

I got stung by a bumble bee, I was walking along minding my own business when the damn BEE got stuck in between my sunglasses and eye, so it stung me right on my eye lid. I am allergic to everything under the sun, so I ran out front to my MOM and asked if I was allergic, you would think at 29 I would know this...thank goodness I am not, but my eye lid swelled up I could hardly see out of my eye. I iced it to death and it has seemed to have gone down.

I was going to take some medicine, like a anti-histamine but then realized I may be pregnant so I dealt with it. Now I have a massive headache and do not plan on taking anything for it, again I may be pregnant, prob not and I am putting myself through hell for nothing.

Going to take a nap instead.

Hows this for weird...

Yesterday before I ate dinner I got that feeling of shaking, like I drank too much caffeine and or took diet drugs with ephedra in it. You know that feeling. I have not had caffeine in months and obviously am not taking any diet drugs.

It lasted almost 1 hour, I ate dinner had some POM juice, it was still there. So I left to go to my Mom's house to get my Booster Shot, when I got there it seemed to subside. I thought maybe I am anxious to get my shot, even though all the other times I did not experience this.

This Morning I am typing in my temps into FF and it started again, I had already had breakfast and something to drink. It was soooo weird. I think maybe I need to got to my Mom's house and check my blood pressure. I do not know where it is coming from. I just thought it should be noted.

7DPO tests back...

I was so nervous to get the call... Whhne I saw the caller ID I started to feel sick.

My P4 was a 16 (was a 13 on monday and a 10 last cycle)
My E2 was 260 (was 268 on Monday and 68 last cycle)

Getting second Booster shot tonight.

I am so excited that the meds actually worked, now if we could just get a BFP that would help.

My temps are higher then they have ever been.

I am trying so hard to be positive that this could actually have a chance to get a BFP but it is hard to get too excited, evne though I am happy about my levels.

Beta Next Friday unless AF arrives

Victory dinner...

My MOM took me out for my Victory Dinner, we had a ebay contest against each other in June and she finally paid up. I had the BEST dinner, yummy side salad, broccoli with lemon butter and parmesan cheese and for my meal shrimp and scallops in pesto garlic butter with tomatoes, & creme Brulee for dessert. YUM-O ( as Rachel Ray would say) I could eat this meal again for dinner tomorrow, maybe this week sometime I will try to duplicate it at home.

I stuffed myself so much, I started having a tummy ache later, but not your run of the mill sickness tummy ache just one that made it uncomfortable to go shopping afterwards (in which I just bought soda (for DH) and cascade).

When we got back home, my nightly cramps started. I usually get cramps on and off during the day in the 2WW but they usually start to be noticed as consistent at night, maybe I am doing too much during the day. However these cramps were different they were like side stitches in my stomach area. Then my back started hurting so I decided to lay down, too much food is not fun but it was good. I realized after laying down for a while while watching GHOST HUNTERS I was achy, all over. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not let me get sick. I am entering implanation stage and if I get sick that will be it for this cycle.

So here I am totally achy with cramps, trying to relax a bit so I can go to bed. Hoping this is not a bad sign.

I have my 7DPO P4 & E2 test tomorrow. Hoping for high numbers!!!

Down Slope...

I was on a high yesturday because of my b/w results but now the high is over and I am back on my way down. I can not believe how IF can do this to a person, one day excited of the possibility it may happen the next I am crying that I am probably not pregnant. It all started this AM when I getting ready, I found a pimple, while I do get these normally (usually before AF arrives I get one) it was small but upset me b/c this is usually the first sign that the cycle is over, no hope for me.

I know that sounds dumb, but it hit me like a ton of bricks, it is over. No chances this cycle.

The next blow my Aunt found out this AM she is having a GIRL. Her 2nd girl. Knowing this made it more real, she is actually pregnant and I am NOT pregnant. While this is good for them, less money they will have to spend on Baby stuff I am sad for me, all I want to do is spend money on baby stuff. IF sucks, how it can make your emotionals and thoughts on a rollercoaster ride.

I wish I know what the levels ment yesturday? I know my Progestrone should have been at least 15 and my estrogen at least a 100, but what do my levels mean. I know they mean nothing in the grand scheme of things but I hate the unknown and IF is so unknown.

B/W today!

Today is 4DPO and they wanted me to come in for b/w so they can see if I need the 1st booster shot...

my levels
Progestrone was 13 (last cycle was 10 at 7DPO)
Estrogen was 268 (last cycle was 68 at 7 DPO)

I was shocked, did not expect them to be that good, the RE nurse said "you sound surprised" I was not surprised I was shocked. Hoping they keep climbing until our next B/W on Thursday 7DPO.

