few moments..

Today went well, lots of food and people, having a nice time, even though it rained a little, people still sat under the patio and umbrellas, I was a little nervous how the rain thing was going to work out b/c our house is not that big.

I almost cried twice today, but held back. Once when my family was asking my aunt what she thinks she is having ( I had to walk away) and once when my friend brought over her baby (who I love to death), I held him and later went into my pantry and tried to hold it together, my Mom followed me, and keep saying it will be fine, hold it together. I guess she could tell I was ready to lose it.

All in all it was good day... Now I just have to get through tomorrow.

Oh, and I am having NO Ovary aches, that makes me worried b/c those follies are suppost to be growing. Come on guys!

Will I get through it???

I have been cleaning like a manic, I have over 35 people coming tomorrow for our 4th of July picnic. I am excited to entertain because we do not do it often. Plus there will be people here that have never been here since we moved in. I hope everything goes smoothly. I still have to finish cleaning and go food shopping, and make the food all tonight!!! DH has a lot yard stuff to get ready too. Talk about a last minute couple.

I also do not know how I will handle tomorrow, one of my family members that is coming is pregnant. I have not seen her in over a month and just seeing her belly grow is going to make me sad. I want that so badly, and while I am happy for them, they deserve another baby (just like everyone else) I wish it was me that got pregnant easily and not have to go through all the appointments and hormones etc. Why can I not get pregnant.

I know I will get over it once she arrives, but that does not mean that I will be upset for me. I am upset for me.

Then on Saturday I have another picnic at my SILs and there probably will be a girl there who is pregnant with her second, I will be surrounded by them! I just have to get through this weekend and Monday will be my first follie check, hoping for at least 2 good follies this cycle. I only had one great follie last cycle. I hate wishing days away but that is how I live right now. Hoping for the next check up with the DR, b/w or u/s.

This morning I was cleaning up toys downstairs in our REC Room and saw some peek a boo blocks that Avery loves still, and thought someday I will have to put these away and no other baby of mine will ever play with them. I know I have to stop thinking that way, I WILL have a baby one day we hope, but that is how my mind works. It seems so impossible... I need to be more positive.