Another day...

I woke up this morning not feeling any better, I am hoping as the day goes on I will feel better, I keep telling myself that This cycle failed move onto the next, but that is so hard, I think it is hard b/c the nurse told me it was a perfect cycle, so what went wrong? And will the next cycle be a failure too.

I am also having a problem with my Mom, she has always been my best friend and there for me but lately I feel like she does not get what I am going through and is judging my feelings. I told her I feel like a failure. She thinks I should just suck it up move on, be glad for Avery (which I am) and if it does not happen oh well, life goes on. While all this maybe true it is hard. I am surrounded by pregnant girls all day at my job and in my family. How can I not think about how much my body has failed me. Then I think about all the ladies who have been trying longer then me or with IVF and get sad for them too. It is not fair. I am at the point where I used to talk to my Mom all the time about this, b/c DH is laid back and thinks it will happen if it is meant to happen while she was my rock to lean on, I feel I can not lean anymore.

She is also the one who gives me my shots, since DH would pass out if he had to (no help there), I am thinking maybe I brought her too much into this situation and her giving me my shots has made her a part of this process and maybe I should stop doing that. I am thinking I have to figure out how to give myself the shots, which I think I could but they are in my butt, so that maybe a challenge. I do have a friend who would do it ( she is a MA), but she lives 30 mintues away, but if I can not do it myself maybe I will use her as a back up. Do you think I could do this myself, does anyone else give their shots in their butt themselves?

On a lighter note, I am taking DD to get her pictures taken at a new studio in our area. She has not had her pictured taken since Christmas and I try to do it again in the summer time. I am hoping she will allow me to curl her hair.

BAD DAY...

I cried most the day today... I am taking this cycle being over very hard. I am not sure why, I did have a slight good feeling as of Monday about this cycle and went to bed last night thinking tomorrow's temp will make or break the cycle. Seeing that low temp put me over the edge. I cried to my MOM this Morning when I dropped off DD and she gave me all the normal, it will happen when it is meant to be, Not the right time yet, it will happen and if it doesn't it is not the end of the world. This afternoon I cried to her again over the phone, she told to to buckel up and move on (not so motherly) and be grateful for what I have. AM I BEING MISUNDERSTOOD?? I am grateful for DD more then anything. My heart goes out to those without child who want them badly, I too want that again. After I settled down a bit, I POAS (b/c AF has yet to arrive) so I thought what the heck... BFN.

I also thought long and hard about the WHAT IFs. What if we are unable to have more children and as much as it breaks my heart to think about it, will I be OK? Will I be able to not regret having a sibling for DD? I mean we will be able to have more money for vacations and to spoil DD, but do I really want that? I want her to have someone to grow up with to share things with. I am not sure if I will be able to sit by and watch my friends and family have more kids and not feel the emptiness inside me? I do not want regrets but not having another child will bring huge regret to me, I know it will.

I also worry about all the money we could potentially spend on having another child worries me if the outcome is NO BABY. That sits in the back of my mind all the time. Will that regret creep back in when I pay that bill every month, spending money on something that never happened.

I am so sad lately, just plain sad. I am tried of being SAD, I want the old me back, but I have already moved too much forward with treatment it is hard to turn back. With every failed cycle I get deeper into feeling sad and negative about the whole thing. I want to be hopful again. When will that happen?

1st clomid pill tonight & MORE

I take my first pill tonight, hopfully it is my last 1st pill ever. I am really hoping this is our month. I am trying to be more positive.

I have a lot going on before our July 7th follie check so I am hoping that the next week goes by fast. We are currently getting ready for a 4th of July picnic at our house, we will have lots of food! Stop by if you like, I would love to meet some of you guys IRL.

DD told me this morning while playing with her baby alive wet n wiggles doll that her baby was her best friend. My heart sank, she would make a great BIG SISTER! Just wish it would happen soon.

Told my MOM about my FSH level and she was happy for me, then I asked her then if the Number is so good what is the problem? I have eggs why are they not implanting? She said in Gods Time, I hate when she says this b/c I know she is right. But what is God waiting for? Tell me so I can just do it.

PRAY THIS IS OUR MONTH!