I am getting my booster shot tonight, she said I probably do not need it but they will do it anyways just to cover all bases. I already had it in my mind that even if they said no shot tonight I was going to ask if I could do it anyways, I am afraid since my Ovary finally is doing it's job may decide tomorrow to stop. Glad I am getting it.

So maybe we actually have a chance this cycle. I was not feeling good about it yesturday b/c of all the cramps I was having, but now to know at least my hormones are getting back to normal range that is a good sign.

Hard day and a story...

I am having one of those days , I want a baby so badly day. Watching Avery play with her baby dolls and be all Motherly to them, brought tears to my eyes. I want that BFP so I can once again take care of a baby. Those baby smells and sounds make my heart melt. I want that so badly and it is so hard to look at Avery and think it may never happen for us again. It breaks my heart. I truly believe not having more children would effect her life, in some way. Also having another child will effect her life as well. So either way our IF will be influencing her life. It is all overwhelming.

STORY (as promised)

We were at a Yard Sale yesturday (selling) and a lady asked my MOM what sizes the childrens clothes were, when my MOM answered she said to the lady "well how old are your children?" the lady almost jumped my MOM with hugs, saying thank you thank you for not syaing my grnadchildren, and she went on to tell my MOM she has 2, one boy and one girl twins that are 1 1/2. They went through IF. My MOM then started telling her about us and how we are having trouble. SO by this time I get the end of the conversation and the lady calls me over, tells me here entire IF story (took 16 years of trying, 1 IVF with donor eggs and she got her twins at the age of 48!!!) I congratulated her and told her that we are hoping not to move to IUI or IVF b/c of paying out of pocket but if it comes down to that IUI is all we can afford. She wished me well, gave me some tips on dealing with IF and told me if my RE's office is not working well to see her RE office. Now I did not know there was 2 RE's offices in my area, now I know. It was nice to see a success story, gives me hope since I am only 29. But it still scares the crap out of me, I am afraid it will never happen again for me.

Cinderella Died.

Now before you are confused, let me start my saying, my DD loves Disney Princesses... We got her two hermit crabs at the beach in June and she named them herself. Cindrella (purple shell) and Belle (cream shell) anyways this afternoon DH poked at Cinderella and she was limp. He told me in secret and I went to check, YES she died. Well I had to explain this to DD, but before the broke the news I called Pet Co to see if they had Small Hermit crabs, 1: hermit crabs should not be alone and 2: this was my back up plan if she cried about it I would offer to buy her a new one. So the convo went like this...

Me: Avery I need to tell you something, look at Mommy
Avery: (LOOKS AT MOMMY)
Me: cinderella got very sick and she is no longer eating and moving so we have to throw her away
Avery: Throw her away, WHY?
Me: well sweetie she died and that means we have to throw her away.
Avery: (CONFUSED)
Me: woudl you liek to say goodbye to Cinderella so we can throw her away?
Avery: Yes, (runs over to Cinderella who by this time is in a cup)
Me: say Goodbye to cinderella
Avery: Bye Bye Cinderella (waving and then turns and opens the trash can - my 1st thought is OH she was listening to me)
Me: OK bye cinderella
Avery: Can I get a NEW Cinderella, Belle needs a best friend
Me: Sure (my master plan was to do this but lets pretend it was her idea)

Happily we go to Pet Co, on the way there, Avery tells me that Cinderella is SAD that she was in the trash can, but she is sick. Belle needs a Friend, We are buying her Friends..

So in Pet Co we end up buying two extra small hermit crabs... She named them... Cinderella and Belle, when I reminded her Belle was still at home healthy and happy, she said she will name them Cindrella and Ariel.

So now we have 3 hermit crabs, Belle, Cinderella (#2) and Ariel... Now we need a bigger cage. They seem happy and I am happy we did not have major crying over this!

On the TTC front... Nothing new, cramping off and on, taking a warm shower if they get bad, trying to keep my uterus calm... I also spoke with a lady today that went through IF and IVF and you ill not believe her story... I will post that tomorrow.

Offically the 2WW!

Whewwww... I am offically in the 2WW hoping all the sex will pay off. At first I was thankful for no more times / planned sex but then panick set in, b/c if this cycle does not work, we will be moving to injectiables, b/c of my progestrone levels after O. I have b/w on Monday to check my progestrone levels and then will be receiveing my first booster shot to help with that. I am really hoping it is IT! I really need this BFP, b/c I am going crazy and starting to get slightly depressed and that is not good.

