When HOPE fizzles out

I had slight hope yesturday with my slight spotting. But I convinced myself it had to be from the sex. Then this morning I checked my cervix and it was high, I thought, maybe? then said there is no way I could be pregnant my progestrone was low and that makes all my hope fall apart. I hate this waiting game. I wish Sunday was here so AF would start and I can move on to my medicated cycle.

I feel like I live my life on pins and needles 24/7, am I? No I can not be? The back and forth just makes time slow down and hope start to disappear.

I do not plan on taking a HPT with me on vacation, just tampons and pads. Maybe AF will not come, but I will be prepared. Being on vacation this weekend will also help in not testing, b/c my Mom will be there, even though she knows AF is to arrive on Sunday. If it doesn't she will probably go out and buy me a test. She told my hairdresser on Monday (after the hairdresser commented that my hair was curlier then normal) that I was probably pregnant, to which I gave her the look of don't go there. Even though I truly hope I am, but probably not.

When I was pregnant with DD, I had no symptoms and convinced myself I was not pregnant. When I took the test I felt a sense of relief and excitement. I want that feeling again.

Again this time I have no symptoms, but then again it is early I am only 11DPO. I always get cramps from O day on and I had none up until last night, when I was lying in bed and felt then start. Which again made hope fizzle out. I started feeling slight cramps today too. Also I am tired, but I always am tired so I can never count that as a symptom.

Sorry to ramble, just woke up this morning with that feeling of MAYBE - to have it quickly fizzle out when I justify why those things are happening or not happening.