SA RESULTS

WELL I got the results back this morning, another great reason to get out of bed. They were SUPER!!! I do not remember all the facts, b/c she never gave me the sheet, she wanted the RE to make comments on it.

But I do remember they wanted over 20 mill. and he had 68.8 mill!!!!

So now we know I am the problem NOT him and now all I have to worry about is if my one lonely tube is open. Praying it is.

I have not told he yet, will tell him tonight. I know he will get a big head.

I am NOT a morning person...

why is it that follie checks at my DRs office are always at 7:30 in the morning? Don't they know I am NOT a morning person. But getting up to go get my b/w and u/s is easier when I am a planner and need to know what is going on with my body. But still I drag myself out of bed as it is, when I stick DD in the car with her pajamas on with her yelling at me, NO MOMMY I WANT TO SLEEP (I guess I rubbed off on her with the morning stuff). I am willing to get out of bed for a follie check b/c I need ot know what is happneing. But for some reason this monring it was harder then normal.

Well, this cycle we only have 1 follie (in the last two cycle we have had 2 follies) it was a big one, so maybe I will O 1 day earlier then normal, so at least GOD was listening a little about me wanting to O earlier then normal. I trigger tonight and then the sex fest will begin. I will be honest I was a little disappointed in only having one follie b/c that means less targets but the nurse said before I left, maybe that follie is my lucky one.

follie check tomorrow

I have my follie check tomorrow, hoping for at least 2 follies at a good size, I tried to ask GOD this morning if he could let me O early this cycle that would be good, I usually O on CD 16 I would LOVE to O on CD14 at least once in my life.

I am also reading Conquering Infertility and hoping to take away some peace with it. I also have been listening to my fertility affirmations on my MP3 player. Hoping that will calm me down.

I should start excercising again, I have stopped this summer, so doing it very sparingly. I am off schedule in the summer, my job is super slow and I do not have classes, there is not rhyme or reason to my day, maybe what I need to get back to a good frame of mind is for my schedule to be back on. The busier I am the more I follow a schedule and it works out good. No schedule my life seems to fall apart and I saty home and THINK too much.

One good thing happened this summer, I am pretty much caught up on listing all my inventory on ebay, I have 75 more items to list and then I am pretty much caught up. I want to stay on top of whatever I buy and get it listed right away. I need the money for IF treatment, we are saving and saving, anything I make is for treatment and if we end up not needing to do next cycle I will have little pot of money to pay down bills, which is what I planned on doing in the first place, oh well a baby is more important.

heavy heart

Today I woke up with a heavy heart... I am scared. I am afraid that I will be heartbroken for the rest of my life. DD wanted to play dolls this morning, I played a little but then she called the dolls sisters and that shot right through me. I know she would make a great big sister and one of the things I am looking forward to is seeing her with her own sibiling and how much love she will shower over him or her. That all breaks my heart... I know you guys are probably tired of my whining, but I do not know how to feel any other way lately. I was hopful yesturday and today no so much, remember I hate rollercoasters.

My first follie check is on Wednesday, my ovary is achy which makes me think it is growing those follies.

Plus our SA comes back this week. Hoping for good numbers, actually I feel sick when I think about it.

I also get full of anxiety over paying out of pocket for treatment, there is so much more this money can be spent on, but that has been put on hold until we are blessed with a baby. I wish ebay woud pick up more b/c that is where our IF treatment money is coming from, my business, since our paychecks go towards hosueholds bills and we stick to a budget. DD starts school in Sept (2 days a week) and I planned on using ebay money to pay for that too... really hoping I am pregnant by then.

So much to think about and worry about, I hate how IF controls my life.

I have my moments...

of HOPEFULNESS! Today was one of them, I feel that someday I will be pregnant and it will happen, but my impatientness (is that a word?) with this process makes me worried that it will not happen at all...

When I am out of my house doing things and busy, I do not think that much about it, it may creep in when I am driving or seeing those pregnant bellies and newborn babies but for the most part when I am out and about I am hopeful.

It all changes when I am home. When I am home I am in a constant state of anxiety. Start to feel depressed this may never happen for us again and worry over everthing. When this happens I start GOOGLEING and reading message boards which sucks me right in and adds to my depression. Those boards are great resources for support (I totally feel that way) but sometimes when I read about so many people struggling with #1 or even #2 I get depressed and my own HOPE goes right out the door. I think I may need to stay away from message boards for a while. I will check in but not spend hours reading posts and I also need to stay away from GOGGLE, that is the death of me.

I pray everyday, GOD will bring us another bundle of JOY, hoping it is sooner rather then later.

Today was actually good...

We had one busy day, this AM I felt alittle depressed so off we went yard saling, but did not find much.

Then we had a 1st birthday party for my BFF's son, who by the way is the cutest. She had a miscarriage for her first baby and she was due two days apart from her SIL, her SIL went on to have a baby girl while my BFF lost her baby and almost her tube, but she didn't, it was a hard 12 months for her before she got pregnant again. I was so happy for her. Now her son is 1 and her SIL is expecting #2. I thought all day I was dreading going to the party b/c I would have to look at this big belly (she is due soon) and be envious. I can not say jealous, b/c I do not want to be her, I am just wishing I was having #2 and got pregnant as soon as I said "let's get pregnant!", it was actually not bad, I was not as upset as I thought I would be. Guess I was just enjoying the day with BFF and her son. She just built a house and it is amazing, that I was jealous of.

Then after that we had another picnic, no pregnant bellies there. But I keep thinking, maybe nexy year at the time we will have a baby with us. Hoping and praying.

Now we are home I am soooo tired and ready to call it a day. Hoping the next few days my spirits are just as high... maybe I turned a corner.

BTW I was alittle freaked this AM, I am on CD9 and my cervix was high and open, guess I should start OPKS b/c my 1st u/s is not till Wednesday. I have not Oed early my entire life!

worried...

I had a overwhelming fear today while driving that my tube is blocked, not sure what brought it on or maybe I do, I was at a clients house and saw her newborn baby and they also informed me her sister is pregnant, my heart dropped. Why is it so easy for everyone else be me. I got in my car and all of a sudden, I started to have a sort of panick set in, what if my tube is blocked? Maybe that is why we are not able to have another baby. Since I only have one functioning tube this whole idea just scares the crap out of me, since if it is blocked our only option is IVF. I cried the whole way to get my daughter, when I got there my Mom knew something was wrong, I told her. And she said you got pregnant only 3 years ago, it has to be open. Then why is this happening? My RE appt is not until Aug 21st, that is when he will schedule it, I am not sure I can wait until then. I am already full of anxiety over it. I am not so much worried about the SA but the idea that my tube is blocked sends me into a panick.