Books to read...

I love to read, I do not get to do it often because when I have classes in the fall and spring, I am reading for my Master Classes instead (YUCK), so in the summer I am able to read real novels and stuff I choose. My favorite author is Jennifer Weiner, I have read almost everything she has and just ordered another one of her novels to read this summer. I also started trying to find anything about INFERTILITY and TTC, I just started this book called "A FEW GOOD EGGS" (as suggested by Andrea - Bella and her Fella) and after reading the first chapter I am in LOVE with it and know it will be hard to put it down, which will not be good for my housework and ebay business, but I am hooked.

If you want to read anything else about Infertility (some are fiction and some are not)here are some I have read or am going to read.

Certain Girls by Jennifer Weiner (a follow up to the first book "Good in Bed" - character suffers secondary infertility)

A Waiting Womb - about secondary infertility

Hannah's Hope - more religious side of infertility (recommeneded by MAYDAYGIRL)

A Few Good Eggs - started this one today (love it already)

Unsung Lullaby - have not read yet, about a couple suffering Inferility. (plan on reading after AFGE)

Are there any books about Infertility primary or secondary you want to suggest? I only have 6 more weeks to READ for ME!

PREGNANT LADIES...

go to www.littleladybugscloset.com

I just listed my winter / fall maternity clothes... for cheap!

RE's Office...

When you go into my RE's office there are two waiting areas, one for the GYNO patients and one for the IF patients. In a way I am glad there are two waiting rooms, b/c a lot of women actually bring there children to their GYNO appointment, never ever would I do that, Avery came with my once for a follie check (I had no choice almost all my family was on vacation and DH at work and BF was 45 mintues away) but she is 2 and has no idea what was going on all she cared about was the snack I handed her when we went into the u/s room, but I avoid taking her to appointments ever.

Anyways in the RE waiting area, all the ladies never talk or look at each other, not that I think it shoud be a huge bond fest but at least smile and say HI. On Monday morning it was especially busy, probably because of the holiday weekend, but we all sat there trying not to look at each other let alone talk to one another. Why is this, you would think IF would cause people to get some support from someone who has been through it IRL. But all I am looking for is a HELLO, you do not have to tell me your life story. I know I would not start the conversation with someone, but a smile and a hello would be nice. It just had me thinking how quiet people are about IF, we ladies sitting in that waiting room, we all know why we are there and even though our journeys are different it be nice to share it, but we all want to get our b/w, u/s and consult and get out. I have seen the same lady there twice, we must be on the same cycle Days, but never once would she even look at me. I did talk to one lady once when I was there, it was because she was in the u/s room and a camera was there and when she came out I asked her if she left her camera, she told me YES and took it and said they would not allow her to take pictures of her BIG moment, yes she just found out she was pregnant and was there for the first u/s, so is that what it takes to get someone to smile or even say hello to you, getting pregnant. Even though I do understand, Monday when I was there and found out my lining was a 6, I did not want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to get to the car and cry. I do not know if this post makes any sense, I just needed to get this observation off my chest.

On another note, one more day of BDing... Then the 2WW offically begins, I am really nervous that this might NOT be our month. But I guess we will see. Plus my BUTT hurts, last cycle when I had the trigger shot I do not remember it hurting this much the next day, maybe my MOM got the needle deeper then my sister did last cycle, who knows.

I also had a slight feeling to POAS today just to see those two lines, I LOVE those two lines, just want them to be REAL two lines. I am not sure if I will pee out my trigger this cycle, probably will end up doing it b/c I have a ton of cheapie HPTs laying around. But maybe I should hold back, b/c I am getting the two extra trigger shots.

Hope everyone is well.

Saw Dh's Sperm

I had my post coital test today, we actually were able to have sex this AM, was worried it would not happen b/c as soon as one of us gets up DD is usually up too.

So I go in for my test and she actually shows me my stretchy EWCM, I could not believe it looked like that! I always check my CM and never ever seen it stretchy or EW it is always watery, so I was so excited that I actually have EWCM! may skip the entire tube of preseed this cycle.

So after the Post Coital procedure, I got my b/w done and went in for the u/s, I had a 21 follie and a 17 maybe 18 follie, which I guess could grow more. I did not pay much attention to the second follie just the first one, b/c they said that would be the one that would definately release. Plus my lining went from a 6 to an 8!!!! I was so excited, but it gets better, the nurse then showed my the post coital slides on the microscope, it was so cool! All the sperm was swimming through my CM with ease, except one sperm which was swimming in circles, chasing it's tail, which I thought was cute to see, knowing that sperm was the bad sperm. Poor one little sperm. I just kept thinking WOW WOW WOW, this is so neat to see. Afterwards the one techantion said to me "are you the proud owner of those guys" I said "yes I am" The RE Nurse told me that was the best post coital test she has seen in weeks, but not to tell my DH that it was SUPER b/c he may change his mind on the SA, which she does need for next cycle.

