I am so grateful for so many things in my life, but when I am down like I have been for the last week, it is harder and harder to get that sense of gratefulness back.
I love my Daughter (sometimes more then my DH - SHHHHH!) I can not see life without her. She is a miracle baby to me. Even though we were always told we would not conceive without medical help b/c of my condition and past history, we were able to. I remember having the appt with the RE and calling to cancel b/c I got a positive pregnancy test. Relief in so many ways. Throughtout my pregnancy I did not complain once, not once! I was so grateful to have that baby. I did not care how I looked or felt I was just gushing.
The day she was born (bad labor story - will tell at sometime later) all the pain was worth it, at the moment they laid her on me, I was instantly in LOVE. I was on such a HIGH, I knew at that moment what my purpose in life was, it was to be her Mother, I have always wanted 3 children and now am afraid Avery will be my only one. That thought is so heartbreaking.
Avery told me yesturday out of the blue (remember she is 2 1/2) that I am her best friend, while that made me so happy to hear it also broken my heart. Is that how it is going to be the rest of my life, just her and I.
I told my Mom I had such confidence in these treatment, before this cycle, and for some reason that has all followen apart, maybe b/c we are getting closer to no more options, at least when I was on clomid I knew if it did not work we would move to injectables, but what is next? For us (according to DH) nothing, b/c he does not want to do IVF.
Maybe I feel this way b/c I have had a horrible past week. I need to get that HOPE back, I can still be guarded just want some HOPE.
I have read so many books out there about Secondary Infertility and they say women who have a positive experience with parenting take this struggle even harder. That is me. I love to parent.
Let me also say I am not jealous of people having #1 especially if it was a struggle for them. I am actually excited for them, my hairdresser just told me she is TTCing and I was excited for her. When people anncounce #2 that is where I get upset, with why can't that be me. Also having two fmaily members pregnant with #2 now does not help my sanity.
So back to topic, I am grateful to have my Daughter and feel so lucky to be her Mom. She is the greatest kid in the world.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
I need to get out of this FUNK.
Because I feel like I am living in a dase and am not able to accomplish anything...
Dh and I went to dinner last night - alone. His parents gave us money for our anniversary and we figured we better use it on dinner rather then bills (IL know nothing about IF issues) At dinner DH and I had a long talk about things we want. We have had these talks before but this time it felt like it was more like dreams then it will actually happen. Before our IF issues Dh always wanted to Build a house. He has talked about this for a while, but financially we were not in a place to do it. We sold our last tiny house and bought the house we are currently in b/c it was slightly bigger and we could afford it. Ever since he still talks about building soon. Well in order to build we have a few bills to pay off, I have a nice little ebay business going and make good money (at least for me) normally all that money goes towards things we need that just come up (this month it was the $500 I had to pay to fix my car) and paying down debt. Well then IF started and now all my ebay money goes towards the medication, it actually sucks to be giving out your debit card number to the pharmacy so you can pay for your meds. I actually had a slight nervous break down after I got off the phone after I paid for the meds b/c we could have used that money for so much more. I feel like b/c we are completely Out of Pocket I should just flush the money down the toilet with every failed cycle. Because that is exactly what this is like. I feel like I have wasted so much money on our failed cycles. It sucks, if money was not the issue I guess I would feel better. Back to Topic, so after our discussion last night of BABY, Pay down DEBT and start looking for Land, I felt like I am crushing DH's dream of building. I realize it is just a house and a baby is more important (at least to me) I was a little sad. I started with the what ifs again, what if in the end of all this we still come up empty handed and just have more debt to deal with. I hate this feeling. I want so badly to take my Daughter to Disney b/c she would freak to see those Princesses and I just want to see her face light up. Our life is on hold. That is how I feel. I can not plan or spend money on anything b/c we may need it, for IF treatments. LIMBO SUCKS. I just want to move on with my life and start making plans again.
