PLAN...

RE called yesturday and the nurse was totally surprised AF came b/c she said I had an excellent cycle. I am doing the same protocol next cycle, clomid 50MG days 5-9 and HCG shots, one to trigger Oing, and one 4DPO and 7 DPO. They were planing on moving to injectables but the DR thought since this cycle went so well let's try one more time. Hoping that works because I am not really sure how much more of this I can take. I am so depressed.

I was fine all day until I saw one of my SIL friends while out Yard saling who is very pregnant. My MOM said later that I am a bitter person and do not know how to be happy for other people. I cried while she explained she understands what I am going through, she has no clue. She says I can not take my bitterness out on pregnant people and be happy for them. I explained I am happy for them just sad for me. She said my sister is afraid to get pregnant now b/c she is afraid of how I will react. I know I will be happy for her but very very sad for me. I told my MOM that I am already prepared for her to get pregnant before me, b/c at this point I am starting to feel this may not be in the cards for me. Maybe I am not ment to have another. I beat all odds of having DD on my own, maybe that was all I was suppost to have. I have already started planning my life if I can not get pregnant.

1. I plan on taking DD on big vacations every summer, I am talking Disney, europe etc. Right now we go for FREE to my parents beach house in Cape May.

2. Plan on quitting my job ( I work with pregnant and parenting teens) a job I used to LOVE but now it takes everything I have just to go into the office somedays.

3. Before I quit my job I plan on finishing my masters in guidance counseling (never planned on being a guidance counselor - b/c I thought I would be at my current job until I retire)

4. Then when DD starts school I would look for a position as a guidance counselor

5. Take down the wall between DD's room and the spare room, since I will not need that room anymore. DD's room right now is the size of a closet, so this would open it up a bit.

6. SPOIL DD ROTTEN and when people tell me that I spoil her, I can say "YOU never felt the heart break it is to not be able to have more children so shove it"

I have always wanted 3 children, settled for two b/c that is all DH wanted, lately whenever I look into the future all I see if one child by my side. I am so sad that is all I can imagine.