ALL THE ANNOUNCEMENTS

All the blogs I read everyday are listed to the right... Most of the ladies I read about are TTCing, some are my ebay MOMMY friends. ALL the blogs I read I pray for those girls to get their BFPs. I get excited when something good happens to them, I get sad when something bad happens, I guess it is because I feel close to them. I read about their lives everyday!

Well, I have been reading some for a while and other just for a month or 2, but I am glad to say out of all the blogs I read 4 yes 4 of those ladies got their BFP in the last week. While I could be WHY NOT ME? I am excited for them, because I know their journey. I know what they have gone through and what their ups and downs were.

While I like to think they got their BFPs b/c I prayed for them, I know that is not the whole situation these ladies worked hard to get what they wanted!, SO JODI, KELLY, JEN and IP, CONGRATS TO YOU GUYS. Now I pray for STICKY HEALTHY BABIES.

I just wonder sometimes how I can be so excited and positive about their journeys, but when it comes to my own, I feel like SHIT. Please let me join you ladies soon.

almost forgot...

This is my third round of clomid, now normally I would be thinking about it all day that I need to remember to take my clomid before bed. Taking it at night to reduce side effects. I did not ahve any side effects with the last three cycle, which I guess is good. Anyways, I am getting ready for bed and realize I never took my clomid at 8pm, it is now past 11pm. So down the hatch. WTH would have happened if I would had forgotten. WHEWWWW...

Baby Stuff

I was cleaning out our storage room this morning, of course the majority of the items being stored down there are BABY ITEMS I was saving for the next baby. The longer I was down there the sadder I got. I thought maybe I should just get rid of all the items and then it will happen. Or am I wasting these items by keeping them? I am not sure. I know I said I would be more positive during this CYCLE just told you that 2 hours ago, but how can I be since it is so unknown. No one knows what will happen. Will it? won't it? Am I just making it worst by keeping all this baby stuff in my house waiting for that phantom baby to arrive? I wish there was someone out there that could say to me that they know it will happen for sure, that would make me feel better. Knowing it will happen someday.

1st clomid pill tonight & MORE

I take my first pill tonight, hopfully it is my last 1st pill ever. I am really hoping this is our month. I am trying to be more positive.

I have a lot going on before our July 7th follie check so I am hoping that the next week goes by fast. We are currently getting ready for a 4th of July picnic at our house, we will have lots of food! Stop by if you like, I would love to meet some of you guys IRL.

DD told me this morning while playing with her baby alive wet n wiggles doll that her baby was her best friend. My heart sank, she would make a great BIG SISTER! Just wish it would happen soon.

Told my MOM about my FSH level and she was happy for me, then I asked her then if the Number is so good what is the problem? I have eggs why are they not implanting? She said in Gods Time, I hate when she says this b/c I know she is right. But what is God waiting for? Tell me so I can just do it.

PRAY THIS IS OUR MONTH!

DH and I

My DH is the most supportive person in the world. Like I have said he puts up with me. I am a TYPE A personally and need to be in control of everything, while DH is TYPE B so laid back and does not worry until it happens. (did I get the TYPE A and TYPE B right?) Sometimes I wish I was more like DH, I worry about everything and I am a huge planner, I already have my future kids names picked out, what theme I will do for them, how I will handle two at once, how we will tell our parents and how I will rearrange my house to accommodate two children. DH hates when I talk about these things, b/c this means he has to think into the future. I sometimes talk about future kids and find he talking right along until he realizes I have sucked him into my world, the world of goals and plans.

I was telling him last night at dinner my plans for if we have to start paying for treatment (hoping that will not happen) and where we could potentially get the money. He just nodded and did not answer me, but I knew he was listening. He did not argue about money like he usually does. While I know in the back of my mind when it does actually happen it is going to be hard to get him to agree, he would rather spend the money to take DD on big vacations and build his dream house (all things I would like to do too) but gorwing our family is # 1 right now. He says he DOES want more children but believes it will happen on its own. I think until it becomes a huge problem that involves him he will not agree to procedures up front. Again Dh is not a planner, his motto is when it happens we can worry then.

So for this cycle I am doing what my DR says and praying for a little baby to be placed in my uterus and go with the flow. I took last cycle very hard. I do not want to do that again. Feeling that depressed is not good for me, DD or my marriage. Pray for me, b/c sometimes it feels like I have lost all HOPE. But I truly want this to happen for us, I want that family of four. I want DD is to be a BIG SISTER. I want to have a baby in the house, up all night doing feedings and diaper changes. I crave it. Will this ever happen. Guess time will tell, but I hope it is sooner rather then later.

that made my day...

The RE nurse did not call me until 3:30pm, they usually call around 1:30pm so of course my impatience took over and I started to worry there was something was wrong...

Well my FSH level was 7.5! They said that was good and to start clomid on Sunday and I will still be doing 3 shots, trigger before Oing, 2 boosters on 6DPO and 9DPO.

So maybe JULY can be OUR month! Because I was so wrong about June being our month!

what a day of almost tears...

Today was going well, I am still nervous about my FSH b/w tomorrow. I think this is my worst fear, my eggs being poor quality b/c I waited too long. I only have 1/2 the normal eggs to begin with, because of only having one ovary. I am mad at my ovary for giving up on me, produce more hormones dammit! I pray my FSH test comes back fine and we just have to deal with getting my progestrone and estrogen back to normal after I O. Please let that be the only problem.

I was almost in tears today... but since I was in public I could not cry. I go to work everyday and see cleints who are either pregnant or parenting and are teenagers and I never get upset, maybe after 8 years I am immune Yesturday (the day AF started) I held two babies who were only both a little bit over a month old, I never got sad, just alittle "woe is me".

Now today I went to the salon b/c I needed a hair cut, my hair was growing out in weird way and I could no longer wait for July 14th at my normal appointment. Thank goodness my stylist could get my in. So DD and I went to get our hair cut (her just a bang trim) and we were waiting in our seats having a good old time when a employee came in with her two little girls ( one was born after DD and the other just 3 weeks old) of course she sat the car seat with the baby in it next to my seat to talk to one of the stylists. DD of course pointed at the baby and got all excited... Here is how the convo went...

DD: Cute baby MAMA
Me: yes she is
DD: I like the baby
Me: do you
DD: yes, can we have the baby
Me: no she belongs to her Mommy and she would miss her mommy
DD: Can you get me a baby?
Me Maybe someday
DD: I want Mommy to have a baby too.
Me: me too (tears were forming)
DD: I like that baby
Hairdresser: ladies it is your turn
Me: (saved)

Now I know my 2 1/2 year old does not understand about where babies come from and in her mind she probably thinks we just go buy one, but the fact she loves babies and wants to bring one home with us, breaks my heart. I pray she will be a big sister someday, because she would make a GREAT big sister. I just hope we are not both broken hearted in the process.