My DAY...

MY day started off with a date with the vajayjay cam. Since I only have one ovary there was only one place to look for follies, it took me a few times for this to sink for the tech - she kept looking for my left ovary even after I told her. I have two follies, one 12mm and one 16 mm, being that it CD 12 they felt it they should be larger. So they think I will not O on time, but at my normal range, at CD 16, I usually O on CD 18 without meds. So at this point I felt that Clomid did not do the job of making me O on time. Anyways, I have to go back for another u/s tomorrow, to see if they grew at all. After this happened all my HOPE went out the window. I could feel the tears welling up as I thought about it. Also I am triggering on Saturday. Which scares the crap out fo me. My sister has to give it to me, b/c DH would never be able to handle it and my Mom is going away. So she is my only option, so now she knows about our IF. If she chickens out I will have to call my friend who is a nurse and drive 30 mintues to have her give it to me. Praying my follies grow a little more so they do not release on the small side. Maybe that is my problem.

I also had acupuncture today and she and I got talking about my frustrations with TTC and she told me to put it our to the universe that we will be pregnant this cycle. Boy am I praying for that!

again no motivation...

I again have no motivation today, what is wrong with me?? Need some energy!

Waiting to O

I hate waiting to O so much more then the 2 week wait. When O approaches I get all full of anxiety and worry about everything, will we have good timing, did I miss my surge of the OPK, did we do it too much, did we do it too little, will the sperm die before they even look at my egg, will we have time to BD, will DD sleep so we can BD??? These things consume me for about 1 week while waiting to O. At least this cycle I will get to see my eggies tomorrow and see where we stand, but I still worry. Then once O is confirmed I go back to feeling better less anxiety. I much rather be in the 2WW dreaming of that BFP then waiting to O and hoping we do it right??

re occuring dream...

For months now I have been having this re occuring dream. It goes something like this...

I am walking or biking (I do not bike IRL) and am going down this walkway where there are shops on either side of me, they are very close together like a alley with pretty window setting and flowers everywhere, I am usually carrying heavy bags (assuming they are my big purchases)on either with me, I love shopping. As I walk (or bike in some cases) I go down the alley way where all the shops are located and I feel like I am in a hurry and also having a hard time breathing... but I keep walking. I get to the middle of the alley way and run smack into a huge glass window that separates the end of the alley way, I can no longer keep walking down the alley. Then I turn around, but I have to back track and go down another street to get where I am going, this street is usually gray and not so nice looking. This is always how the dream ends, but last night when I had this dream I stood at the glass wondow for a while and kept looking down the alley way as if I was looking for something, then all of a sudden I realized there it is! but I am not certain what it was that I had found in my dream I knew. So then I turned around to go down another street to get where I am going and it ended as normal. During these dreams I feel, tired, frustrated and have a heavy sense of feeling.

I never really thought about this dream in depth until this morning in the shower, maybe it is my IF journey...

Tried, Frustrated, looking towards the end, having to take other paths to get there. Who knows! Just wnated to share.

Found this on Fertility Friend

Thank you Lord for all the blessings in my life, help me remember them as I face the challenges of Inferility. I pray I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strenghten my Mind, Body and Spirit to endure the trails of Inferility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us peace. Amen.

Exhausted...

I am sooo tired and feel like doing nothing but I have soooo much to do.

I do not remember Clomid hitting me this hard last cycle. I am tired, My Boobs hurt (they never hurt - not even when I was pregnant), I have a headache and I am so bloated I wore maternity pants today. I know, I know but in my defense they look like normal pants just have the elastic back waist. So comfy! I do not want to jinx myself, for that is the first thing I thought of this morning when I pulled them out, am I jinxing myself?

Also my allergeries are in full force and I refused to take anything b/c it might dry up my CM, and since I have hardly any to begun with I do not want to take the chance.

It is hard to be positive (june is positive thought month) when you feel like crap.

I have to go list on ebay (need the money for acupuncture this week), feel free to purchase from me www.littleladybugscloset.com. I have a ton of maternity still for sale ladies.

Tonight is my last Clomid pill, then I will be Oing hopefully by the weekend. Hooray! (trying to be positive)

June 1st...

This is the month that we get pregnant, I am going to try really hard not to stress about it and just do our best to have great timing, have fun and not worry about it anymore. This is how I feel today, hoping this carries on to the rest of the month.

As my Mom says " positivity breeds positivity"