I woke up this morning, not wanting to get out of bed, just with this huge sense of sadness. If this does not work out, we will just be left with a pile of debt and no baby. I am afraid I will be bitter forever. I thought as soon as I got the good news my tube was open I would feel better but I don't.
I have been asking GOD for a sign for weeks. Just tell me what I am suppost to do. I always said that is my sister would get pregnant first I would stop because I do not want my Mom to watch two infants at once. This was Before IF treatments started. feel like I can not stop the rollercoaster ride, but when is it enough.
Now there were a few things that happened this week that has me confused...
Are these my signs?
Signs to stop TTCing
1. Sister got pregnant
2. nervous break down about paying for meds (after I paid I felt like I made a huge mistake - asked my Mom is I made the right decision - of course she said yes)
3. Not sure HOW we are going to pay for our next round.
4. Cyst showing up (could have cancelled the cycle myself)
5. overwhelming sense of this will not happen for us
6. found out about abnormal pap smear from MAY
7. got this guardian angel necklace at the beach last weekend (was expensive) got home and the chain is broken.
Signs to keep going
1. Tube is open
2. HSG increases your chances
3. On new protocol
4. cyst did shrink
5. everyone in my life has HOPE for me (even my DR)except myself.
I hate not having control over this, it is truly a waiting game. I hate waiting and think many of us have waiting long enough.
When my MOM told me about my sister I immediately wanted to not move to the next step and take some time off (even though the DR says I do not have time) my MOM made me swear to keep going and why they did not tell me right away is because they thought I would stop. I feel so guilty about the possibility my MOM may have to watch two babies plus my nephew and my DD. Then on the other hand I am so sad that this might NOT happen for us.
In a way I think if we did not try to get pregnant and it failed I would feel better about the BFN - because we were not truly trying - while since we are giving 100% to this process when the BFN comes it hits me harder.
Sorry so long, I just feel so sad and can not seem to let it go. I need to let it go, I am living in a state of anxiety
Dh and I went to dinner last night - alone. His parents gave us money for our anniversary and we figured we better use it on dinner rather then bills (IL know nothing about IF issues) At dinner DH and I had a long talk about things we want. We have had these talks before but this time it felt like it was more like dreams then it will actually happen. Before our IF issues Dh always wanted to Build a house. He has talked about this for a while, but financially we were not in a place to do it. We sold our last tiny house and bought the house we are currently in b/c it was slightly bigger and we could afford it. Ever since he still talks about building soon. Well in order to build we have a few bills to pay off, I have a nice little ebay business going and make good money (at least for me) normally all that money goes towards things we need that just come up (this month it was the $500 I had to pay to fix my car) and paying down debt. Well then IF started and now all my ebay money goes towards the medication, it actually sucks to be giving out your debit card number to the pharmacy so you can pay for your meds. I actually had a slight nervous break down after I got off the phone after I paid for the meds b/c we could have used that money for so much more. I feel like b/c we are completely Out of Pocket I should just flush the money down the toilet with every failed cycle. Because that is exactly what this is like. I feel like I have wasted so much money on our failed cycles. It sucks, if money was not the issue I guess I would feel better. Back to Topic, so after our discussion last night of BABY, Pay down DEBT and start looking for Land, I felt like I am crushing DH's dream of building. I realize it is just a house and a baby is more important (at least to me) I was a little sad. I started with the what ifs again, what if in the end of all this we still come up empty handed and just have more debt to deal with. I hate this feeling. I want so badly to take my Daughter to Disney b/c she would freak to see those Princesses and I just want to see her face light up. Our life is on hold. That is how I feel. I can not plan or spend money on anything b/c we may need it, for IF treatments. LIMBO SUCKS. I just want to move on with my life and start making plans again.
I woke up this morning, not wanting to get out of bed, just with this huge sense of sadness. If this does not work out, we will just be left with a pile of debt and no baby. I am afraid I will be bitter forever. I thought as soon as I got the good news my tube was open I would feel better but I don't.
