BAD DAY...

I cried most the day today... I am taking this cycle being over very hard. I am not sure why, I did have a slight good feeling as of Monday about this cycle and went to bed last night thinking tomorrow's temp will make or break the cycle. Seeing that low temp put me over the edge. I cried to my MOM this Morning when I dropped off DD and she gave me all the normal, it will happen when it is meant to be, Not the right time yet, it will happen and if it doesn't it is not the end of the world. This afternoon I cried to her again over the phone, she told to to buckel up and move on (not so motherly) and be grateful for what I have. AM I BEING MISUNDERSTOOD?? I am grateful for DD more then anything. My heart goes out to those without child who want them badly, I too want that again. After I settled down a bit, I POAS (b/c AF has yet to arrive) so I thought what the heck... BFN.

I also thought long and hard about the WHAT IFs. What if we are unable to have more children and as much as it breaks my heart to think about it, will I be OK? Will I be able to not regret having a sibling for DD? I mean we will be able to have more money for vacations and to spoil DD, but do I really want that? I want her to have someone to grow up with to share things with. I am not sure if I will be able to sit by and watch my friends and family have more kids and not feel the emptiness inside me? I do not want regrets but not having another child will bring huge regret to me, I know it will.

I also worry about all the money we could potentially spend on having another child worries me if the outcome is NO BABY. That sits in the back of my mind all the time. Will that regret creep back in when I pay that bill every month, spending money on something that never happened.

I am so sad lately, just plain sad. I am tried of being SAD, I want the old me back, but I have already moved too much forward with treatment it is hard to turn back. With every failed cycle I get deeper into feeling sad and negative about the whole thing. I want to be hopful again. When will that happen?