Could it be?

I started having achiness in my Ovary area (remember I only have one ovary) and today is CD11, I started to worry that I might O early. I usually O on CD 16 with medication but this feeling got me worried. My Follie check is not till Monday. We are holding off from having sex until we trigger, then we will do our three days in a row thing. I think we start having sex too early then maybe his supply has run out of fresh guys by the time O rolls around. I know I think too much into it. I am praying this is our month. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. I did end up crying late last night before bad. I think holding it in all day did not help. It also did not help that my DH's family kept commenting it was time for another one, Dh's side of the family knows nothing about our TTC efforts or our IF, just my side of the familyknows. I digress... I ended up taking a OPK just to check to see if maybe I am surging, but I am not. Which means I am the crazy lady that reads all the signs and gets worried I missed my O.

few moments..

Today went well, lots of food and people, having a nice time, even though it rained a little, people still sat under the patio and umbrellas, I was a little nervous how the rain thing was going to work out b/c our house is not that big.

I almost cried twice today, but held back. Once when my family was asking my aunt what she thinks she is having ( I had to walk away) and once when my friend brought over her baby (who I love to death), I held him and later went into my pantry and tried to hold it together, my Mom followed me, and keep saying it will be fine, hold it together. I guess she could tell I was ready to lose it.

All in all it was good day... Now I just have to get through tomorrow.

Oh, and I am having NO Ovary aches, that makes me worried b/c those follies are suppost to be growing. Come on guys!

HAPPY 4th!

Having a bad night...

I am crying and crying. I just want that BFP soon, I not sure how much longer I can do this. Damn CLOMID.

Will I get through it???

I have been cleaning like a manic, I have over 35 people coming tomorrow for our 4th of July picnic. I am excited to entertain because we do not do it often. Plus there will be people here that have never been here since we moved in. I hope everything goes smoothly. I still have to finish cleaning and go food shopping, and make the food all tonight!!! DH has a lot yard stuff to get ready too. Talk about a last minute couple.

I also do not know how I will handle tomorrow, one of my family members that is coming is pregnant. I have not seen her in over a month and just seeing her belly grow is going to make me sad. I want that so badly, and while I am happy for them, they deserve another baby (just like everyone else) I wish it was me that got pregnant easily and not have to go through all the appointments and hormones etc. Why can I not get pregnant.

I know I will get over it once she arrives, but that does not mean that I will be upset for me. I am upset for me.

Then on Saturday I have another picnic at my SILs and there probably will be a girl there who is pregnant with her second, I will be surrounded by them! I just have to get through this weekend and Monday will be my first follie check, hoping for at least 2 good follies this cycle. I only had one great follie last cycle. I hate wishing days away but that is how I live right now. Hoping for the next check up with the DR, b/w or u/s.

This morning I was cleaning up toys downstairs in our REC Room and saw some peek a boo blocks that Avery loves still, and thought someday I will have to put these away and no other baby of mine will ever play with them. I know I have to stop thinking that way, I WILL have a baby one day we hope, but that is how my mind works. It seems so impossible... I need to be more positive.

OHHHH MASSAGE...

I am on the road to stress free living (trying anyways). I got my Mother's Day massage today and I love my massage therapist, I have been to her in the past and she does not miss a spot. I felt really good. Now tonight I will get my stiff neck as usual but that is OK, she told me she felt no hard spots and I seemed relaxed. If she only knew. I Hope to carry this stress free life through the cycle. I think alot of my problem lies with so much anxiety I feel during TTC. I have to be aware if when I am obsessing and stressing out.

I PRAY this is our month, but being stress free is hard work.

Nothing to post...

I try to write everyday but I have nothing to write today. But I did go to the GYM, maybe walking uphill on the treadmill will help with my stress level. Maybe stress is holding my hormones back. Maybe not.