I have been asking GOD for a sign for weeks. Just tell me what I am suppost to do. I always said that is my sister would get pregnant first I would stop because I do not want my Mom to watch two infants at once. This was Before IF treatments started. feel like I can not stop the rollercoaster ride, but when is it enough.
Now there were a few things that happened this week that has me confused...
Are these my signs?
Signs to stop TTCing
1. Sister got pregnant
2. nervous break down about paying for meds (after I paid I felt like I made a huge mistake - asked my Mom is I made the right decision - of course she said yes)
3. Not sure HOW we are going to pay for our next round.
4. Cyst showing up (could have cancelled the cycle myself)
5. overwhelming sense of this will not happen for us
6. found out about abnormal pap smear from MAY
7. got this guardian angel necklace at the beach last weekend (was expensive) got home and the chain is broken.
Signs to keep going
1. Tube is open
2. HSG increases your chances
3. On new protocol
4. cyst did shrink
5. everyone in my life has HOPE for me (even my DR)except myself.
I hate not having control over this, it is truly a waiting game. I hate waiting and think many of us have waiting long enough.
When my MOM told me about my sister I immediately wanted to not move to the next step and take some time off (even though the DR says I do not have time) my MOM made me swear to keep going and why they did not tell me right away is because they thought I would stop. I feel so guilty about the possibility my MOM may have to watch two babies plus my nephew and my DD. Then on the other hand I am so sad that this might NOT happen for us.
In a way I think if we did not try to get pregnant and it failed I would feel better about the BFN - because we were not truly trying - while since we are giving 100% to this process when the BFN comes it hits me harder.
Sorry so long, I just feel so sad and can not seem to let it go. I need to let it go, I am living in a state of anxiety
Friday, August 29, 2008
1st follie check... and cyst check :(
I had my first follie check this morning, I am only on cd7 so it is very early, but she wanted to get me in before the holiday weekend and check that cyst. Well the cyst got smaller, and they said may get smaller yet. Thank goodness - I really thought this cycle would be cancelled. I also had 3 follies, they were small but there and she expressed there maybe more my Tuesday, (THUMP) I almost feel over. I would like 4 but nothing more. My family insists I will have twins, me not so much. I know they will scale my meds back if I get too many follies. I hate that people think fertility meds = twins. Maybe I will do a list of my pet peeves eventually. I have a few - HA!
I am feeling better this morning, maybe b/c it was the good news I received in the last two days. I still do not know what I will say to my sister when I see her, but we will get through it. I do not think people realize how much this all hurts. It actually stings alot. The nurse told me she felt good things for me, everyone has been saying that. I feel like they say it just to make me feel better, but I do appericate it. I just do not want to get my hopes up, guess I have turned very guarded through this and as time progressives. I hate the ups and downs of things, I wish I was more positive, maybe I will get there. I think I am really positive after I leave the DR office, then it all falls apart within a hour. Maybe they will allow me to move into the Dr office?
I am also thinking of stopping acupuncture. It does relax me and seems to have kept my headaches at bay, but it is getting way too expensive, especially since I just paid 700.00 for meds this cycle. I think I rather go get a massage twice a month and I would still pay less. I will decide by Tuesday what my plan is. I feel badly b/c she has helped me, but it is just getting too pricy. If I get BFN this cycle and did not do the acupuncture I will feel badly, they say after 3-6 months if it does not work for you (meaning BFP) then it probably will not, I am on month 6 now with her. I am so confused.
How does everyone else stay positiive?
I am feeling better this morning, maybe b/c it was the good news I received in the last two days. I still do not know what I will say to my sister when I see her, but we will get through it. I do not think people realize how much this all hurts. It actually stings alot. The nurse told me she felt good things for me, everyone has been saying that. I feel like they say it just to make me feel better, but I do appericate it. I just do not want to get my hopes up, guess I have turned very guarded through this and as time progressives. I hate the ups and downs of things, I wish I was more positive, maybe I will get there. I think I am really positive after I leave the DR office, then it all falls apart within a hour. Maybe they will allow me to move into the Dr office?
