Mylie Cyrus... made me cry and provoked deep thoughts.

I was sobbing the the car, could not gather myself. Hormonal much???

It was that song she sings about about climbing the mountain and how is not about what is on the other side, it is about the journey. OMG I cried like a baby, b/c this is exactly what IF feels like for me. You are climbing this mountain you think you will never get over to the other side, and know there is something great to look on the other side, but you have to experience the journey to get there.

IF was a huge journey to me... Every step we made during treatment, every step we made during my pregnancy will be leading us to our little girl.. A year ago, we started official treatment, we were suppost to start in Feb (cyst held us back) , I took my first clomid (unmonitored) in March, and officially saw the RE in May. WOW one year ago we started this crazy roller coaster and yes the roller coaster started for me much earlier then that first pill in March, but it kicked in high gear in May. I have been blogging for over a year, and it has helped me so much.

I know once I have my baby our lives will change forever, that is what a baby does to you and the fact we worked so hard for our two children, I think the birth of her will hit me so hard.

I have some things in the works for after she is born... One has to do with my blogs, this blog will remain as MY blog and the girls will get their own. I realized I still need my place to vent, b/c mommy hood is hard but I also still want to support my friends out there that are still struggling, you know who you are and I pray for you guys everyday.

Someone asked me the other day that once our baby arrives will this experience finally be at full circle... the answer is no, I do not think coming full circle from IF will ever happen for me, I still do have my bitter moments about pregnant women and I am one. Also bitter moments for all those who are still fighting the fight.


So that brought me to another thing I have in the works, I plan on speaking to my RE once the baby is here safe and sound. I got so much support from my Internet friends and it helped ALOT, but I also craved that one on one interaction with people IRL. I want to start a secondary infertility support group, completely voluntarily. Because I want to give back. I never went ot a support group for primary IF b/c I thought they would not accept me... But I wanted to so badly.

Am I done having children, as of now my mind says yes my heart says no... But going through treatment was the hardest thing I ever done in my life. I do not think unless my DH says yes lets do it1w3frc5 again, I will not enter treatment again, I will not put my girls through that, b/c I was miserable for those 6 months + and I do not feel Avery had her Mommy fully there for her. I want to enjoy my children, I feel completely blessed to have them.

So once she arrives I want to thank my RE and see if I can start a group through their practice.. Can you guys pray that this becomes a reality for me... I really want this to happen. I am just afraid b/c I am not licensed yet to be a therapist but I do counseling all day long they will say no. This is something I thought long and hard about doing and would love for it to actually happen.

Sorry this post is so long, I have been thinking alot, not that I have time to think but things for us are coming up so fast... and of course sometimes you need to get it out.

1 cm!!!

Had my Ob appt, I am 1 cm dilated. Which makes me excited and so nervous, b/c I still have alot to do. So I asked, how long can I be 1 cm before going into labor? She said from today until you EDD. Everything else was good, thank goodness. I also gained nothing in the last two weeks, I do not know if I should be happy or scared about that... Dr is not worried.

It is god awful hot here, I am not sure HOW to get motivated when I am soooo hot. Dh refuses to put on the A/C since it will go down to 75 on Wednesday... Guess I am living with this.

Tis the night before...

My next OB appt. I always for some reason get nervous before the appointments, with Avery I used to be so excited to go... Now I am just nervous something will be wrong or I will be put on bedrest.

This weekend I had some weird pain, maybe b/c I am still trying to get things organized and every time I think I am done there is more added to the list, I do not think I will ever be ready for this baby... DH put the last dresser together today, for the baby. It was missing a part... so now I wait for the part to finish the room, plus I realized how much wash I have to do, mountains.

So pray that no bedrest, no arrival of the baby yet and I get motivated to get things DONE, b.c I do want some rest time before the baby arrives.

Not sure why I get this way before a OB appt, maybe b.c all these aches and pains just make me nervous, I did not have this with DD. Plus the heat (92 today) is making me swell... hate that.

I took a tumble...

This was yesterday...

I was taking the dog bed downstairs to our basement area to lock her up in the hallway between the bathroom and my office, the reason I was putting her down there was b/c the cleaning lady (who is a god sent)comes once a month to clean (ie: scrub). The dog hates strangers in our house while we are not home, well she hates strangers in our house period.

