Starting over...

I just realized today that I am starting a fresh cycle, I am already on CD7 but the overwhelming sense of craziness just creeped back in.

I have been temping since CD1, which is very hard to me to give up, I need to know when I O. However all the planning I do during the cycle with BDing and using OPKs is just overwhelming for me to think I have to do this AGAIN????

I one point I thought maybe I will just give up. I feel at this point it is a loss cause b/c we have no IF insurance and will be paying out of pocket for everything, do have have the courage to put all my money into the faith this will happen for us, I am not sure.

I tried so hard not to cry today, especially when my Mom told me my Daughter told her that she missed me. Which made me realize maybe I should be at home instead of working. Maybe I am missing too much.

SEMESTER IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This semester has been nothing but crazy busy, I had like 5 projects, mostly in groups with others. It was hard with scheduling and such.

Tonight was the last class, no final exam. Thank goodness, I thought I was about to go insane and threatened to quit several times.

Now to school until end of August! FREEDOM!

PS: I plan to start my Fall 08 Semester with a little baby in my belly ;)

This is how you deal...

I was at work today and saw a picture of myself from Sept. I looked huge. How did this happen??? I was a skinny size 8 when I got pregnant with my daughter and now three years later I am a FAT size 14, yes I just outted myself. I go to the GYM every other day and try to watch what I eat, this is hard when you have a family to feed. I thought I would concentrate on losing weight which might help in the TTC area. I am also still torn on going back to acupuncture. I thought I try one more cycle, but which the raising cost of EVERYTHING in this country I feel guilty keeping the appointments for this cycle. I mean that money could go towards something more important.

So after all this crazy thoughts today I went to McDonalds and got a $1.00 sundae, does that heal my depression at this moment, this is hard to believe but NOPE.

NO spring cleaning got done...

I started and all DD wanted to do was play so I played instead, Now my house is 1/2 messy and I am still in no mood to do anything.

I had a break down this AM again, it is hard.

SPRING CLEANING

I think I need to start spring cleaning my house and get rid of alot of stuff. I can either sell it on ebay or do a yard sale.

I think concentrating on getting my house back in order will do a lot for my Mood lately.

Wish me luck I have a lot to go through and get rid of.

I need to shake this feeling...

I am overwhelmingly sad today. I put way to much hope into this last cycle, even though I tried really hard not to. Going for the beta this morning knowing I was NOT pregnant was so frustrating, I even double checked to make sure this is the test they wanted because I am on CD2 of AF. Yep they wanted a beta and progestrone. I will be so mad if my P was low and they never supplemented me.

I picked up DD at my Mom's and just wanted to break down and cry, but I told myself I would not bring my Mom down with me. Even though as soon as I got home the flood gates opened. DD played quietly while I sat in the bedroom and lost it.

Why am I taking this so hard. I knew the chances of it workng the first cycle was rare.

This whole issue with us not being to afford IUIs and IVF is also getting to me. At least if we had coverage or made enough money I would have so hope, but right now I have none.

I feel so badly but everytime I look at DD it makes me sad that I will never have another little baby (this is how I feel at the moment) and me being this sad is not good for her.

I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous break down. What the hell do I do?

Also I am still torn about the acupuncture, money is the issue but I know I should keep going, especially since this cycle is unmedicated. I am lost.

I feel bad

I told my Mom I did not want to talk about TTCing with her anymore. I feel like I am dragging her along on my rollercoaster ride and hearing things like just relax and it will happen when it is meant to be, it just hard to hear and not very comforting. I have not hear from her since I emailed her about it, yes I emailed because I felt if I called her I would just cry like I did yesturday. She will probably be mad at me for it and want to still talk to me about it and it will be hard not to, but I have to it makes me more emotional to talk to her about it.

UPDATE: She is mad & suggested a therapist! Good Grief.