I am also thinking of stopping acupuncture. It does relax me and seems to have kept my headaches at bay, but it is getting way too expensive, especially since I just paid 700.00 for meds this cycle. I think I rather go get a massage twice a month and I would still pay less. I will decide by Tuesday what my plan is. I feel badly b/c she has helped me, but it is just getting too pricy. If I get BFN this cycle and did not do the acupuncture I will feel badly, they say after 3-6 months if it does not work for you (meaning BFP) then it probably will not, I am on month 6 now with her. I am so confused.
How does everyone else stay positiive?
Thursday, August 28, 2008
HSG update...
This morning was hell. I did not sleep at all and was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up. They told me to eat breakfast, that did not happen b/c just the thought of it made me want to poke. I took my 4 advil and hurried to the hosptial. My Mom went with b/c she insisted. After I checked in I thought I was about to burst into tears any second. I held it together, thank goodness. I was not nervous about the actual procedure but the actual outcome.
They took me back and did their thing, the nurse who was there asked me about DD and it ended up we gave birth on the same day, when the DR came in she told him and he said, well we are hoping to repeat that soon.
He put the stuff inside me, cleaned my cervix, sorry if TMI and put in the catherter, it did not hurt just alittle uncomfortable, then they asked me to put my legs down (what?) that was so weird. When he put in the contrast I watched the screen but of course had no clue what I was looking at. I had alot of crmaping and pressure, the nurse kept telling to to breath deep right through it. When it was over, he went over my results, b/c at this point I am freaking b/c I have no clue what anything was on the screen.
DR told me that my tube is not blocked (hooray!) but my tube is kind of funky shaped. My uterus is bowed at the top, which he does not forsee as a problem, but the funky tube might be. He said we will do 3 injectable cycles with TI and then if I am not pregnant do a LAP on the tube, so maybe he can straighten it out. My tube is like a L, but should be like a J. If you can see what I mean.
He also added after all this, that he thinks I will be pregnant in the next 3 cycle maybe even this cycle. How can he be so optimistic? I wish I was more optmistic. I just felt like this is one more hurdle I have to worry about. I hate that feeling.
I hope he is right, I want a baby so badly. Afterwards I cried in the bathroom with my MOM, I am so scared this is not going to work and I will need surgery. I just can not get my hopes up to have them crushed, which is what has happened the last few cycles.
I hate that I am so bitter but I am. DH and I had a fight last night about the what ifs, and if IVF comes to be our future what would we do and he is staying on his NO WAY NOT DOING IT WE DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY routine. Which upsets me. I know he is supportive of all this but is tired that I am so upset all the time and that I feel if DD is our only child it will feel like the end of the world for me.
I know what you are thinking I should be happy! NO BLOCKED TUBES, but all I feel is saddness and stress.
Oh and today is our 4th anniversary and I do not feel celebrating, I am so emotionally drained.
They took me back and did their thing, the nurse who was there asked me about DD and it ended up we gave birth on the same day, when the DR came in she told him and he said, well we are hoping to repeat that soon.
He put the stuff inside me, cleaned my cervix, sorry if TMI and put in the catherter, it did not hurt just alittle uncomfortable, then they asked me to put my legs down (what?) that was so weird. When he put in the contrast I watched the screen but of course had no clue what I was looking at. I had alot of crmaping and pressure, the nurse kept telling to to breath deep right through it. When it was over, he went over my results, b/c at this point I am freaking b/c I have no clue what anything was on the screen.
DR told me that my tube is not blocked (hooray!) but my tube is kind of funky shaped. My uterus is bowed at the top, which he does not forsee as a problem, but the funky tube might be. He said we will do 3 injectable cycles with TI and then if I am not pregnant do a LAP on the tube, so maybe he can straighten it out. My tube is like a L, but should be like a J. If you can see what I mean.
