heavy heart

Today I woke up with a heavy heart... I am scared. I am afraid that I will be heartbroken for the rest of my life. DD wanted to play dolls this morning, I played a little but then she called the dolls sisters and that shot right through me. I know she would make a great big sister and one of the things I am looking forward to is seeing her with her own sibiling and how much love she will shower over him or her. That all breaks my heart... I know you guys are probably tired of my whining, but I do not know how to feel any other way lately. I was hopful yesturday and today no so much, remember I hate rollercoasters.

My first follie check is on Wednesday, my ovary is achy which makes me think it is growing those follies.

Plus our SA comes back this week. Hoping for good numbers, actually I feel sick when I think about it.

I also get full of anxiety over paying out of pocket for treatment, there is so much more this money can be spent on, but that has been put on hold until we are blessed with a baby. I wish ebay woud pick up more b/c that is where our IF treatment money is coming from, my business, since our paychecks go towards hosueholds bills and we stick to a budget. DD starts school in Sept (2 days a week) and I planned on using ebay money to pay for that too... really hoping I am pregnant by then.

So much to think about and worry about, I hate how IF controls my life.