Thursday, July 31, 2008
SA done...
FINALLY, it only took him 3 months to get his act together, we have to wait 1 week for the results, so bring on the anxiety!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Please pray for DH
He is doing his SA tomorrow (finally) and I am nervous about it. Hoping it is fine.
Is this how people define us???
I was watching the news this morning and something caught my attention...
The first story the reporter said Father of 7 pulls gun on son, I thought OK how does that guy get 7 kids when someone do not have one or like me 2. I would never do that to DD, I hardly ever yell at her. SO I am getting dressed they are doing the story, then the next story comes on...
Mother of 2 get hit by a car... My head started spinning, is this how society defines us, Mother of 2, Father of 7... Why could they not have said, Man pulls gun on Son or Women gets struck by the car. I know they are trying to make the story more personable, but come on. Are they going to say for a childless women, childless women gets hit by a car, or infertile women gets robbed, NOPE.
I am not sure why this bothered me so much (maybe it was the back to back stories starting out the same way - Maybe it's the drugs), for I can be defined that way too, and like it, Mother of One, but I would perfer Mother of 2. But there are other things that define me too, wife, daughter, sister, counselor, student, business women.
After the two stories and I started to think about what happens if we can not have more children, are we always going to be the couple who could not have more children but wanted them desperately. I also started to think about DD going to kindergarden and all the MOMs there with their toddlers and asking me why I do not have more, what will I say - I am broken? I recently read something the other day about a lady who wanted more children, they were only able to have one and sometimes she feels like others look at her like she was selfish for only having one child, when the truth was she could not have more... Will that be me? I did get to talk with a friend of mine at work today, I do not see her often for we are in different buildings, but it was nice to vent, at the beginning of the conversation, she said the dreaded, just stop and it will happen and at the end of my venting session, she told me she believes it will happen for us, just have HOPE. She only has one child, by choice and says she does think about what if we have another, even though she knows she will not have more her DHhad the big V, one is enough for her. She is making it work with one child, can I do that too and be at peace, I am not sure, because I think I would be filled with regret.
On a happier note, I got my Fertility Yoga DVD today and can not wait to try it. Maybe tonight maybe tomorrow but ASAP. I need so relaxing workouts and lved yoga i the past. Thanks Steph for the suggestion.
The first story the reporter said Father of 7 pulls gun on son, I thought OK how does that guy get 7 kids when someone do not have one or like me 2. I would never do that to DD, I hardly ever yell at her. SO I am getting dressed they are doing the story, then the next story comes on...
Mother of 2 get hit by a car... My head started spinning, is this how society defines us, Mother of 2, Father of 7... Why could they not have said, Man pulls gun on Son or Women gets struck by the car. I know they are trying to make the story more personable, but come on. Are they going to say for a childless women, childless women gets hit by a car, or infertile women gets robbed, NOPE.
I am not sure why this bothered me so much (maybe it was the back to back stories starting out the same way - Maybe it's the drugs), for I can be defined that way too, and like it, Mother of One, but I would perfer Mother of 2. But there are other things that define me too, wife, daughter, sister, counselor, student, business women.
After the two stories and I started to think about what happens if we can not have more children, are we always going to be the couple who could not have more children but wanted them desperately. I also started to think about DD going to kindergarden and all the MOMs there with their toddlers and asking me why I do not have more, what will I say - I am broken? I recently read something the other day about a lady who wanted more children, they were only able to have one and sometimes she feels like others look at her like she was selfish for only having one child, when the truth was she could not have more... Will that be me? I did get to talk with a friend of mine at work today, I do not see her often for we are in different buildings, but it was nice to vent, at the beginning of the conversation, she said the dreaded, just stop and it will happen and at the end of my venting session, she told me she believes it will happen for us, just have HOPE. She only has one child, by choice and says she does think about what if we have another, even though she knows she will not have more her DHhad the big V, one is enough for her. She is making it work with one child, can I do that too and be at peace, I am not sure, because I think I would be filled with regret.
On a happier note, I got my Fertility Yoga DVD today and can not wait to try it. Maybe tonight maybe tomorrow but ASAP. I need so relaxing workouts and lved yoga i the past. Thanks Steph for the suggestion.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Going to Big GUY...
Meaning my RE DR. I had an appointment this morning for my cyst check and get my prescription for clomid. While there the nurse told me she wanted to make me an appointment with Dr. S to get started on the real stuff, meaning seeing if we needed a IUI or IVF. See my OB/GYN sent me to the RE nurse thinking I do a few montiored cycles of clomid and end up pregnant so I have not offically seen or met with the RE Dr., just spoke to him on the phone on weekends when I would have a follie check. So my appointment is August 21st. If everything pans out like the last few cycles, on August 23rd, will be my beta, maybe I can have them move it up. But with temp drops I would know if AF will arrive. I am not holding out much HOPE for this cycle, guess we will see.