He also added after all this, that he thinks I will be pregnant in the next 3 cycle maybe even this cycle. How can he be so optimistic? I wish I was more optmistic. I just felt like this is one more hurdle I have to worry about. I hate that feeling.
I hope he is right, I want a baby so badly. Afterwards I cried in the bathroom with my MOM, I am so scared this is not going to work and I will need surgery. I just can not get my hopes up to have them crushed, which is what has happened the last few cycles.
I hate that I am so bitter but I am. DH and I had a fight last night about the what ifs, and if IVF comes to be our future what would we do and he is staying on his NO WAY NOT DOING IT WE DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY routine. Which upsets me. I know he is supportive of all this but is tired that I am so upset all the time and that I feel if DD is our only child it will feel like the end of the world for me.
I know what you are thinking I should be happy! NO BLOCKED TUBES, but all I feel is saddness and stress.
Oh and today is our 4th anniversary and I do not feel celebrating, I am so emotionally drained.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Meds arrived...
Well went I for a baseline u/s and I found out I had a cyst. Thought for sure the cycle would be cancelled and I sat in the waiting room for the nburse to call me back to the office in almost tears. I held it together, thank goodness. Well the good news is they are letting me proceed, b/c the cyst was only a 16 (needs to be 20 or higher to be cancelled)whatever a 16 means.
I start my follistim tomorrow, bad news is if the cyst is still there on friday and gets any bigger, the cycle will be cancelled. Even though I start the shots. HSG still scheduled for thursday and next week I need tog et another PAP smear, b/c my one in May came back abnormal. I was never told. I was so upset. So the nurse plans to talk to my OB/GYN (who I love just alittle upset with now) and see if they shoudl repeat it next week or wait the 6 months, which would bring me to Nov. They also want to retest me for ureaplasma, b/c I tested positive for that back in 2004 and both Dh and I were treated. This is all before I got pregnant with DD. I am praying for clear tubes and a cyst that will go away!
I also got a invite for a baby shower today for Dh's cousin, who we did not know was even pregnant. I do not want to go especially since it is when Af is due this cycle. I need to find an excuse.
I start my follistim tomorrow, bad news is if the cyst is still there on friday and gets any bigger, the cycle will be cancelled. Even though I start the shots. HSG still scheduled for thursday and next week I need tog et another PAP smear, b/c my one in May came back abnormal. I was never told. I was so upset. So the nurse plans to talk to my OB/GYN (who I love just alittle upset with now) and see if they shoudl repeat it next week or wait the 6 months, which would bring me to Nov. They also want to retest me for ureaplasma, b/c I tested positive for that back in 2004 and both Dh and I were treated. This is all before I got pregnant with DD. I am praying for clear tubes and a cyst that will go away!
I also got a invite for a baby shower today for Dh's cousin, who we did not know was even pregnant. I do not want to go especially since it is when Af is due this cycle. I need to find an excuse.
Monday, August 25, 2008
UPDATE...
Well AF came 1 hour after I posted. I cried, of course I knew it was coming but kowing I was NOT pregnant really upset me.
Is this ever going to happen for me?
So this week I will be starting my follistim, on wednesday. I have my baseline tomorrow and my HSG on thursday (my anniversary) which if it comes back bad I guess we will be staying home from dinner. Then my first follie check on friday, b/c of the holiday weekend.
I just want to be pregnant already, I hate this rollercoaster. I am praying my tube is open, totally feel sick over it, b/c that will make or break us at this point.
So life is just BLAH.
Is this ever going to happen for me?
So this week I will be starting my follistim, on wednesday. I have my baseline tomorrow and my HSG on thursday (my anniversary) which if it comes back bad I guess we will be staying home from dinner. Then my first follie check on friday, b/c of the holiday weekend.
I just want to be pregnant already, I hate this rollercoaster. I am praying my tube is open, totally feel sick over it, b/c that will make or break us at this point.
So life is just BLAH.
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