COUNT IS ON!

I read 27 Infertility Blogs daily (on my list) and out of those 27, 10 are pregnant (who were not when I started reading them) So that is 17 more to go. Come on ladies get that BFP. I want to some day be reading only pregnancy blogs, not IF blogs from my favorite ladies. Also I want to turn my BLOG into a pregnancy blog too.

Not writing off just yet...

I spoke to the nurse today, my b/w from yesturday said I was about to O but not there yet. So I must have Oed last night, which would have been good, we got three nights in a row in for sex. DH came home today and asked if he was on duty tonight. At least he is interested in this baby making even if he does not want to spend the money.

I also asked the RE nurse (this nurse I feel more comfortable with - not sure why, she just always seemed geniune) her professional opinion on how I responded this cycle, she admitted she was disappointed, b/c of my E2 level at trigger time, she would have liked to see my level be higher so then my lining wouold have been better. She told me not to write it off just yet, b/c we are adding the progestrone supplements this cycle and we will see where we stand on Monday with my b/w. But she did add, we will re-evaluate for next cycle. Which ahd me think maybe we should write off this cycle as already failed. I want to have HOPE so badly. Please let this happen for us, I need this to happen for us.

On another note, I mad ethe step to call a counselor b/c I have not been handling the last three weeks very well. I left a message to see if they deal with IF issues, if not I will call another. Not sure where I will fit this into my schedule or even if I will follow through and actually go, but at least I called.

Starting to unravel...

I have been praying for months for GOD to show me the way, to give me strength, to give me a sign of what path I am to choose. I feel with all this praying, hoping, praying and hoping, I feel exactly the same as I did before. I do not feel peace or stronger or anything, I just feel defeated and abandoned.

Everyone says, pray harder, GOD will come through. WHEN????? Because for months I have praying everynight, every morning and sometimes several times a day. I am losing faith. Losing faith in GOD, losing faith in myself and losing faith in the DRs.

I realize you must be laughing at me, b/c according to everyone in my life the cycle is not over until AF arrives. But I feel like this has been my worst cycle by far on medication that was suppost to give me better results. I also believe I Oed yesturday (rather then today - like the DR expected) I did call them b/c this happened last cycle but now it happened again. Why am I Oing 24 hours after my trigger shot? This is only according to my temps, which I realize comes with human error, but I take my temp everyday at the same time with the same amount of sleep, where is the error? They had me come in for b/w, which may have been pointless, b/c if I did O today I would have this morning and regardless the test is going to say I Oed, unless they know something I am not aware of.

So now I wait, wait for the b/w to get back (which they said might not be until tomorrow) 2ww is here and we are doing the pineapple this cycle (I rebelled last cycle) and going to acupuncture (for my last treatment) during implantation time. I am moving along even though this whole cycle was pointless and I wasted a whole shit load of money. I just want to SCREAM.

Can it get any better???

I know I have been less then positive about this cycle, to say the least. Maybe it is because of all the crap I am dealing with in my life, I am not sure. I thought injectables would be our ticket to success. Now I am not feeling that way at all. Besides only one follie and low estrogen, I find out today that my DR does want me to start the progestrone supplements on Friday (which I thought I was anyways) because my lining was only a 7. My lining was only a 7 on my clomid cycles too. So now I am thinking I wasted my money on this cycle, I could have just done Clomid and saved myself the money and got the same results. It sucks.

I also am dreading the school year starting, I Offically start seeing my cleints next week. I am a counselor for pregnant / parenting teens. I love my job but lately it has been harder and harder to go to. I am thinking of quitting, which will put all my plans (masters degree and all) pointless. I am not sure what I am qualified for besides working with children, that is where all my experience is. I am stuck. If I quit and end up pregnant I might regret it, but if I stay is it emotionally OK for me. So far it is fine, but I can forsee this going any farther I may have to give up something, like my job.

Craptastic Appt...

Well alittle bit.

I was tested for ureaplasma, b/c I had it in 2004, so they did a culture just in case. Cyst is tiny as tiny can be and I only had 1 mature follie and one that is sort of mature. I was to say the least disappointed. Where did the other one go? Out the window just like my hopes and dreams.

The nurse told me they are glad with the progress of the one lonely follie, it measured 19mm. I on the other hand as not pleased, I guess I my mind more then one gives me a higher chance of one sticking. I cried in the car afterwards... We are trigging tonight, CD11 so I will O on CD13 (earliest ever) and will go back Monday for b/w to see if I need the HCG, but I will ask to take it regardless (I need all the push I can get) and start my progestrone supplements on Friday, twice a day. Fingers crossed... The nurse did tell me that my estrogen is only at 176, it has to be between 175-200 that also did not make me feel any better, I wish it was 200, that would make me feel better.

Now I know why I was not bloated at all this cycle, I kept thinking to myself this weekend, "if I have three follies shouldn't I be more bloated" That solved that, only one decided to mature. So disppointed.
So we will see how this goes. I am hoping that after O I will feel better about the situation. But right now I just want to go to bed and cry myself to sleep.

I can not sleep...

I went to bed 2 hours ago and have been up ten times. I just can not settle my brain. All I can think about if what if this cycle does not work. Am I going to have enough energy to do this over again? And Again and Again. I have a follie check tomorrow and keep telling myself that things will work out, soon it will be my turn. I am not completely sure if I believe that, but I will keep saying it.

We had dinner at the ILs tonight. Since they know nothing about our IF, I had to leave the table in the middle of dinner to go give myself a shot in the bathroom. It took forever b/c I ran out of meds and had to switch vials. It sucked to stick myself twice which by the way is getting harder to do. My stomach is not bruised but very sore. My MIL talked me into going to the baby shower for Dh's Cousin, I do not want to go, but we have a family thing on my side that day, so maybe I will go just to avoid my sister. Still do not know what I will say when I see her. I feel so badly I am angry about this, but I am.

I am hoping after I finally O I will start to have a little HOPE, all this stress can not be good for my body. I know this, but I do not know how to control it, I AM STRESSED, SAD and just plain DEPRESSED.

I have to keep telling myself this worked once it will work again, Right?

So much has been taken from us.

As IFers our Journey is different from most people. I feel during this process a lot has been taken away from me.

1. I can not have spontenous sex with my DH, it is all planned.
2. Everyone knows my cycle, there will never be a surprise "I am pregnant announcement"
3. I plan my life around DR appts
4. I plan my budget around payng for medications
5. I can not be happy for others who annouce their pregnancy (usually this is for non IFers)
6. I am starting to HATE my job, a job in which I thought I would retire at.
7. I look at my daughter with pity, that she will never be able to have a sibling relationship. (even if she does end up hating her sibling).
8. I have cancelled things in my life just to get by whether it be for emotional reasons or just because I have to be at the DR at a certain time.
9. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore, I used to have everything laid out.
10. Watching others struggle and lose babies makes me even more scared to continue with this journey.

Sorry to be so whinny lately, I hate myself for being such a complainer.