So I trigger tonight, go back on Monday for b/w and another shot and then we are off. BD fest for the next two days. I also had acupuncture today! I actually feel asleep, which hardly ever happens. PRAYING this cycle works out well.

I did end up telling DH his sperm pasted the test with flying colors, but they still need that SA, he says "but I have super sperm" I gave him a look then he said "I will work on getting the SA in I know I know" I also told him about the one sperm that swam in circles and he called it his one drunk sperm. Only he would say this.

When we conceived DD he said the same thing I have super sperm, guess he is not modest.

All in all it was a better day then yesturday! I hate the ups and downs of IF it sucks, but when you have good days it feels so good.

Now I feel bad...

about venting about my DH.

He got home from his second job and gave me a hug and I said with tears in my eyes, "I just really want a baby" he said "I know, it will all work itself out"

Which I know it will, TTCing especially with IF thrown in there is just so stressful.

TOLD DH...

He was not happy, I think he thinks I over reacting to all this, I told him that I am just informing him about what is going on. The biggest issue in all this is that damn SA TEST, he has yet to do! He says he can do it when he is able b/c of work right now it is not possible, now he has been syaing this since April, I corrected him and said he needs ot do this after this week, before my next cycle starts. He rolls hims eyes and of course that gets me going and I go on and on about how this is important and we need to get all our Ts crossed before moving onto another treatment plan, I also ask what will happen when a IUI rolls around and he has to be there on command. He says to me, I need a couple days notice so I can let my boss know. I say well you will probably get 36-48 hours notice.

I just do not know what to do to make him understand this SA thing is important... Yes we Conceived our DD and had a healthy pregnancy, but a lot can change since we last conceived, and he married me knowing fertility issues could happen. I do not think it is a work issue, I think he is embrassed to ask to come in late to work from putting his guys in a cup. I told him he can tell him boss it is me not him.

I just think he should step up and be a man and get it done, for our family. The things that worries me in all this is #1 the cost this might come to and he changes his mind about doing it #2 that since he has already stated just having DD and no more children is NOT the end of the world for him, that he will decide all this is not worth it and we will stop TTCing.

I am so upset, he left for his second job that he works on Mondays and wednesdays and I cried on the phone to my MOM. My DH is not a bad person, just not as much as a planner as I am, he is more of a lets not worry about it yet but do not push me into it kinda person, but now is the time to worry and get going on what we HAVE to do. I am so upset, which again is not good for my stress level. We have yet to figure out how this will work out, I want to shake him and say it is just a STUPID SA, do it already!

RE Called...

We are not triggering tonight b/c my estrogen was only a 182, so my follies are not ready yet. It also looks like injectiables might be where we are headed. Anyways, she wants to do a post coital test tomorrow to see how the swimmers are doing in my CM since we have not done a SA as of yet. So DH and I are ordered to have sex in the wee hours of the morning like 5:30am and I am to come in at 8:00am. I have not told DH yet he should be home within a hour. My DD sleeps with us, she is scared of her own bed and Mommy needs her sleep. Anyways, this should work out "nicely". yeah right, we never have AM sex unless we get lucky. Oh and the RE Nurse said to lay in bed for 30 mintues afterwards to allow the spermmies to get up there.

Follie check...

Could have went better...

So today is CD13, I had two follies, one 16 and one 20. My lining was only a 6. So after I did the b/w and u/s the RE nurse always takes you into the office to give me further instructions...

Well she mentioned that my lining as thin, not where they like it to be, she asked how my CM was, I told her I normally get no CM, watery never EW. So she said this could go several ways after the DR reviews my chart and gets my b/w back... But DH must do his SA in the next two week, after I finally O because they need a bigger picture, now I have to break the news to him. I felt like this cycle did not ven start yet but it is already over.

Poss scenios she mentioned

1. May have to go in for a CM check tomorrow... if my CM is not good but my lining looks better we may be doing a IUI.

2. IF everything is fine, then we continue doing TI for this cycle and do the booster shots.

3. Next cycle if no BFP this cycle, we most likely be injectables, depending on how the CM check goes and how the SA comes back we maybe be doing a IUI next cycle.