So as I was walking down, her blanket fell out of her bed and I slipped on it, and did a complete tumble (forward roll) on the steps and landed (thank goodness) on my butt.

I panicked at first, I finally got up so shaken that my pulse and blood pressure was probably through the roof and the baby was going wild... she never moved so much ever.

I checked her heart rate which was fine, I was not leaking or bleeding or anything... Called my mom who told me to calm down and if I start leaking anything or feel contractions to call the DR. If I had landed on my belly I would have called right away... So the rest of the day my tail bone hurt along with my normal pubic bone pain. I looked very silly walking.

By lunch, I was at work and I went to the bathroom and lost it in a full blow tears, I think it hit me that the fall could have been much worst and I could have done some real damage. I kept thinking I worked so hard for her I want her to be healthy... I never did call the DR. I am just stiff and woke up this morning in alot of pain. in my butt!

I keep checking her HB and have been resting as much as possible ... except for the shopping spree Avery and I went on today at OLD NAVY. Was not in the plan, bought too much.

Now as I am sitting here, I keep thinking I am leaking fluid, know I am not b/c it is my normal discharge (Sorry TMI) but now so much has been running through my head. Maybe I should have called the DR and let them know. But last time I fell they checked her heart beat and set me on my way.

I am having a little Mommy guilt over this. As you can see.

I do have an appointment on monday and I will tell them then.

On the up side, I bought a baby sling (custom) on esty for $11.50, so if I hate it I can just chalk it up but I also bought a baby wrap for $30.00 so guess we will see which one I like the best.

Consignment sale... Insurance companies etc.

I just dropped of all my spring / summer children's items at a local Just between friends consignment sale. I figured much of this stuff has been sitting in my eBay store forever, maybe I can make some quick money on it, I took in 403 pieces! Not all clothes but I would say at least 350 were clothing.

I am hoping for almost all to sell. I like to make enough money to get the rest of what I need for the baby and pay off one of my credit cards so I finally can get my blackberry with Internet access (this would be dangerous for me)

Originally I was suppost to get some money back from my insurance for our BFP cycle, I have been fighting them on this for months, well before Christmas, they did refund me 140 dollars, and did not refund for any of my injectable meds. I was pissed! The HR lady at work was mad too. We might fight further but I have to research alittle more to make sure my injectables were definitely covered. I was going to use that money to pay off the credit card and get my blackberry, DH says NO blackberry until I pay off that credit card.

So I have been walking around for months, waiting for my money to come b/c my cell phone is falling apart, does not stay charged and does not shut off from a call when I shut the phone, I have to go in and manually shut it off, it is horrible. I have been waiting b/c the blackberry would be FREE for me so why should I go get another cell phone just to get my blackberry in a few months and have to actually pay for it.

So I have been patient very very patient, hoping for big sales so I can finally get something for me!

DISCLAIMER: I love love love shopping for my girls,so I usually get put on the back burner most the time.

SOOOO Glad I was not in Labor this morning.

Because my family had a surprise shower for me this afternoon! Totally unexpected sprinkle party, which was so nice b/c after going thorugh IF to get this little one I appericated that fact that her impending arrival was celebrated.

If my water HAD broken this morning I would have had a baby today rather then a baby shower!

The party really helped boost my mood.

The funny thing is Dh forgot all about it so it never dawned on him this morning when I thought my water broke and my MOm said she did not panic when I said I thought my water broken, she said they would have had the party anyways.

Spent the AM in L & D

I woke up this morning and went to get out of bed when I felt a gush, warm gush. I did not panic I asked DH to look at it (not sure what i thought he would do) but it was clear and not mucusy.

I called the DR and as soon as I heard her voice (she is my favorite OB) I started to cry, she said pack a bag b/c if it was my water they would keep me and maybe have a baby today. She assured me at 34 weeks, baby would be fine.

So we went over to the hospital, the monitored me checked my fluids and all came back negative. As soon as I heard all this Dh says my heart rate and pulse went down ALOT. I was freaking out b/c we have nothing ready at all...

Well they had no explanation, so apparently I must have peed myself... The motion of getting up most have put pressure on my bladder b/c she is very LOW and I just could not control it, but I can not remember feeling like I had to pee.

Thanks goodness everything is alright, but now DH is teasing me!