So we made the appointment for the 21st, she said he will probably schedule a HSG, they did not do this initially b/c I had a baby in the last 3 years, but since I only have one tube, one ovary she said he will probably request one and start me on injectables next cycle. Now depending on DH's SA and my HSG will determine the plan on the IUI. She said she would rather me have TI b/c with a good SA we would not have to do IUI right away with injectables (we are assuming DH is fine) but if my tube is blocked we are screwed, being totally out of pocket. Even the injectables and IUI would suck, it would cost me over 2,000 just for a IUI cycle with injectables. So we are now praying DH's SA comes back normal and my HSG is clear and we can get pregnant on just injectables and TI. But in reality we are praying for a BFP this cycle so we do not have to go through all that. I know I am going to be a nervous wrack until DH's SA comes back and I have a HSG. Please pray for us, we do not need another curve ball in our lifes. Please pray we get good results on our tests and not have to spend alot to make this dream come true. I am hyper-ventilating at the thought of having all this medical debt, when we have so much other debt to pay off. Please keep us in your prayers.
So we made the appointment for the 21st, she said he will probably schedule a HSG, they did not do this initially b/c I had a baby in the last 3 years, but since I only have one tube, one ovary she said he will probably request one and start me on injectables next cycle. Now depending on DH's SA and my HSG will determine the plan on the IUI. She said she would rather me have TI b/c with a good SA we would not have to do IUI right away with injectables (we are assuming DH is fine) but if my tube is blocked we are screwed, being totally out of pocket. Even the injectables and IUI would suck, it would cost me over 2,000 just for a IUI cycle with injectables. So we are now praying DH's SA comes back normal and my HSG is clear and we can get pregnant on just injectables and TI. But in reality we are praying for a BFP this cycle so we do not have to go through all that. I know I am going to be a nervous wrack until DH's SA comes back and I have a HSG. Please pray for us, we do not need another curve ball in our lifes. Please pray we get good results on our tests and not have to spend alot to make this dream come true. I am hyper-ventilating at the thought of having all this medical debt, when we have so much other debt to pay off. Please keep us in your prayers.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Intuition
When does your intuition really kick in? When should you start to believe those thoughts that creep into your mind that are worst case scenrios are to be true?
Lately I have been having those thoughts... It started last Wednesday when my temperture dropped in the AM and I thought it is over, onto the next cycle. When AF finally arrived (even though I knew it would) I started to spiral downward. Those worst case scenrios started coming into my mind. Up until now I have been pretty hopeful. I would get AF and think OK I am sad but next cycle will be it. This time, I did not think that way, I am starting to think this time it is over for good. Last cycle named a perfect cycle did not work why would the rest... Maybe I am only suppost to have one DD, while many of you reading this will think I would be glad to just have one child to love and hold, I am totally grateful for her and she is a huge blessing in our life b/c I was told I may never conceive on my own. I held out HOPE for the last few months that the next cycle will be it. This time I am not that confident. WHY? I am not sure. Maybe I am not ment to have another child. Maybe all this heartache is because I am being punished for something. I think back to when I was pregnant with DD and she was born how much JOY I had in my life. She is still my JOY but my heart hurts, I long for that feeling again.
So back to the question at hand, when do you know it is time to give up? Is this the feeling I am having?
The last few nights, since that temp drop last Wednesday I have been asking God to give me a sign either while I am awake or in my dreams, to lead me because I feel abandon, the last 5 days I have had 2 dreams, one of DH handing me the cup for he SA ( so I thought maybe there is something wrong with DH) and the other last night of a house in the country and the only people there were DH and DD and Me. Dh always talks about building a house in the middle of nowhere. Maybe those are my signs, maybe I am suppost to stop this rollercoaster ride and get off. Then the other sign I thought was suppost to be a good one was I see pregnant women everywhere.
I am starting to HATE my job, which in my wildest dreams never thought I would say, maybe I am suppost to finally my MA and get a new job? Just wish I had a psyhic tell me what to do, TELL ME WHAT I AM TO DO? WHAT PATH AN I SUPPOST TO TAKE?
When I think about stopping treatment I am confused, I want this baby so badly, but will it ever come to light, am I being impatient or negative? Everyone in my life says they see me with more children, several say twins, which drives me nuts b/c they are just saying that b/c I am on fertility drugs and stereotype of people on fertility drugs points to twins. (thanks Angelina and Brad)
I just wish I had some guidance b/c right now I feel lost. I know maybe tomorrow I will feel better once I talk to the RE nurse. I do have a few questions. Maybe that is what I need to get some clarity.
