Grateful

I am so grateful for so many things in my life, but when I am down like I have been for the last week, it is harder and harder to get that sense of gratefulness back.

I love my Daughter (sometimes more then my DH - SHHHHH!) I can not see life without her. She is a miracle baby to me. Even though we were always told we would not conceive without medical help b/c of my condition and past history, we were able to. I remember having the appt with the RE and calling to cancel b/c I got a positive pregnancy test. Relief in so many ways. Throughtout my pregnancy I did not complain once, not once! I was so grateful to have that baby. I did not care how I looked or felt I was just gushing.

The day she was born (bad labor story - will tell at sometime later) all the pain was worth it, at the moment they laid her on me, I was instantly in LOVE. I was on such a HIGH, I knew at that moment what my purpose in life was, it was to be her Mother, I have always wanted 3 children and now am afraid Avery will be my only one. That thought is so heartbreaking.

Avery told me yesturday out of the blue (remember she is 2 1/2) that I am her best friend, while that made me so happy to hear it also broken my heart. Is that how it is going to be the rest of my life, just her and I.

I told my Mom I had such confidence in these treatment, before this cycle, and for some reason that has all followen apart, maybe b/c we are getting closer to no more options, at least when I was on clomid I knew if it did not work we would move to injectables, but what is next? For us (according to DH) nothing, b/c he does not want to do IVF.

Maybe I feel this way b/c I have had a horrible past week. I need to get that HOPE back, I can still be guarded just want some HOPE.

I have read so many books out there about Secondary Infertility and they say women who have a positive experience with parenting take this struggle even harder. That is me. I love to parent.

Let me also say I am not jealous of people having #1 especially if it was a struggle for them. I am actually excited for them, my hairdresser just told me she is TTCing and I was excited for her. When people anncounce #2 that is where I get upset, with why can't that be me. Also having two fmaily members pregnant with #2 now does not help my sanity.

So back to topic, I am grateful to have my Daughter and feel so lucky to be her Mom. She is the greatest kid in the world.