Everything is UP IN THE AIR at this point until the DR gets back to us... SO I am hoping TI is the way to go, b/c once a IUI comes into play we are completely OOP. I am so nervous and scared, which is not good for my stress level.

EDD

Well, here it is, we started TTCing in August 2007, I went off the pill, got my period, started trying but did not O for two months. We I finally got ready to O the DR did not want us to have sex b/c it is a really late O and poor quality egg, of course we did not listen. If I would have gotten pregnant that month I would have been due this week. So all the ladies who got pregnant during our first cycle TTCing are having their babies now. So sad. I realized this morning, that even though we knew we would not get pregnant right away (we did not get pregnant right away with DD) but thought it may be faster this time around, nope. So here I am trying to see the bright side, but I can not find any.

Could it be?

I started having achiness in my Ovary area (remember I only have one ovary) and today is CD11, I started to worry that I might O early. I usually O on CD 16 with medication but this feeling got me worried. My Follie check is not till Monday. We are holding off from having sex until we trigger, then we will do our three days in a row thing. I think we start having sex too early then maybe his supply has run out of fresh guys by the time O rolls around. I know I think too much into it. I am praying this is our month. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. I did end up crying late last night before bad. I think holding it in all day did not help. It also did not help that my DH's family kept commenting it was time for another one, Dh's side of the family knows nothing about our TTC efforts or our IF, just my side of the familyknows. I digress... I ended up taking a OPK just to check to see if maybe I am surging, but I am not. Which means I am the crazy lady that reads all the signs and gets worried I missed my O.

few moments..

Today went well, lots of food and people, having a nice time, even though it rained a little, people still sat under the patio and umbrellas, I was a little nervous how the rain thing was going to work out b/c our house is not that big.

I almost cried twice today, but held back. Once when my family was asking my aunt what she thinks she is having ( I had to walk away) and once when my friend brought over her baby (who I love to death), I held him and later went into my pantry and tried to hold it together, my Mom followed me, and keep saying it will be fine, hold it together. I guess she could tell I was ready to lose it.

All in all it was good day... Now I just have to get through tomorrow.

Oh, and I am having NO Ovary aches, that makes me worried b/c those follies are suppost to be growing. Come on guys!

HAPPY 4th!

Having a bad night...

I am crying and crying. I just want that BFP soon, I not sure how much longer I can do this. Damn CLOMID.

Will I get through it???

I have been cleaning like a manic, I have over 35 people coming tomorrow for our 4th of July picnic. I am excited to entertain because we do not do it often. Plus there will be people here that have never been here since we moved in. I hope everything goes smoothly. I still have to finish cleaning and go food shopping, and make the food all tonight!!! DH has a lot yard stuff to get ready too. Talk about a last minute couple.

I also do not know how I will handle tomorrow, one of my family members that is coming is pregnant. I have not seen her in over a month and just seeing her belly grow is going to make me sad. I want that so badly, and while I am happy for them, they deserve another baby (just like everyone else) I wish it was me that got pregnant easily and not have to go through all the appointments and hormones etc. Why can I not get pregnant.

I know I will get over it once she arrives, but that does not mean that I will be upset for me. I am upset for me.

Then on Saturday I have another picnic at my SILs and there probably will be a girl there who is pregnant with her second, I will be surrounded by them! I just have to get through this weekend and Monday will be my first follie check, hoping for at least 2 good follies this cycle. I only had one great follie last cycle. I hate wishing days away but that is how I live right now. Hoping for the next check up with the DR, b/w or u/s.

This morning I was cleaning up toys downstairs in our REC Room and saw some peek a boo blocks that Avery loves still, and thought someday I will have to put these away and no other baby of mine will ever play with them. I know I have to stop thinking that way, I WILL have a baby one day we hope, but that is how my mind works. It seems so impossible... I need to be more positive.

OHHHH MASSAGE...

I am on the road to stress free living (trying anyways). I got my Mother's Day massage today and I love my massage therapist, I have been to her in the past and she does not miss a spot. I felt really good. Now tonight I will get my stiff neck as usual but that is OK, she told me she felt no hard spots and I seemed relaxed. If she only knew. I Hope to carry this stress free life through the cycle. I think alot of my problem lies with so much anxiety I feel during TTC. I have to be aware if when I am obsessing and stressing out.

I PRAY this is our month, but being stress free is hard work.

Nothing to post...

I try to write everyday but I have nothing to write today. But I did go to the GYM, maybe walking uphill on the treadmill will help with my stress level. Maybe stress is holding my hormones back. Maybe not.