Lately I have been having those thoughts... It started last Wednesday when my temperture dropped in the AM and I thought it is over, onto the next cycle. When AF finally arrived (even though I knew it would) I started to spiral downward. Those worst case scenrios started coming into my mind. Up until now I have been pretty hopeful. I would get AF and think OK I am sad but next cycle will be it. This time, I did not think that way, I am starting to think this time it is over for good. Last cycle named a perfect cycle did not work why would the rest... Maybe I am only suppost to have one DD, while many of you reading this will think I would be glad to just have one child to love and hold, I am totally grateful for her and she is a huge blessing in our life b/c I was told I may never conceive on my own. I held out HOPE for the last few months that the next cycle will be it. This time I am not that confident. WHY? I am not sure. Maybe I am not ment to have another child. Maybe all this heartache is because I am being punished for something. I think back to when I was pregnant with DD and she was born how much JOY I had in my life. She is still my JOY but my heart hurts, I long for that feeling again.
So back to the question at hand, when do you know it is time to give up? Is this the feeling I am having?
The last few nights, since that temp drop last Wednesday I have been asking God to give me a sign either while I am awake or in my dreams, to lead me because I feel abandon, the last 5 days I have had 2 dreams, one of DH handing me the cup for he SA ( so I thought maybe there is something wrong with DH) and the other last night of a house in the country and the only people there were DH and DD and Me. Dh always talks about building a house in the middle of nowhere. Maybe those are my signs, maybe I am suppost to stop this rollercoaster ride and get off. Then the other sign I thought was suppost to be a good one was I see pregnant women everywhere.
I am starting to HATE my job, which in my wildest dreams never thought I would say, maybe I am suppost to finally my MA and get a new job? Just wish I had a psyhic tell me what to do, TELL ME WHAT I AM TO DO? WHAT PATH AN I SUPPOST TO TAKE?
When I think about stopping treatment I am confused, I want this baby so badly, but will it ever come to light, am I being impatient or negative? Everyone in my life says they see me with more children, several say twins, which drives me nuts b/c they are just saying that b/c I am on fertility drugs and stereotype of people on fertility drugs points to twins. (thanks Angelina and Brad)
I just wish I had some guidance b/c right now I feel lost. I know maybe tomorrow I will feel better once I talk to the RE nurse. I do have a few questions. Maybe that is what I need to get some clarity.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Another day...
I woke up this morning not feeling any better, I am hoping as the day goes on I will feel better, I keep telling myself that This cycle failed move onto the next, but that is so hard, I think it is hard b/c the nurse told me it was a perfect cycle, so what went wrong? And will the next cycle be a failure too.
I am also having a problem with my Mom, she has always been my best friend and there for me but lately I feel like she does not get what I am going through and is judging my feelings. I told her I feel like a failure. She thinks I should just suck it up move on, be glad for Avery (which I am) and if it does not happen oh well, life goes on. While all this maybe true it is hard. I am surrounded by pregnant girls all day at my job and in my family. How can I not think about how much my body has failed me. Then I think about all the ladies who have been trying longer then me or with IVF and get sad for them too. It is not fair. I am at the point where I used to talk to my Mom all the time about this, b/c DH is laid back and thinks it will happen if it is meant to happen while she was my rock to lean on, I feel I can not lean anymore.
She is also the one who gives me my shots, since DH would pass out if he had to (no help there), I am thinking maybe I brought her too much into this situation and her giving me my shots has made her a part of this process and maybe I should stop doing that. I am thinking I have to figure out how to give myself the shots, which I think I could but they are in my butt, so that maybe a challenge. I do have a friend who would do it ( she is a MA), but she lives 30 mintues away, but if I can not do it myself maybe I will use her as a back up. Do you think I could do this myself, does anyone else give their shots in their butt themselves?
On a lighter note, I am taking DD to get her pictures taken at a new studio in our area. She has not had her pictured taken since Christmas and I try to do it again in the summer time. I am hoping she will allow me to curl her hair.
I am also having a problem with my Mom, she has always been my best friend and there for me but lately I feel like she does not get what I am going through and is judging my feelings. I told her I feel like a failure. She thinks I should just suck it up move on, be glad for Avery (which I am) and if it does not happen oh well, life goes on. While all this maybe true it is hard. I am surrounded by pregnant girls all day at my job and in my family. How can I not think about how much my body has failed me. Then I think about all the ladies who have been trying longer then me or with IVF and get sad for them too. It is not fair. I am at the point where I used to talk to my Mom all the time about this, b/c DH is laid back and thinks it will happen if it is meant to happen while she was my rock to lean on, I feel I can not lean anymore.
She is also the one who gives me my shots, since DH would pass out if he had to (no help there), I am thinking maybe I brought her too much into this situation and her giving me my shots has made her a part of this process and maybe I should stop doing that. I am thinking I have to figure out how to give myself the shots, which I think I could but they are in my butt, so that maybe a challenge. I do have a friend who would do it ( she is a MA), but she lives 30 mintues away, but if I can not do it myself maybe I will use her as a back up. Do you think I could do this myself, does anyone else give their shots in their butt themselves?
On a lighter note, I am taking DD to get her pictures taken at a new studio in our area. She has not had her pictured taken since Christmas and I try to do it again in the summer time. I am hoping she will allow me to curl her hair.
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